


Counting The Seconds

by JustAnAnxiousKid



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Basically everyone’s trying, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Cynthia’s also trying, Evans heart is confused, Evan’s a soft boy, Everyone Lives/No One Dies, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I just saw the Jared tags LMAO, Jared has a cute calico kitty named Oreo, Jared has gay moms, Jared really likes musicals, Larry is kind of detached, Look at those updated relationship tags oopsies, M/M, Oh yeah there’s a wet dream now, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Some angst, Suicide Attempt, That’s Right Folks, Therapy, Wow this is my first time using this site, Zoe and Alana might also be gay??, Zoe’s trying, almost forgot, and by kinda I mean really gay, bipolar depression, but he won’t always be, don’t you worry, its your basic Connor living fic, kinda gay, mentions of self harm, pansexual jared kleinman, recovering from a suicide attempt, they’ll only last a couple chapters I promise, you’ll get your tree bros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-06-05 05:47:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 40,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15163994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnAnxiousKid/pseuds/JustAnAnxiousKid
Summary: What if that day in the computer lab, Connor noticed Evan freaking out? Would it change everything, or nothing at all?Aka I didn’t think about writing a summary in the past week that I’ve been writing this oops.





	1. Chapter 1

For the second time that day, Evan Hansen found himself on the ground cradling his broken arm. He watched as the figure of Connor Murphy slowly blurred, his eyesight blackening around the edges as his breath hitched. He looked down to his feet as the room began to spin, his grip tightening as he tried to ground himself back to reality. In for seven, hold for four, out for eight. Repeat. In, hold-

He felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him roughly to try and grab his attention. His breathing quickened, tears forming in the corners of his eyes as his mind raced in circles. In, hold, out, repeat. In, hold, out. In, out- _wrong!_

“Holy shit. Are you like- freaking out? Okay, look, I’m sorry, I just... _fuck_ , let go of your arm and stop biting your lip. Jesus Christ! Are you bleeding? Are you even listening?! Hansen!” He shut his eyes tight, letting out a quiet whine at the unwelcome increase in volume.

The grip on his arm loosened slightly, his choked sobs racking through his body as he tried to remember what to do during an attack. Then, it settled on him. The figure above him was Connor Murphy. His breath hitched, his eyes flying wide open as he looked at the brunette. It felt as if an elephant had sat on top of him, cutting off all access for air into his lungs.

“Evan, right?” He stared quietly, trying not to let any noises escape his lips.

“Alright, fine! _Hansen,_ you’re going to breathe with me now, okay?” He coughed, trying to slowly sync his breathing to the others. He gripped his arm, noting Connor flinching at the increased pressure and stumbling to apologize.

“It’s _okay,_ ” Connor answered, mumbling out a quiet, “you push a kid twice...” He scrunched his nose at his own words, shaking his head and squeezing Evan’s good hand back gently.

They both kept at steadying the smaller boys breathing for a couple more minutes before finally finishing. Connor sat next to Evan, who was now pulling his knees up to his chest, and let out a deep sigh as he handed him a tissue.

The spinning slowed shortly after, allowing Evan to finally reach into his bag and pull out his emergency Zoloft with his water bottle. He sipped the water, downing the pill and trying to ignore the eyes burning holes into the side of his head as he put the items back away after finishing.

“You could’ve told me you do... that,” Connor mumbled.

“Y- You see, you didn’t actually really g- give me the chance? Be- Because like- you were kinda leaving? S- So I couldn’t actually tell you... sorry?”

Connor shrugged, picking at his chipping nail polish as a tense silence settled between the two boys. Evan began dabbing at the almost dry blood on his lip, staring at the stained material. They both sat, staying in their own worlds until the bell finally rang, signaling the end of lunch. Evan jumped in his spot, quickly turning to look at Connor as he stood and stretched. The two stared awkwardly, not knowing what to do, until Connor held out his hand.  
  
“You can’t sit in here all day. Trust me, if we were allowed to, I would never leave.”

Evan stared at the outstretched hand, quietly debating his decision before slowly reaching out. With a yank and a small grunt, both boys were up and making their way to their last periods. They walked through the hallways together, letting the noise of the other students make up for their lack of speaking. It wasn’t until they both went to turn into the same room that they realized they had the same last period. They looked at one another, Evan’s face paling as he tried to figure out the look on Connors face.

He flinched when the taller of the two let out a dry laugh, the corners of his mouth turning up into a smirk. He let out a small, shy laugh of his own, entering the room and scanning around for where to sit. Normally, Evan would be distraught over picking a seat, but when a gentle hand took a hold of his wrist and dragged him to the back where there was a small cluster of desks grouped together, he supposed he didn’t have to worry about making the decision himself. After placing his bag down on the floor, he smiled at Connor gratefully.

Seconds before the bell rings, a firm hand slaps him on the shoulder, causing a small squeak to escape out of Evan’s lips as he turns to see who it is.

“So we have the anxiety ridden acorn and depressed emo kid hanging out together now? Any room for the insanely cool Jared Kleinman to join in on this funky group?”

“W- Well, counting that there’s uh... no other open seats? Y- You don’t really have a choice? And! I’m— I’m not an acorn? Stop calling m- me that?” Evan stuttered out, catching a glimpse of Connor rolling his eyes in the corner of his vision.

“Hey, Evan. Move over to the seat next to me? I don’t want to catch whatever made Kleinman such a dumbass.”

“Takes one to know one, Murphy.”

Despite Jared’s careless grin, Evan still felt his heart rate increasing as he moved from across to next to Connor. It’s not that he exactly wanted to be scared of Connor, in fact, he wasn’t entirely. But, as they say, anxiety’s a bitch, right? So, Evan sat and bounced his leg, staring ahead at the whiteboard as the teacher began the beginning of the year lecture, which he really wasn’t listening to. As it turns out, Connor wasn’t really either, because he felt a small nudge and turned to see Connor glaring at his legs as if to say, _‘quit being annoying for one goddamn second and stop with the leg, would you?’_

And so he did. Up until the teacher wanted them to do small introductions, as if they weren’t all seventeen and eighteen year olds, in their senior year of high school. Although the introduction was only stating their name and a fun fact, it was safe to say that Evan basically forgot how to breathe from the anxiety settling back in.

“Jared Kleinman. Water is wet, convince me otherwise”, which seemed to earn a couple collective groans throughout the room.

“Connor. Basically only in this class because I needed the credits to graduate,” earned a couple snickers. Then, the room was silent and Evan’s breath got caught in his throat. He looked around helplessly, catching a concerned look from both Connor and Jared. His hands trembled and began to sweat, a pounding headache starting to take over his head.

“Um... H- Hansen? Evan! Hansen Evan-? I mean, Evan Hansen! I-I’m Evan Hansen...” he trailed off, shaking his head and trying to ignore the quiet laughs from some of the students as the teacher cleared her throat and tried to continue on with the introductions. Suddenly, the loose string on the hem of his polo seemed very interesting. It wasn’t until about five minutes later that Evan looked up to find a ripped piece of paper with messy handwriting sitting on his desk.

‘Are you okay?’

He squinted, looking closely at the handwriting. Knowing his fri- _family_ friend Jared for almost eighteen years, it was safe to assume it wasn’t him who had written the note. A not so subtle cough from his left gave away the mystery note sender though, because right as he turned none other than Connor Murphy was looking at the paper almost... anxiously?

Evan smiled timidly, scribbling down a small, ‘better now’ before sliding it back over to the other boy. He pretended not to notice how Connor’s lips went from their usual straight line to a small smile of his own. So, they found themselves continuing on like that. Since only about half an hour remained of class, it wasn’t as though it really mattered that they were passing notes to each other. That didn’t stop the small annoyed glares from Jared every time Evan laughed at one of Connor’s awful jokes.

‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

‘I don’t know, why?’

‘To visit the village idiot.’

A small snort from Evan and a small kick from Jared.

‘Knock knock.’

‘Who’s there?’

‘The chicken.’

And that’s when all hell reigned loose. Evan covered his mouth, trying not to let the laughter through as Connor looked to the side with a satisfied smirk.

“Alright, I’m literally _right here._ Can you two assholes show me what’s so funny?” Jared asked, his fists clenching and unclenching on top of his desk.

Evan glanced to Connor, raising an eyebrow curiously. When Connor nodded, Evan slid the paper over to Jared and waited eagerly as his eyes scanned over the sheet.

“‘Gay dudes are basically male lesbians’? What the fuck Murphy, these are horrible!”

“Your mom sure didn’t think so.”

Jared stared at Connor blankly for a couple of seconds, opening and closing his mouth as if debating whether or not he should speak. Evans breath caught in his throat, panic beginning to settle in until Jared eventually broke out into a grin, shaking his head and pushing the paper back.

“Alright, alright. Not too bad after all.”

Letting out a breath of relief, Evan smiled gratefully at Jared who only shrugged in response. He watched the other two chat idly, only commenting and laughing when necessary. By the end of the period, both Jared and Evan had gained Connors number, and all three made a group chat to which Jared sent a picture of both Evan and Connor laughing at the small sheet of paper.

And you know what? Maybe Evan did save it and set it as Connors contact photo, why does it matter anyways? And maybe when he received a text saying, ‘guess we don’t have to pretend to be friends now’ from Connor, he only felt his face heat up a little bit.

I mean, it’s not like he liked him or anything.

Right?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the first day of senior year, Evan has a long night.

So, maybe wrong was the word Evan was looking for. Very much wrong. It’s not even like he wanted to realize that it was wrong, but it so clearly was when he found himself lying awake at night picturing the bright blue eyes. Which, might have sounded normal? Had it not been Evan Hansen imaging Connor Murphy’s beautiful blue eyes with a brown spot in the corner. Because Evan was _straight._ So straight in fact, that he just wasn’t going to think about Connor!

  
Which might have worked, had he not been _wrong._

  
Despite his best efforts to block out the thoughts of the events the day brought, Evan found himself right back at square one; looking at the piece of paper him and Connor had gone back and forth on throughout Calculus earlier. He groaned, running his hands over his face as he laid back in his bed and stared up at his glow in the dark stars on the ceiling of his bedroom. What was his brain doing? Wrong Murphy sibling! He liked _Zoe!_ So, he did what every responsible teenager did when their minds were racing at eleven-thirty at night.

  
He put on his sweatshirt and went for a walk in the park.

  
To some, a walk in the dead of night sounds shady and terrifying. Basically like asking to die. Yet Evan found them calming. Maybe it was the cool breeze or the beautiful night skies, or maybe it was the fact that at this point Evan wasn’t entirely terrified of death anymore. Whatever it was, Evan found himself staring at the Ellison State Park welcoming gate and sighed, stepping in and taking a second to breath in the scents of late summer.

  
Which, again, may have been normal, had he not heard heavy breathing in the distance, _because why the hell was he hearing heavy breathing in the distance?_

  
Evan’s eyes widened slightly, his heart skipping as he gripped his sleeves. When he heard coughing accompanying the breathing, he ignored his better judgment and started to try and walk towards the source of sound.

  
“H- Hello?” he called out, bracing himself for an attack from behind that would never come. Instead, he heard an annoyed groan, causing him to grow confused. His eyes shifted to the right, and there, at the bottom of an awfully familiar oak tree, sat an awfully familiar Connor Murphy.

  
“E- Evan?”

  
Before he could even process it, he was running over to Connor’s side, quickly kneeling down next to him as panic settled in. He was more pale than usual, his lips becoming a shade of blue as the oxygen drained from his body. He pulled out his phone, quickly dialing 911 and putting it on speaker so he could hold Connors hands.

  
_“911, what’s your-”_

  
“I- I’m at Ellison State P- Park! S- Someone I know from school- o- oh god— he’s so pale-” Evan could feel the vomit rising in his throat, but as it turns out, Connor beat him to it. He flinched, backing up just slightly to avoid being in the range of the puke.

_  
“We’re sending paramedics to your location now. Can you describe the scene, sir?”_

  
“U- Um— well,” he looked around, trying to pick up details for what could have happened. Once he found some, he felt sick. “There’s... there’s an empty bottle of prescription pills— I- I think they’re his dads? A- And... he— he has a knife- and... and his arm is bleeding so _much,_ ” he closed his eyes, squeezing them tight and trying to rid his mind of the image in front of him.

_  
“Do you have any loose fabrics on you, sir?”_

  
“M- My sweatshirt?”

_  
“That would work perfectly. I need you to take it off and apply direct pressure to the wounds on his arm. Can you do that for me?”_

  
Evan nodded, muttering out a quiet answer as he got to work. Taking off his hoodie, he quickly wrapped a sleeve around Connors arm and applied pressure to the cuts. Looking at his new friend, he felt his face heat up with frustration as tears slid down his cheeks. He shivered as the breeze picked up, squeezing Connors hand with his free one.

  
“C- Come on Connor, s- stay awake- please? Please stay awake...” Connor stared at him with distant eyes, the color that was left rapidly draining from his face. Then, there was shouting behind him, and he turned to see an ambulance there. He looked to his phone, quickly thanking the officer who had helped and hanging up after. The paramedics around him were causing too much noise, and Evan found himself curling in until a gentle hand touched his shoulder. He looked up, squinting from the blaring lights to see none other than Heidi Hansen standing above him.

  
“Evan, honey, we can talk about this later, but please come for the ride? I don’t want you walking home alone right now, sweetheart” she pleaded, a look of desperation in her eyes. He nodded a bit, standing up slowly and following her to the back. Once they got into the ambulance, he tried to avoid looking at Connor, who now had tubes down his throat and IV’s in his wrist. His mom had given him a paper, saying he needed to write down everything he knew about the patient and the situation, and he started scribbling away.

  
Patient Name: Connor Murphy.

  
Age: 17.

  
Date of Birth: Unsure.

  
Reason for Hospitalization: Overdosing on prescription pills and multiple cuts on wrists.

  
He handed the paper back to his mom, shrinking under her sympathetic eyes. She took a hold of his hand, squeezing it gently as the ride continued. He leaned his head onto her shoulder, sniffling as he tried to hold back the tears.

  
“Oh, Evan...” Heidi pulled him close, rubbing soothing circles onto his back. “I’m so sorry, sweetie. But we’ll do everything we can to make sure he makes it out of this, okay? Everything.”

  
He hid his face against her neck, squeezing her arm gently. They stayed like that, Evan crying about how he didn’t want to lose his new friend and Heidi whispering comforting words to him until they arrived to the hospital. As they pulled away, both agreed Evan would wait in the waiting room until Heidi got off her shift at one and Evan wouldn’t have to go into school the next day. He sat alone, scrolling through the news on his phone until he heard the doors burst open and a group of people yelling.

  
“I told you, Larry! I told you it wasn’t for attention and you allowed our baby boy to go to the park and— and do this?!” The older women shouted at who must have been her husband.

  
“I didn’t know he would do _this,_ Cynthia.”

  
“Well maybe if either of you paid attention you would’ve— Evan?” All eyes snapped over to Evan, who felt slightly sick to the stomach. “What are you doing here?”

  
“A- Ah, well, y- you see... my mom? S- She works here?” He began, getting cut off by Cynthia, who he assumed to be Connors mother.

  
“Larry, they said another kid found him. Did you..?” He nodded a bit, looking down at his feet quietly. “Zoe, he— Connor signed his cast!” He folded in on himself, trying to avoid the eyes staring at him with mixed emotions.

  
The seat next to him squeaked, and he turned his head to find jeans with stars on the cuffs. His breath caught in his throat and he tried to look back down again. Both of the teenagers sat in silence as the Murphy parents discussed what to do in the back.

  
“We... we already talked to the doctor,” Evan looked over to Zoe, her eyes were trained on the wall opposite of them and her expression unreadable. “They said you got there just in time. So, um... thanks. For saving my brother.”

  
He nodded, mumbling a response under his breath. It was much to early for Evan to have gone through this much interaction already in a couple of hours, and he felt drained from all of it. As the doors opened and closed, he looked up to find a tired Heidi Hansen putting on her jacket. He stood, walking over to her and scrunching his nose when she kissed his forehead. The three Murphy’s looked at her, hoping for some news.

  
“I’ll be Connors nurse during his stay at the hospital. Connors condition is good for... what happened,” she cleared her throat, continuing. “He was found early on, so not much damage was done. His liver has minor damage and there’s a chance of him suffering from minor seizures until completely recovered, but as of this moment we believe he’s going to survive. When I come back for my morning shift and I get an update, I’ll be more than happy to answer any questions you three have.”

  
All three nodded, Cynthia giving his mom a hug and thanking her. Both Hansen’s made their way outside to the car, getting in and buckling their seat belts. The drive home was silent aside from the low hum of the radio playing the nighttime station. Evan stared outside, watching the world pass by and taking in the sights of the serene night. Once they pulled into the driveway and Evan got into his room, he fell onto his mattress, not even bothering to change his clothes as he let sleep overcome his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already have a couple chapters written so I decided I would give two chapters for now. Both are a bit quick paced, but I think they set up the next couple? I’m working on chapter 7 as I do this so just kind of say if you want the next couple chapters early too?? Otherwise I’ll just upload them later. I haven’t decided what the update schedule will be yet oops.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan pays Connor a visit in the hospital. Awkwardness ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, no one really asked me to upload multiple chapters in one day but I kinda feel like doing it. It’s really nice to see that people are reading this fic! It’s only the second one I’ve ever done, and the last one I wrote almost 3 years ago. Anyways, enjoy the chapter! I promise they get longer eventually (chapter 6 is the longest so far)! They do stay around 1,500 for the most part, but I’ll try to get them around 2,000 each starting at chapter 8!

Evan awoke hours later to his school alarm that he forgot to turn off in the haste of the previous nights events. He groaned, turning over to reach for his phone and turn it off. After deciding he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep from the blaring noise, he decided to scroll through his phone mindlessly. He went to open his messaging app, going to text Connor and Jared good morning when-

  
“Oh,” he muttered, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. The previous night came flooding back to him, pictures of an almost dead Connor flashing through his mind. He shuddered, simply opening his messages to Jared instead to alert the boy he wouldn’t be in school that day.

  
E: Hey, Jared! I won’t be in class today. Can you maybe pick up the work for me? If you can’t it’s not a big deal, I don’t want to bother you.

  
J: Can’t you just ask your new boyfriend Connor?

  
His breath caught in his throat and he frowned, typing away quickly.

  
E: He’s not my boyfriend?? And! He’s not coming in either? So maybe, like, don’t be a jerk??

  
J: Are you two going out on a date? Goody-two-shoes Evan Hansen is skipping class?! Never thought I’d live to see the day.

  
Evan rolled his eyes, sitting up and stretching.

  
E: Can you get me the work or not, Jared? And maybe pick up a copy for Connor too?

  
J: Got you covered, Acorn. But you owe me for this.

  
Evan resisted the urge to type out a comment about the nickname but stopped himself in fear of Jared saying he won’t bring the work if he does. He yawned, turning off his phone and getting up to change. He decided that instead of his usual attire, he would just put on some jeans and a graphic tee with a bee on the front. He looked in the mirror, brushing his hair back so his bed head looked better managed. Rubbing his eyes, Evan grabbed his medicine and made his way to the kitchen, a note from his mom hanging on the fridge.

_  
‘I called you out of school already. Maybe you can stop by the hospital to visit your friend Connor? Love you, sweetie!’_

  
He smiled at the letter, filling a cup with water and taking his medicine. He looked at the clock on the microwave, the time now reading seven-fifteen. Looking through the cabinets, his took out some bread to make toast. As he put the bread in the toaster, he went to get a plate to set, a knife and butter. As he placed the knife down, his phone began to buzz, startling him so he jumped in his spot. Looking at the caller ID, he flinched at seeing the hospital number. He picked it up, holding it to his ear.

  
“Mom? You know I don’t like talking on the phone...”

  
“Not exactly how I expected you to answer, but hey to you too, Hansen.”

  
He choked on the air, coughing and pounding at his chest. He looked at the phone in shock, quickly fumbling to put it back to his ear so he could answer.

  
“C- Connor?! What are you— how... _what?_ ” When the toaster popped up, he squeaked and gripped the edge of the counter. From the other side of the line, he could hear some laughter that was mostly covered by coughing. He frowned, his cheeks heating up as he put his phone on speaker and set to making his toast.

  
“Your mom - or, at least, I’m assuming she’s your mom, otherwise this would be really weird - gave me your number again so I could call with the hospital phone.”

  
“Connor... how on earth are you talking to me so easily right now? Last night you- you were...” he trailed off, not wanting to continue and remind both of them of what had happened. Connor cleared his throat, continuing as he was before.

  
“Well you see, they have me so drugged up right now-”

_  
“Connor!”_

  
“-that honestly? I can’t feel much pain! Except for this horrible headache I have, but they said it should go away after a bit. And - get this - no seizures! They say I’m ‘lucky’.”  
Evan flinched, putting the butter knife into the dishwasher and taking a bite of his toast as he thought over what to say next. He should probably tell Connor how he is lucky to be alive right now, but instead, he blurted out -

  
“Do you want me to visit?” The other side of the line was silent, and Evan shook his head at his own stupidity. “No, wait, t- that was stupid, right? I mean- you barely know me? A- And anyways, even I wouldn’t want to see m- me, sorry-”

  
“You can come over now if you want,” He blinked, barely hearing the response. “I mean, mom and Larry aren’t coming until Zoe gets out of school today, so it’s empty here right now...”

  
“Give me half an hour?”

  
Both boys exchanged their goodbyes, and Evan stared at his phone. He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly through his nostrils. Looking at his toast, he suddenly lost his appetite and threw it into the trash. He picked up his plate, rinsing it off and putting it in the dishwasher so his mom wouldn’t have to deal with his mess. Quickly, he grabbed his earbuds and keys, going outside and locking the door. Putting in his earbuds, he began his walk to the hospital.  
The walk wasn’t too far, only about twenty minutes, and the weather was beautiful out for the end of summer. Evan had always loved the transition from summer to fall, loved seeing the colors of the leaves in the trees change with the season. He hummed along to his Arrow Smith playlist, smiling contently to himself. He wasn’t quite sure what it was, but something about listening to the band made him calm. It probably had to do with the fact that his mom was a huge fan and basically raised him on their albums.

  
As the hospital came into view, he tried to keep his heart beating at a normal rate. He walked through the door, pulling out his earbuds and playing with the hem of his t-shirt. Making his way up to the desk, he noted that the lady sitting behind it was his moms friend, Erica. He gave her a weak smile, requesting to see Connor Murphy.

  
“Room one-zero-five, sweetheart. It’ll be on your left.” she told him, waving the boy off. He thanked her quietly, making his way to the room and trying to ignore the voices in his head telling him to turn back. Once he was in front of the door, he paused, staring at the number. Taking a deep breath, he knocked gently, peaking into the room.

  
Looking inside, he was surprised to find Connor sitting up watching the hospital TV as his mom sat by the computer, typing away. Heidi turned, seeing him and smiling, waving him in. Connor simply stared at the screen on the wall opposite of him, focused on whatever they were playing.

  
“U- Um- hi mom,” Evan muttered, stepping into the room cautiously. He took a seat by the window, flinching at the noise it made. When he looked back to Connors bed, he noticed the other boy staring at him. He put on what he hoped was a smile, but probably was more of a grimace, as he waved to him.

  
“Hey,” Connor muttered, turning back to the TV. Evan looked to his mother, hoping she would have something to say to break the tension in the room. She shrugged, sighing and turning to Connor.

  
“Sweetie, I already told you that if you were tired you should just take a nap-” he shook his head, cutting off Heidi.

  
“I invited Evan to come visit. And that would be rude, right? Like, who does that? Invites someone to come and talk and then just falls asleep?” Connor mumbled, playing with the blanket on his lap. It was then that Evan decided to take a better look at the boy. His skin was still sickly pale, dark bags prominent under his eyes. From the previous night to now, one of the doctors must have changed him into a hospital gown, putting the scars lining the undersides of his arms on full display. He looked down to his lap, fiddling with his thumbs and squeezing his eyes shut.

  
“Y-You can nap if you want? I don’t mind,” Evan stated, shrugging when he felt Connors eyes on him. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to keep his breathing normal.

  
“I’ll just rest later. It’s fine.” Connor replied, trying to sit up further and groaning. “ _Shit-_ that, that _hurt-_ ” he whined, looking to Heidi helplessly. She gave him a sympathetic smile, spinning her chair so her entire body would face the boy.

  
“If you want I could get you some more painkillers?” she questioned, Connor nodding a response and thanking her quietly as she left the room. A tense silence settled between the two, neither sure what to say next. Suddenly, a scream from the TV startled Evan, making him jump in his seat and snap his head to the screen quickly, scowling at the movie. He heard a quiet chuckle behind him, turning to face Connor sheepishly as a faint blush settled across his features. Quietly, he let out a small laugh of his own, gladly releasing some of the tension from his body. Once both of them were done laughing, they looked at each other contently, small smiles occupying their faces.

  
“Thanks, Hansen.” Connor said, turning off the TV and cracking his knuckles. “They uh- or, your mom, told me about what you did last night?” Evan sat still, trying not to let his body stiffen again. “And you know? I wanted to be pissed about it. So, fuck you for saving me. But thank you?”

  
“You’re welcome? I- I think?” he replied, unsure what to answer. Connor nodded, laying his head back and staring up at the ceiling. Something told him both of them would be spending a long time in that hospital room together.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor naps, Evan reads, the insanely cool Jared Kleinman shows up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one’s one of the shortest chapters in the story. Sorry.

Despite Connors earlier protest for sleeping while Evan was there, he did eventually drift off. Evan noticed that while he was resting, he seemed a lot less stressed. He seemed... peaceful, almost.

  
Not that Evan was watching him sleep. Why would he do that?

  
It’s weird to watch people sleep! Plus, Evan was totally straight. No homo here. Liked girls. Remember? _Straight._

  
But, maybe every now and then, Evan did glance over to look at Connors softened features. He may have also picked up on some of the details of his face? Like his really long eyelashes and the random freckles that were scattered sparsely across his face.

  
Again!

  
Not. Gay.

  
After about twenty minutes, when Evan was absolutely sure that Connor was sleeping and Heidi had left for her lunch break, he went back to texting Jared.

  
E: Sorry if I’m bugging you, but I’m not entirely sure when I’ll be home? If I’m not there, just leave the work in the mailbox please? Thank you so much, Jared!

  
J: Dude, why wouldn’t you be home? I thought you were like,, sick or some shit?

  
J: Wait

  
J: No way!

  
E: ???

  
J: You totally skipped with Murphy!

  
E: I didn’t skip! It’s just not my place to tell, okay? I’ll explain later! Just... please?

  
J: Why can’t you just tell me what happened? Definitely sounds like you two ran off together on a secret date.

  
E: Jared!

  
J: Okay, okay! Fine! I’ll leave it in the mailbox. I expect some top of the art double stuffed Oreos for this.

  
Evan rolled his eyes, closing the messaging app and opting instead to read some books he downloaded onto his phone. Evan really liked to read, and he definitely preferred paperback covers to ebooks, but he found it easier to read on his phone than to lug around so much weight. The way he hunched his back all the time already hurt his back, he didn’t need anymore harm done. Also, he didn’t look as weird if he was staring at his phone as opposed to carrying around his own books. People usually didn’t look at him like he was a freak if it was his phone, because then they assumed he was texting someone and they wouldn’t bother him.

  
He went into his amazon kindle app, opening his newest book, ‘It’s Kind Of A Funny Story’. He was only a couple chapters in, but he liked the story so far. He found the main protagonist fairly relatable from the way his mind was always in a million places, stressing him out so much to the point of hospitalization. He must have been reading for about half an hour, completely lost in the story, when he heard a shift in the bed beside him and a couple of coughs. He looked over, concerned, to see Connor rubbing his eyes and stretching as he woke up from his two hour nap.

  
“Hey,” Evan said, shutting off his phone and giving a weary smile. Connor groaned, squinting in his direction before lying back down and looking at the plain ceiling.

  
“Should’ve woke me up... how long was I out?” Connor asked, cracking his knuckles, causing Evan to flinch.

  
“N- Not long?” Evan shrugged, tapping his fingers on his leg. “Only two hours... b- but! You needed the rest? So I didn’t want to wake you up,” he finished, looking at Connor with concern laced in his eyes. Connor shook his head, yawning and sitting up a bit.

  
“Wouldn’t have bothered me. What time is it?”

  
“A bit past twelve, why?”

  
Connor groaned, running his hands over his face. Clearly, something was bothering him, and it made Evan fear the worst.

  
“Y- You must want me to leave, right? Like- that’s why you upset?” He began to stand up, looking to the ground nervously. “It’s fine- I can go, I don’t want to bother you-”

  
“Not you, Evan,” Connor mumbled, obviously annoyed. “Not thrilled about the folks coming here soon.”

  
Reading people quickly was something Evan had always prided himself on, and he had picked up a lot from the five minute introductions. Cynthia seemed like she cared a lot about Connor, and she seemed like she was trying her best, but she must have been passive. Larry seemed to be the one in mom and between the two, and he seemed more detached. Almost as if he didn’t know how to raise his children. And Zoe?

  
Well, Evan was confused to say the least.

  
Every time he passed her in the halls at school, she seemed a lot more happy. Carefree, even. She was the pretty girl with the smile that could light up the halls on the darkest days. Last night? She seemed cold. He looked over to Connor, who was playing with his hospital bracelets, and frowned. Life at home must be rough for him, and Evan wished there was something he could do to help.

  
His train of thought was caught off when he heard Connor sneeze, surprising him so his head snapped to look at the other boy quickly. Connor rubbed at his nose, frowning and mumbling some curse words under his breath. Suddenly, his face went pale and he grabbed the trash bin on his bedside table, vomiting into it. Evan turned away quickly, shutting his eyes tight. He heard footsteps approaching, looking up to find his mom walking into the room with an apologetic smile.

  
“Do you feel any better after getting that out, Connor?” She asked, receiving a pained groan as a response. “It’s the withdrawal, honey. Your body’s trying to make sure you’re safe.”  
“I wish my body would fuck itself,” Connor mumbled, resting his head on the rim of the metal bin. Evan flinched at his choice of wording while Heidi seemed unaffected. She handed him a plastic bag while she went to the bathroom to rinse out the bin, still continuing to speak despite the distance.

  
“You have a psych evaluation in half an hour. Evan will either have to wait in the hall or go home while it happens, but keep in mind your family’s coming right after it’s finished.” Heidi stated, putting the now emptied bin at the table once again. Connor closed his eyes as he thought over his options, sighing as he turned to Evan.

  
“Hate to cut it short, but maybe you should head home? But don’t get all paranoid that I don’t want you here. That’s stupid. Just... not when my family is here, alright? Not yet, anyways,” he mumbled, a sad look in his eyes. Evan nodded, standing up a giving him a small smile.

  
“It’s alright, I get it. I’ll, uh... see you later?” He asked, hope lacing his voice. Connor nodded his head, laying back down again. Evan looked at his mom, who gave him a small kiss on the cheek and ruffled his hair gently.

  
“I’ll be home for a bit in a couple hours. How about tacos?” He nodded, his small smile growing ever so slightly.

  
“That would be great.”

  
He said his goodbyes to his mom and Connor, plugging back in his earbuds and walking home. The heat had increased slightly since it was now later in the day, but Evan didn’t mind. He made his way to his house, an extra spring in his step as he quietly sang along to the playlist. He let the small breeze mess up his hair as he walked, his head held high for the time being.

  
The walk home felt a lot quicker with his mind at peace, and he entered the house happily. Going to his room, he grabbed his laptop and brought it back to the living room to start his letter for therapy. He knew he would be showing this one to Doctor Sherman as next weeks appointment.

  
_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_  
Today was a not so bad day. It started out a little scary with Connors incident last night - which, also, you have a new friend! - but now that he’s getting the help he needs, things might be okay. I don’t expect it to be a quick recovery, I know there will be ups and downs along the way, but I think he’ll end up alright._

_  
We’ll end up alright?_

_  
Well, maybe start off with baby steps._

_  
Like maybe doing some research on sexualities? Or is it normal to crush on your crushes brother who’s also your new friend?_

_  
No, wait. That’s stupid. Obviously not normal._

_  
Sincerely,_

_  
your best and most dearest friend, me._

  
He saved the doc to print later, shutting his laptop and smiling. With the time reading half past two, he felt as if the rest of the day would fly by just fine.

  
Until his front door was opened by a not so happy looking Jared who plainly stated, “what the hell were you doing today?”

  
Evan turned quickly, his happy mood suddenly rubbing off. Maybe today was going to be a bit longer than originally planned for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I guess I should explain some stuff. Hi! I’m the author. You can call me Tianna if you guys want? So, I would go on about how Dear Evan Hansen has helped me with my own issues with GAD and all, but that’s not really what you guys want to hear. Basically, yes! I have anxiety! I bet I seem really awkward right now anyways which might give it away slightly lmao  
> Also, I’m starting therapy soon (I believe next week? I don’t know, my mom just told me “you’re going on Wednesday’s” and I was like “K cool”) so I’ll be able to improve some later scenes with therapy after.   
> Evan’s anxiety reflects a bit off of mine in this story? Mostly because I find his to be very similar. We have a lot of the same mannerisms from when we get anxious.   
> So, yeah, that’s basically all I have to say? Thank you for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan does some research on sexualities and talks to Jared. Jared plays video games, Heidi comes home, and everything’s alright.

Both boys were situated on the couch in the Hansen house living room, Jared staring at Evan expectantly as he stared down as his hands and picked at his cuticles.

  
“ _Well?_ ”

  
“W- Well _what,_ Jared? I already s- said, it’s not my place to tell!”

  
“You said you would, and I quote, ‘explain later’! It’s later, Evan! Explain!”

  
Evan frowned, furrowing his brows as he ripped a piece of skin too quickly. Hissing, he applied pressure quickly to stop the small amount of blood. He heard Jared groan, turning on the TV and Evan’s old gaming system to play Fortnite.

  
“I’ve got all day, Hansen. Take your time in your explanation,” he said, setting the game to team mode and starting it up.

  
“W- Well, I don’t? Mom’s making tacos for dinner? T- Taco Tuesday?” Evan explained, growing frustrated.

  
“Even more reason for me to stay! I’m not missing out on Heidi Hansen’s famous Taco Tuesday!”

  
Evan rolled his eyes, turning so he could watch Jared gather items to survive the storm. He had only downloaded the game for Jared, gaming not really being his thing. It made his nerves skyrocket, usually ending in a panic attack for the poor boy. He turned on his phone, checking the time nervously. The clock now read three, and Evan wasn’t exactly thrilled at the thought of spending the day with Jared. He looked over to the other boy who had his tongue stuck out as he focused on the game. Turning to the TV screen, he flinched when someone jumped in front of Jared’s character, effectively shooting him down.

  
“Did you uh... bring the work? That I missed?” Evan questioned, turning to the shorter boy. Jared set down the controller, adjusting his glasses before reaching into his bag and pulling out some paper and placing it down on the coffee table.

  
“Brought some copies for Murphy too if you’ll tell me where he is.”

  
“He’s...” Evan fidgeted, exhaling through his nostrils. “He’s at the hospital, okay?” He mumbled, giving Jared a hard look. Jared stared at him blankly, carefully deciding what to say.

  
“What, did he try to kill himself or some shit?” Evan’s eyes widened, his body tensing. Jared’s expression changed from joking to shocked, “Wait...”

  
“Please don’t tell him you know! I- It wasn’t my business to say he overdosed- oh my god, Jared. W- Why couldn’t you just... mind your own business?! J- Jesus Christ!”

  
“Evan, _Evan!_ Calm down! Look at me, Hansen,” Jared grabbed his hands as he felt his face heat up with frustration. “Take a deep breath, okay? _Breathe,_ ” and he did. He squeezed Jared’s hands, shutting his eyes tight as he began counting.

  
Evan was never fond of the breathing exercises that Doctor Sherman gave him. Although the counting could distract his mind, whenever he messed it up he only spiraled down further. Breathing in was easy, holding it a bit tougher, but breathing out slowly was always the hardest part. His lungs never wanted to cooperate, they begged for him to just let it all out as soon as possible. He could rarely count all the way on his own.

  
His heart pounded in his chest, anxiety squeezing his lungs as he choked back a sob. Jared only held his hand tighter, beginning to count out loud quietly for him. They continued to try and even his breathing for a couple of long, agonizing minutes. Once Evan was mostly calmed, his sniffled, wiping the now cool tears off of his face and staring down at his lap quietly. Jared watched silently, only increasing Evan’s nerves. He was used to Jared’s loudness, and he knew when he was quiet he was in his serious mindset. After a bit of tense silence, Jared opened his mouth and began to speak slowly.

  
“Evan... you didn’t find him, did you?” His voice was gentle, barely above a whisper. Evan hated it.

  
“I- I really don’t see why it matters? Y- you’re only my family friend, r- right? So you shouldn’t e- even care! Just... just drop it, Jared. I- It wasn’t funny.”

  
“Didn’t say it was funny, Ev” he retorted, his voice even. Evan looked at his face, trying to read his expression. “I know Connor and I aren’t the best of friends, but how ‘bout you and I visit him together sometime, yeah?”

  
Evan shook his head, taking in a shuddering breath. “See, but then h- he knows you know? Which’ll make him angry?”

  
Jared tapped his hand gently, shaking his head. “Evan, c’mon, breathe. He won’t be angry, and if he is, then it would be with me, not you. It’ll be fine” he reassured, and Evan nodded, not having the energy to argue.

  
Jared pulled his hands away, turning back to the TV and starting up a new game. He sat back, propping his feet up on the coffee table as if nothing had happened. Evan shook his head and decided to do that earlier mentioned research on his phone. From about an hour and a half of searching, turns out bisexuality is a thing.

  
Turns out Evan is bisexual.

  
He blinked a bit, looking at the Wikipedia page for the sexuality.

  
_Huh._

  
He closed the tabs on the topic, shutting off his phone and stretching. It was now a bit past four, and from what he knew his mom should be home soon. He looked over to Jared, who apparently had stolen his Oreos while he was reading away. Usually, when Evan figures out something, Jared is the first to know. But is it weird if...?

  
“H- Hey, Jared?” He started, not really sure how to go about telling him.

  
“ _H- Hey, Evan,_ ” he teased, grinning. “What’s got your panties in a twist? Finally gonna admit your undying love for Connor? Which, what happened to Zoe? Or don’t tell me you like both-”

  
“A- About that!” Evan rushed, clearing his throat nervously. “I think Zoe was m- more of a, uh... fantasy? N- not realistic?”

  
“You’re telling me,” Jared mumbled, amused.

  
“Um, ouch? B- But! Did you know... bisexual? Is a thing? That people can be?” Jared turned to him slowly, a questioning look on his face. It shifted from surprised to blank before he nodded, turning back to the game.

  
“A hardcore pansexual here, bud. Haven’t you ever noticed me ogling the theatre kids? Like, _damn,_ who knew singing and dancing required so much muscle?” Evan stared at Jared after he finished, shocked. Jared coming out was one of the last things he expected after doing so himself, but the more he thought about it, the more obvious it seemed.

  
“Is that why you said...?”

  
“‘There’s nothing unrealistic about the love one man feels for another’? Fuck yeah, Ev! I crave equality” he answered, grin never leaving his face. Evan nodded, letting himself get lost in thought for a bit. For a while, neither had much to say, so while Jared played away Evan decided to get started on his homework. Before long, Heidi was walking through the doorway with a small bag of groceries in her arms.

  
“Is that Jared? Sweetie, why didn’t you tell me Jared was over? I would’ve bought more food!” She scolded, placing the bag down on the counter. Jared smiled in triumph as he won a victory royale, turning to Heidi.

  
“Why didn’t _you_ tell _me_ tonight was a famous Heidi Hansen Taco Tuesday night?” He shot back playfully, chuckling when she walked by and ruffled his hair. She leaned forward, placing a small kiss onto Evan’s head as he scrunched up his nose.

  
“ _Moooom,_ ” he groaned, swatting her away gently. She laughed, heading towards her room to change out of her scrubs. Evan turned to Jared quickly, a pleading look in his eyes.

  
“Whatever you do, don’t tell her- please? I think I’ll die if she knows!” He whispered, gripping Jared’s shoulders.

  
“You know she wouldn’t care if you like dick-”

  
“ _Jared William Kleinman I swear to God I will tell everyone about the bath bombs-_ ”

  
“Okay, fine! I won’t tell! Jesus fucking Christ, you promised to never bring that up again!” Jared huffed, crossing his arms.

  
Heidi walked back into the living room in jeans and a t-shirt, confused at her sons flustered face and Jared’s angry look, but she decided against asking. She made her way to the kitchen, turning on the stove and unpacking the food. Slowly, Evan got up and stood by the counter, fidgeting.

  
“Do you uh— well, m- maybe, I could help? With dinner? If you wanted,” he asked, picking at his cuticles. She smiled warmly, shaking her head.

  
“Why don’t you finish up your school stuff with Jared? I saw he brought you over some papers,” she replied, putting the ground up beef into the pan. He nodded, making his way back over to Jared on the couch and picking up his papers and pencil again. She watched as Evan urged Jared to do the same, taking away the gaming controller and holding it away from the other boy. She smiled fondly, shaking her head and chuckling quietly. Despite how old they got, she would never be able to see those two as anything other than her little boy and his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guys tell I like to use italics?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor doesn’t like opening up at all. He’d rather down the bottle of pills over again if it meant he didn’t have to go through this bullshit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s a chapter from Connors perspective! It was really nice to write from his point of view, and I think I might do it more later. Enjoy!

After Evan left the room, Heidi began to take Connors vitals. He answered all of her questions, with minor attitude, until the therapist came in for his evaluation. Connor eyed the middle aged women, his expression neutral. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Heidi leaving.

  
“So, Mr. Murphy-” the lady began, Connor cutting her off with narrowed eyes.

  
“My name is Connor.”

  
She paused, looking at him quietly before nodding slowly. “ _Right._ Well, Connor, I’m Doctor Woods” she said, holding out her hand politely. He simply folded his in his lap, waiting for her to continue. Her lips pulled into a small frown as she dropped her hand back down to her side, sitting. “I’m sure you know what I’m here for,” she began, and he rolled his eyes. “But before we begin talking, I need you to fill out these sheets.”

  
He looked at the papers handed to him, scoffing. It was like ninth grade health all over again. Begrudgingly, he took the pencil Dr. Woods held out and began filling in the paper.

  
Name: Connor Murphy.

  
Date Of Birth: January fifth.

  
Age: Seventeen.

  
Occupation: Student in grade twelve.

  
Further down, there were questions about his mental health. If he had ever seen a therapist before ( _yes, which Larry pulled him away from_ ), had he been diagnosed with any mental illnesses ( _severe depression and minor anxiety, but it was “for attention”, right?_ ), if he had thoughts of suicide ( _why the fuck else would he be here?_ ), or if he had ever self harmed ( _take a look at the arms, lady. They’re on full display_ ). He handed the paper back to her, crossing his arms as she read over his answers. She hummed, setting it down to the side.

  
“Well, Connor, I’m glad that you’re already so responsive after your incident earlier,” he frowned, resisting the urge to tell her to fuck off. “but I’m sad to see you’re feeling this way. Now, you wrote down that you had previously gone to therapy? When was that?” She took out a pad of paper, clicking her pen as she looked at him curiously. He shifted on the bed, uncomfortable under her gaze.

  
“Sophomore year. I was still fifteen at the time,” he mumbled. She nodded, scribbling something down on the lined paper.

  
“Is that when you were diagnosed with depression and anxiety?” She asked, and he hummed an affirmative response. “Why don’t you tell me about that? How that makes you feel?”

  
He looked at her blankly, void of emotion. “Well, let’s see. I’m in the hospital after an attempted suicide talking to a shrink. Now how do you think I feel, Doc?” He asked, venom dripping from his voice. She smiled, jotting down something else before sitting up.

  
“I think you’re hurting,” she stated simply. He rolled his eyes, mumbling under his breath. “and I think you don’t know how you ask for help from those around you without lashing out”. Connor stared at her quietly after she finished, trying to process what she had said. The part about lashing out was true, no doubt in his mind, and he definitely hurt, but he had tried to ask for help. Multiple times. He huffed, rolling his eyes as he grew frustrated.

  
“You don’t think I ever asked for help? I wouldn’t have gone to therapy before if I hadn’t asked for fucking help, Dr. Woods,” he snarled. He clenched his fists as his anger grew, the heart monitor increasing. “I begged them for help for years, and then— then, _fucking Larry_ took it away! Just like he does with everything!” He yelled, starting to pull at his hair as he laughed dryly. “Said it was all an act! Caught me, Larry! I paid the goddamn shrink to tell us I was as fucked up as we all say I am!”

  
He was snapped out of his thoughts as he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. His pulled away quickly, his breathing ragged. Hot tears streamed down his face as he stared at Dr. Woods while she held out a tissue for him. He snatched it out of her hand, wiping at his face and blowing his nose before throwing it into the trash bin. He looked out the window, trying to ignore the sound of ink gliding on paper.

  
“Did your old therapist ever explain what kind of depression you have, Connor?” She spoke calmly, and he refused to answer. She waited for a couple of seconds before continuing, “you have bipolar disorder, and therefor bipolar depression. That’s why you shift from neutral to angry so easily,” she explained. A loud ringing echoed in his head.

  
Doctor Woods stood, collecting her items. “We’ll start you on some new medications tonight, okay? Tomorrow we’ll begin discussing how you can try to heal at home.” She finished, a soft smile on her face. Connor rolled his eyes, flipping her off when she turned. After she left, the room was silent. Heidi hadn’t come back yet which he was grateful for, he needed some space to himself after the last hour.

  
He laid down, thinking over everything that was said quietly. Nothing said had really been big news besides the bipolar part. He had known he had anxiety and depression, he knew the depression had caused his outburst, but he had never had specifics. He wondered if there was anything else his family was keeping from him. Eventually, Heidi had come back into his room telling him she had to clock out for the day. He nodded in understanding, mumbling for her to have a good night.

  
“Your family will be here soon, and if you need anything at all use the ‘help’ button by your bed, okay? Have a good night, honey” she said, smiling at him warmly as she left. He groaned at being reminded that his family was coming, but he decided against dwelling on it before the arrived. Instead, he let his mind wander in whichever direction it chose to. Which ended on a dirty blonde with blue eyes and cute little sun kissed freckles.

  
Wait, _cute?_

  
Now, Connor was no stranger to his sexuality. In fact, he was well aware of his raging homosexuality. He had come to terms with it way back in seventh grade when he had this awkward crush on Jared Kleinman.

  
Which, eventually, was crushed.

  
Despite how much of an ass Jared was to him now, it hadn’t always been like that. Back in middle school, the boys shared a lunch block and often ended up sitting at the same table. They never became the greatest of friends, but they were what would be referred to as ‘acquaintances’. Between eighth grade and freshman year, Jared has allowed his ego to get the better of him, quickly ruining whatever friendship they could’ve had. Up until then, Connor simply thought he was a nice guy with some funny jokes. It wasn’t a huge crush that had him crying for weeks, but it was one that opened his eyes to the possibility of leaning more towards a Nick than a Nichole like other guys he went to school with.   
After all those years though, Connor had to give him one thing. His friend, Evan? Pretty cute. Connor felt bad for him, he clearly had some pretty bad anxiety issues and he had shoved him not once, but twice. The first time was a misunderstanding, but the second time?

  
Well, what do you do when you like the guy who has a crush on your sister?

  
Before he could even consider dwelling on the thought, he heard knocking on the door as he watching three familiar figures enter the room. He watched them quietly, subconsciously trying to cover the angry red marks on his arms with his blanket. His mom took a seat by his beside, kissing his forehead, causing him to scrunch up his nose. Zoe took the same seat Evan occupied earlier by the window, looking outside at the changing leafs. And Larry?  
Larry didn’t even fucking sit. Just stood by the window, arms crossed and face blank.   
Connor decided to ignore Larry and Zoe, turning to his mom who had tears running down her cheeks. He shifted awkwardly, opting to instead look at her hands that rested on his legs. Eye contact was a bit much too soon, especially with the look of despair she had.

  
“Uh- hey,” He cleared his throat, grimacing at how scratchy his voice sounded. She smiled, squeezing his thigh gently.

  
“Hi, sweetheart. How are you feeling today? We saw Mrs. Hansen on her way out, she said you already seemed to be healing.” He shrugged, taking one hand out from under the blanket to put on top of his mothers gently. Although Cynthia was usually in his line of fire during one of his episodes, he did always have a softer spot for her when it came to emotions. He would often indirectly apologize, texting her that he would pick up groceries after school or do other tasks she needed done. He hoped she inferred the meaning behind the actions.

  
“Had a headache earlier? And I threw up a bit, but Heidi gave me some medicine to help out,” he mumbled.

  
“Well if that’s it then why are you staying _here_ when we can do the same for you at _home._ ” Larry stated, his voice even but on the brink of anger. Connor opened his mouth to fire back, clenching his fist slightly, but was cut off by someone else.

  
“Because _someone_ wouldn’t get him help before, so we’re getting it now, because clearly we can’t do the same from home. If you have such an issue with that, why don’t you just-”

  
“That’s _enough,_ Zoe!” His mother yelled, panic beginning to settle on her face. Connor looked at his sister, surprised, before breaking out into a small grin and chuckling quietly. When all heads turned to look at him, he bursted into a full blown laugh. Eventually, he felt a tissue being pressed under his eyes, and he looked at his mom confused. Looking at the tissue, he noticed it was damp.

  
“Oh,” he whispered, touching his cheek gently. Sure enough, he could feel wet tears rolling down his face. Turning, he saw Zoe looking at him concerned and Larry scared.

  
“Conner, sweetie, do you want to-” his mother began, and he shook his head, effectively cutting her off.

  
“God, no. Not... not yet, not so soon,” he answered, playing with the hair tie on his wrist. If it were just him and Cynthia in the room? He would’ve opened up a bit. Maybe even with Zoe there, but not as much. With Larry there? He couldn’t. He wasn’t ready to show weakness in front of him, especially after last night.

  
He heard Larry mumbling something to Zoe, and then watched as he made his way over to Cynthia to repeat the same thing. He looked at her questioningly, and she sighed, standing up.

  
“Your father and I are going to get us all dinner. Are you okay staying with Zoe for a bit?” She asked, hope in her eyes. He turned to Zoe, looking at her for a couple of seconds before shrugging, because why the fuck not? His mother thanked him, kissing both the siblings on the head before leaving, promising to be back soon. Once both of them left the room, he was left to look at Zoe awkwardly.

  
“Why don’t you take a photo? It’ll last you longer,” she shot at him, crossing her arms. He rolled his eyes, gesturing to the room.

  
“In case you didn’t realize, places like this don’t really let me keep around a cellphone.” He retorted. For a second, he swore he saw her eyes soften, but it was gone as soon as it arrived, going back to cold blue. She shook her head, turning on her phone and pulling out her earbuds.

  
“Fuck you for being selfish and doing this to us. Just so you know, if you ever consider trying again, I’ll kill you before you can.”

  
He flipped her off when he saw her turning up the volume.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Jared have a sleepover, but first a call from Connor. Jared answers it for him while he sleeps, letting the other boy get the rest he needs. When morning arrives, Evan tries to wake a grumpy Jared and they arrange plans to visit Connor after school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one’s shorter than the last chapter, but that’s because I had a lot of trouble finding the right words for it. It’s more of a filler, but it’s cute! Enjoy!

After a lot of persuasion, Evan had gotten Jared to do his homework for the night before having dinner. They had all opted to eating in the living room while watching Netflix together. Heidi hadn’t cared what they watched, leaving Jared and Evan to fight over who got to choose.

  
“I’m just saying, Ev, you won’t be disappointed if we watch Newsies!” Jared shouted, a fiery look in his eyes. Evan shook his head, crossing his arms.

  
“We watch Newsies, like, every time you come over. I want to watch a nature documentary!” Evan shot back. Heidi shook her head, laughing at the two boys pointless argument. Eventually, they had settled the dispute with a game of Rock Paper Scissors.

  
“Hell yeah!” Jared grinned, standing on the couch proudly. Evan pouted, mumbling something under his breath about the other boy cheating. Jared turned on the movie, instantly beginning to fawn over Crutchie. The gesture made Evan wonder how long it had been going on, and how he hadn’t notice the obviousness of it.

  
All three sat, watching the musical contently. Jared belting along to Santa Fe loud and proud, Evan humming along every now and again, and Heidi quietly singing Katherine’s parts when they came up. Every now and then, all three would choose a part and sing the harmonies together. All in all, it was nice.

  
After two hours and some tears, the movie wrapped up. Evan had at some point began resting his head on his mom's shoulder, Jared laying out across the couch so his legs were on top of the other two. Evan yawned, the clock reading eight thirty. He hasn’t gotten much sleep the night before for... obvious reasons, and it had been a long two days. Within minutes, he was asleep on Heidi, his breathing soft. Soon after, his phone began going off on the coffee table. Heidi and Jared both looked at each other, Heidi gesturing for him to answer since she couldn’t move without disturbing Evan. He nodded, standing and going down the hall before placing the phone to his ear.

  
“Hello?” He answered, hearing a groan on the other side. He raised an eyebrow, not knowing what to say to that.

  
“Where’s Evan?” The other person responded, and then it clicked in his head.

  
“He fell asleep while we were watching a movie. If you need to talk to him, it has to wait. There’s no way Heidi’s gonna let anyone wake him up, he rarely falls asleep so easily. What’s up, Murphy?” He responded, leaning against the wall. When the other side went silent, he flinched at his question. “Wait, you don’t have to-”

  
“Nothin’ much,” was the quiet answer. Jared shook his head, taking a deep breath.

  
“Look, I don’t know if you wanted me to know, but I accidentally found out? Evan’s all paranoid that you’re gonna hate him or something because of it, but it’s my fault.” He paused, trying to decide what to say next. “I know we aren’t really close or whatever, but maybe sometime I could visit with Evan? Or alone if you want, it doesn’t really matter to me. I could also not visit at all if you want that. I don’t wanna pressure you into anything, y’know?” He finished, shrugging to himself. Regardless of what others thought, he really didn’t have anything against Connor.

  
“Whatever, Jared. Just... when Evan wakes up, have him call this number?” Connor mumbled, clearly not really wanting to keep the conversation alive.

  
“Oh— yeah! Sure, man. Talk to you later?” He asked. He could practically feel him rolling his eyes from across town.

  
“If it helps you to sleep at night, then sure. I’ll talk to you later.” Was the response he received before the line went dead. He cringed, walking back to the living room and setting down the phone. Heidi casted him a questioning look and he shrugged, not really sure what to say. He heard Evan mumbling something in his sleep and he smiled to himself, deciding that he would just sleep over rather than go home.

  
Hours later, Evan woke up on the couch. He rubbed his eyes, squinting at his surroundings. He must’ve fallen asleep after the movie, the weight of the past couple of hours too much. He stretched carefully, aware of Jared sleeping on the other end. He noted that his mom must have moved to her room at one point to avoid waking the two of them up in the morning when she headed into work. Grabbing his phone and flinching at the brightness, he looked at the time.

  
Five in the morning.

  
He groaned quietly, laying back down. He wouldn’t have to get up for another hour or so, and his mom wouldn’t be up for a couple more minutes. Evan never liked being alone when he woke up, it gave his mind too much freedom to race. Plus, at this point, it was too late to go back to sleep and he probably wouldn’t be able to if he tried. Carefully and gently, he nudged Jared to try and wake him up. The other boy mumbled something in his sleep, attempting to kick Evan away. He flinched, poking at his leg gently.

  
“ _Jared,_ ” he whined, pouting and poking harder. “Please get up? It’s too quiet and mom is sleeping.” He continue, beginning to ramble. “Plus, we have to get up soon? Because— because you always get grumpy if you don’t eat breakfast? A- And we need to wake up earlier to eat, because it’s not just you? Mom and both of us have to get ready? So please get up?” He pleaded, beginning to tug on his arm. He really, really didn’t like the silence in the house. Jared groaned, rolling over and glaring at Evan.

  
“Call Connor then,” he muttered, voice thick from sleep. “He wanted to talk to you anyways.”

  
Evan looked at him confused, raising an eyebrow. “Connor— what? I talked to him yesterday? Just- just get up, Jared!” He said, pushing him with more force. After Jared almost face planted onto the floor, he frowned, flipping Evan off.

  
“He called you last night when you fell asleep, dipshit. Heidi had me answer,” he explained, putting on his glasses and stretching. He turned on his phone, eyes widening at the time. “What the hell, Evan?! No one in their right minds should be up at five in the morning!”  
“Um, it’s- it’s actually five fifteen now? So, n- not five?” He stuttered, his nerves beginning to build up. “A- And, it’s rude to answer my phone! Why didn’t mom?”

  
“Because you were sleeping on her? Dude, you _never_ fall asleep. There’s no way in hell anyone would wake you up from a nap,” Jared answered, punching his arm gently. Evan flinched, backing away a bit. Jared’s expression faltered slightly before he stood, “I’ll shower now so you can call him, alright? Seriously, he wanted to talk to you. Oh! And he said we could visit him together sometime. Ask him if after school works, I can drive us.” He said before heading down the hall.

  
Evan stared after him blankly. Taking a deep breath, he looked at his phone. He began dialing the hospital number but paused. Was it too early to call? What if he was asleep? He didn’t want to bother Connor. He did ask him to call though, and it’s rude not to call back. He shook his head, finishing putting in the number before hitting call. He held his breath as the phone rang, gripping his shirt tightly. He was greeted by many tired curse words on the other side of the call, making his nerves increase.

  
“Fuckin— who the _hell_ is up this early? Jesus fuck,” he heard Connor say, annoyance clear in his voice.

  
“Ah- um, hi? It’s— it’s Evan? Evan Hansen, that is... wait, no, obviously Evan Hansen. It’s not like you know any other Evan’s- I mean! Not that you don’t have friends! I’m sure you have plenty of friends- I mean, never mind. Sorry,” he finished, his voice trailing off quietly. For a bit, both were quiet before a quiet response from Connor.

  
“Evan?” He asked, his voice much calmer. He hummed in affirmation, his nerves still high as ever. “Shit, I didn’t mean to freak out on you there. Sorry.”

  
“Oh! No no no, it’s fine. No worries!” He shot back quickly. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down his racing heart. “So...”

  
“Fuck, right.” Connor started, “I need you to come over today? While my family is here. Bring Kleinman if you want to I guess? It’s just... alright, this is awkward, right? But they found your letter.” His breath caught in his throat. Of course they found the letter!

  
“S- So? Not to be rude! But... why do I need to be there? I mean- it’s just a letter?”

  
“Evan, they thought it was my suicide note. They think I wrote my suicide note to you, and apparently they saw that I signed your cast, too. Mom thinks we were best friends and I’m pretty sure Zoe thinks we were secretly dating.”

  
Evan could feel his face heating up from embarrassment. He promised to come visit later, saying he would probably bring Jared with him since he would need a ride. After hanging up the phone, he ran his hands over his face. What the hell had he gotten himself into?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes back to school. During first period gym, he finds out Zoe Murphy is in the same class as him and Alana Beck has it the same period. They talk a bit and Evan is one confused bisexual.

Eventually, Jared had finished showering and moved to the kitchen to make breakfast. Evan opted to eating with him so Heidi could shower and make it to work on time. As Jared made his cereal, he took a cup and filled it with water, grabbing his medicine. His body moved on its own, having him down the pills in no time. After, he sat down with Jared, his own bowl in front of him. Both ate in silence for a while, Evan tapping his fingers on the table absentmindedly while he chewed. Eventually, Jared cleared his throat, catching his attention.

  
“I’m assuming you called Murphy? You can’t seem to stay still, and I watched you take your anxiety medicine like five minutes ago. What did he say?” He questioned around a mouth full of food. Evan scrunched up his nose, swirling his spoon around his bowl.

  
“Just that uh, he needs me to visit? L- Later, after school. So I figured you could come too? Y- You said you wanted to do that, right?” He questioned, looking up at Jared timidly. The boy shrugged, standing and bringing his now empty bowl to the sink to rinse it off.

  
“Sure, why not? I’ll call the folks up to tell them while you shower,” he said before placing the bowl into the dishwasher. “Hey, do you want me to run this?”

  
“Oh,” Evan blinked, nodding. “Yeah, sure. I’ll just hand wash this.” He stood, bringing his own bowl to the sink before turning on the faucet, careful not to get his cast wet. “Tell your mom’s I say hi, by the way.”

  
“Will do,” Jared said, nudging him. “Now move, there’s no way you can wash that with one hand. Go wrap up your arm in your weird cling-wrap shit and shower so we can get to school on time.”

  
Evan nodded, smiling at him gratefully. He grabbed the necessary items before making his way to his room and grabbing a change of clothes. He wrapped up his cast carefully, heading into the bathroom and grabbing a towel. Taking off the clothes from the previous day and turning the shower handle, he put his foot in, testing the heat of the water. Once he decided it was warm enough, he stepped inside.

  
To Evan, showers were relaxing. They were a time where he could be as strange as he wanted with no worries about being judged. His body moved on its own, lathering shampoo into his hair. Despite how it looked from being so short, his hair was extremely thick and curly if it grew any longer. Shampoo and conditioner were just about the only luxury items he had in his household. That and his mothers skin care products. Both Hansen’s had their little necessities that they couldn’t help but splurge on, and they always made sure to leave room in their budget to do so.

  
After washing up, Evan stepped out of the shower and began drying off. He eyed the hair dryer briefly but decided to let his hair air dry for the day. He put on a pair of jeans but kept his signature blue polo in the outfit. Looking in the mirror, he decided he looked good enough for the day. He made his way out of the bathroom, dropping his dirty clothes and towel into the laundry hamper and grabbing his backpack. Going back to the living room, he saw Jared sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone.

  
“Ready to go?” Jared asked, startling Evan.

  
“Oh! I— yeah! Yeah. Let’s go,” he responded, quickly slipping on his shoes. Both boys got into Jared’s car, a 2007 gray Toyota Camry, and started to head out to school. Evan really shouldn’t have been surprised when the other boy hooked up his phone, listening to Carrying The Banner during their ride. He rolled his eyes, grinning slightly.

  
“You really like Newsies, huh?”

  
Jared scoffed, stopping at a red light. “I’m sorry, have you ever seen Jeremy Jordan? Hot fuckin’ damn!” He chuckled, letting out a low whistle. “Also, Mamma and Mum basically raised me on that shit. Still prefer the broadway version to the movie version though.”  
Evan laughed a bit. It had been a while since him and Jared were able to sit together without there being a lot of tension between them. Realistically, it had been since about eighth grade. That year, Evan’s anxiety had gotten much worse. Before then, he had only needed a therapist appointment every other week. Between then and freshman year, it had increased to weekly appointments and added medicine.

  
Before he could dwell on the matter for too long, they were pulling up to the school. Both boys stepped out of the car, Jared patting his back before heading in. Evan shook his head, following quietly. As he stepped inside, he was startled to hear his name being called. Turning, he saw Alana Beck waving to him, Zoe Murphy next to her. Timidly, he waved back, his face heating up. Jared stopped, turning around and raising an eyebrow.

  
“Evan! Hey,” Alana said, smiling. “Zoe and I were just talking about you. Where were you yesterday?” She asked curiously, head tilted to the side. He looked down at his feet, playing with his backpack strap nervously.

  
“Just, um, didn’t f- feel good.” He shrugged, flinching when Jared put an arm around his shoulder.

  
“He was a bad boy yesterday and skipped class. Evan’s joining me on the dark side. Not too late for you two to join us,” he said, grinning. Evan shook his head quickly, trying to say how that wasn’t the case. Alana seemed confused at the response, but Zoe had a look. This look in her eyes that said everything; she knew.

  
“How about we head up to the media center, Lana? I can get one of those books you tell me about,” she said, dragging the older girl along with her as she walked away. Evan was frozen in his spot, eyes glued to the retreating figures. It took Jared’s loud laughter to knock him out of it, his face flushing a bright red. The bell rang, signaling the two boys needing to head to their individual classes. Evan opened his mouth to say bye, but before he could get out a word Jared was already halfway down the hall.

  
He shook his head, making his way to the school’s gym. Evan wasn’t exactly unfit, but he was most certainly _not_ athletic. Quickly, he changed into his gym clothes, rushing out into the main part of the gym. He figured that as usual, he wouldn’t know anyone in his class, but when he lifted his head he was met with blue eyes.

  
“Oh-” he started, trying to think of what to say. Before he could get out a sentence, Zoe crossed her arms.

  
“You better take care of my brother. Even if mom and dad can’t figure out he’s as gay as can be, I’m not dumb.” She said, rolling her eyes and placing with one of her bracelets. “Just... be good to him, yeah?” She asked, looking up at him hopefully. He wanted to tell her they weren’t dating, he really wanted to tell her, but when he tried to speak all that would come out was a small squeak. He cringed, opting to instead just nod. Connor could always say they weren’t dating, right?

  
What if he didn’t though. What if Connor thought it was weird that he didn’t say it? Surely he would understand. Or maybe he wouldn’t, and then he would hate Evan. Maybe he already hated Evan. Even better, maybe when he finds out that he didn’t correct Zoe, he’ll make fun of him and tell him how much of a loser he was and how they were never even friends to begin with. His stomach started churning at the thought of going to the hospital after school. What was he thinking? Just when he thought he might vomit from stress, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He pulled away quickly, gripping his shirt with wide eyes.

  
“Shit! Sorry, I thought you were gonna puke or something! I didn’t mean to scare you! Fuck, Connor’s gonna kill me for this-” Zoe began, pulling her hand away quickly. Evan wanted to tell her she was rambling, but he knew that was hypocritical and rude. Instead, he just shook his head, trying to catch his breath again. She looked at him hopelessly, making him shrink under her eyes. He got an idea, pulling out his phone and beginning to type away. If words failed, writing wouldn’t, right?

  
‘Sorry. I was overthinking and then I guess I got a bit overwhelmed, didn’t mean to scare you.’ He wrote, showing the phone to Zoe. She scanned over the words quickly, snorting quietly.

  
“‘A bit overwhelmed’?” She teased, a small smile on her face. “I think it was more than a bit, Ev.”

  
He smiled slightly, shrugging and pocketing his phone before a teacher yelled at him. Surprisingly to him, Zoe stuck by his side when they had to start jogging. He raised his eyebrow curiously but decided against questioning it, figuring that would make it awkward. After each class had to go their separate ways, she ended up following him. That time, she must have caught onto the questioning look he was giving her.

  
“I have Gustafson too, silly. Now pay attention, he’s taking attendance.”

  
Right. He had forgotten that at his school, each class was grouped with either freshman and sophomores or juniors and seniors. Apparently, both him and Zoe were a fan of Lifetime Two with Mr. G.

  
They made their way over to take attendance, listening carefully and calling out ‘here’ when their names were called. After everyone was called, they were allowed a free gym block. They could either play basketball, tennis, or walk the track. Without hesitation, Evan began to make his way over the to track to walk quietly. He felt a gentle hand grab a hold of his, and he turned.

  
“We have to get Alana too, dork. Come on,” Zoe said, pulling him towards Alana’s class. He felt his face heat up slightly. Maybe liking Zoe was more than a fantasy? He shook his head, knowing that couldn’t be true. She was Zoe Murphy. Beautiful, kind, talented, smart... he felt Alana and Zoe’s eyes on him, making his face heat up.

  
“C- Could you repeat that? Sorry,” he stammered out. When Zoe let out a warm laugh, he felt his stomach fill with butterflies.

  
“You are just too cute, Evan” she said, her eyes bright. His breath caught in his throat suddenly, his face turning a bright red.

  
“I- me— _cute?_ ”

  
She nodded, turning to Alana to converse. His heart did backflips and he couldn’t help from breaking out into a huge grin. Screw what he told Jared, he definitely liked Zoe. How could he even question it? Oh, right.

  
Connor.

  
He shook his head, trying to weigh his options. On one hand, Connor obviously had some anger issues. Though, with the cold look Zoe can wear, he wouldn’t be entirely shocked if she had some feelings pent up too. On another hand, Zoe was extremely smart and pretty. But Connor was funny and handsome. They were just both extremely attractive siblings. It confused Evan more than he would like to admit. At this point, he couldn’t deny he liked both siblings. It was just a matter of getting to know them and then deciding which he liked more.

  
Not at all terrifying, right?

  
Or, as Evan likes to say, very much terrifying. Almost to the point of panic attack terrifying. Would it be too weird to ask Jared about relationship stuff? Maybe he should just bring it up with Dr. Sherman. Yeah, Dr. Sherman seemed like the safer option.

  
He shook his head, deciding to worry about it later. For now, he smiled at the two girls shyly and try to join the conversation. Laugh, nod, smile and go with the flow. Easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are all the chapters I had pre-written to uploading it! This one is more the length I want the rest to be. Enjoy and feel free to leave comments! I’d love to hear your opinions on the story so far


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First period ends and Zoe and Evan exchange numbers. The day passes by quickly and before he knows it, Evan’s outside Connors room again.

Looking at the clock above the gym door, Evan was sad to see class was almost over. It wasn’t that he loved gym, quite the opposite, really. Everyone was watching each other, if they meant to or not, and judging every movement. He hated the eyes trained on him when they played games, envied getting to choose teams because he knew he would be picked last. He wasn’t sad due to the class itself, but sad rather to say goodbye to the two girls who had kept him company for the past hour.

  
Normally, socializing would drain Evan almost instantly. With Alana and Zoe, he didn’t find that to be the case. The amount that Alana could say in such a short time was overwhelming, but he found with Zoe there too it wasn’t as bad. They balanced each other out with their personalities, and he couldn’t help but envy the relationship they had. When the bell rang, he went to part ways to the boys locker room but was stopped when Zoe called his name. He turned around, looking at her questioningly. Instead of giving a verbal response, she held out her phone to his face happily.

  
“What? Gonna leave without giving me your contact info?” She teased, rocking back and forth on her heels. He smiled sheepishly, creating a new contact and typing in his number. He handed her back the phone, a faint blush dusting his cheeks.

  
“Of course not. I wouldn’t dream of it,” he replied. She smiled, waving him off. Going back into the locker room, Evan changed out of his gym clothes and back to his regular outfit. One perk of being a senior was when he was done changing, he could head right to his next class without having to wait for the bell.

  
The rest of the school day went by quickly. From class to class he didn’t really have to do much. Seeing as it was only the third day of the year, they were only now beginning work. However, once he walked into calculus, he felt the air catch in his throat briefly. It was still weird to think that Connor wouldn’t be back at school for a while, and seeing the room without him was just a reminder. He would almost blame himself for not noticing the signs, but a shove from behind stoped him from doing so.

  
Right. He was standing in the doorway.

  
Awkwardly, he made his way to the back and sat in the desk he had two days prior. Taking out a notebook and pencil, he prepared himself mentally for the class. He had heard rumors about his teacher. How she was a tough grader and sometimes would give pop quizzes. If he was completely honest, Evan didn’t mind that so much. His biggest worry was class participation. It’s been an issue he’s faced for a while now. Either a teacher was very understanding and would let him talk the bare minimum or they would completely disregard the part of their paperwork where it mentioned his anxiety. Sometimes Evan could understand it, some teachers really didn’t know how bad it could get. Once they figured it out, most corrected their actions. However, the year before he had a particularly stubborn history teacher. He was a nice guy, but he was very adamant about all students speaking in class. More than once Evan had to leave to go to the nurses office until he tired himself out from crying.

  
Looking at the clock on the wall, panic began to settle in. It was a couple of seconds until the tardy bell rang and Jared still hadn’t walked into the class. Just as it rang, the aforementioned boy ran into the room, panting. Evan looked at him, concern written all over his features. Jared shook his head, sitting down and giving him a look that promised he would explain later. He nodded slowly, turning to look at the board as the teacher began the lesson. As he was writing notes, he decided he would take pictures to print out for Connor later.

  
Thinking of Connor again made his stomach churn slightly. He frowned, focusing on the lined paper. How was he supposed to explain what had happened earlier to the other boy? Hell, he’s had all day to correct Zoe! In fact, he could even text her that he wasn’t dating her brother. Just a simple, ‘hey, just wanted you to know that I’m actually super single and lonely haha see you later at the hospital!’

  
He shook his head, copying down equations from the board onto his paper. He guessed there was one perk to math, it required all of his focus to understand the subject. Really, who had come up with the idea to mix the alphabet into it? Evan missed the simple old days, where instead of writing proofs on circles all he had to do was memorize his times tables. He knew all the way through twelve in fourth grade. It was the proudest he had felt, he even went as far as to sending his dad a letter to tell him about it.

  
He hadn’t received a letter back.

  
Sighing, he ran his hands over his face, setting down his pencil briefly and cracking his knuckles. The action earned a glare from the girl sitting a couple desks to his left (he thought her name was Haley?), making him curl in on himself slightly. Luckily, the teacher was explaining the difference between sine, cosine and tangent, so he really didn’t need to write for a while. He rested his head against one of his hands, tapping on his desk top softly with the other. He watched the hands on the clock, tick, tick, ticking slowly as the minutes passed by. Something about the task was calming, and before he knew it the class was over. He stood, grabbing his bag and scanning the room for Jared. He spotted him by the doorway and made his was over quickly, smiling calmly.

  
“Ready to go visit your boyfriend?” Jared joked, punching his arm gently. He let out a small laugh, shaking his head.

  
“Still not dating Connor,” he answered, rolling his eyes. They made their way through the hall, trying to avoid bumping into anyone while they were at it. Apparently, some other students weren’t as cautious and openly walked into the other two. At first, Evan didn’t think much of it, the halls were a tight squeeze for everyone after all. However, after one full on shove that earned a couple of laughs, he had a feeling they were more on purpose than not. He kept his head down, counting the tiles on the floor and ignoring the small comments by the cooler students.

  
“Do you think the class fags are going home to have sex?”

  
“Definitely, man! Just look at ‘em”

  
He gripped his backpack strap tightly, not even wanting to see Jared’s face. He had a feeling the other boy wasn’t exactly a fan of the comments either.

  
“Better yet, both of you shut up and grow up.”

  
His head snapped up, and he turned around to see an annoyed Zoe. The two boys rolled their eyes, walking away. He opened his mouth, wanting to thank her, but closed it instead when no words came. He settled for a thankful smile, hoping that could convey how he felt.  
“Do you two get that a lot?” She asked curiously, looking between the two boys. Evan looked to Jared, hoping he would answer. Usually, Evan was just teased for his anxiety. However, he knew the comments they had just received were nothing new to Jared. Rolling his eyes, he turned around.

  
“I dunno, Zoe. People tend to pick on the gay kid with gay moms, alright? Unfortunately, every now and again, other people get dragged into it. I don’t want to talk about it, Evan _clearly_ doesn’t want to talk about it, and so that’s the end of that” he replied before turning back around and making his way to the door. Evan turned to Zoe, stuttering out a quick apology before hurrying after Jared.

  
Evan knew Jared got bullied. He knew that people liked to pick on the boy because of his home life, but honestly? They had no right. Jared had really nice moms! They were always kind to him when they came over and they always made sure he was comfortable. Plus, one of them was friends with his own mom, which was extra points alone.

  
He sighed when Jared got into the car. Getting into the passenger seat and buckling up, he looked at Jared worriedly. The other boy didn’t turn, simply began to back out of the parking space and making his way out of the school. This time as they drove, there was no music to make up for the awkward silence. He pulled out his phone, trying to think of something to do. He was startled when he got a text from an unknown number. Opening it quickly, he read it over and smiled, creating a new contact.

  
Z: Hey! It’s Zoe!

  
E: Hi!

  
He cringed. “Hi”? Who only writes “hi”? Try again!

  
E: I mean, hey!

  
E: No wait, this is stupid. Sorry, ignore that last part. What’s up?

  
Is it too late to delete the texts, change his number and pretend it didn’t happen?

  
Z: Haha no you’re totally fine, don’t worry about it.

  
He let out a relieved sigh. Good, she didn’t think he was too weird yet. Or maybe she was being nice. Hopefully both?

  
Z: You’re going to the hospital today, right? Mom totally made Connor promise you would visit, she would be heartbroken if you didn’t come.

  
E: Oh, yeah! I’m heading there now with Jared. Wouldn’t want to disappoint, haha :)

  
Smiley face? Really? God, she probably thought he was such a loser.

  
Z: See you there! :)

  
_Oh._

  
He smiled to himself a bit. First time texting Zoe was a success. Looking up, he was surprised to see they were already at the hospital parking lot. He turned to Jared, glad that he seemed to have relaxed a bit during the ride. They parked the car, both boys getting out and leaving their bags. Evan grabbed the extra copies of work from the past two days that he had brought for Connor, hoping it would be okay to leave with him. As they made their way into the building, Evan looked around calmly. When he was little, sometimes his mom would bring him to work with her so he wouldn’t have to be home alone so much. That stopped when he turned twelve, Heidi explaining that he was a big boy and should be able to stay home alone. Well, here he was five years later and he still couldn’t completely handle it.

  
When they got to the reception desk, they checked that Connor was still in the same room. One thing he liked that they did is they wrote down patients names and room numbers on a board, so he didn’t even have to ask this time. Evan tapped Jared’s arm, pointing to the board before starting to make his way to the room. Not that he was proud of it, but he sort of knew the building like the back of his hand at this point.

  
Once they were in front of the room, he took a deep breath. Before he could knock, the door was opened by a middle aged women. She smiled at them both, and he looked into the room to see a teary eyed Connor.

  
“Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Making musical references inside of a fanfic about a different musical? More likely than you think.  
> Anyways, did anyone catch my sly Be More Chill reference a couple chapters back? It was a bit of a tricky one, but if you think about who wrote the book Evan was reading in chapter 4 you’ll see it.  
> Thank you for the kudos and the kind comments! I didn’t expect such sweet feedback so soon and it really made my day! After seeing them last night I sat in my room and started cranking out this chapter too. Can you guys tell I’m unemployed and literally have nothing to do this summer?  
> Regardless of my sad social life, enjoy the chapter!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Jared come into Connors room. When his family arrives, it’s nothing but awkward. Also, one of Jared’s moms unironically likes the song “Never Gonna Give You Up”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it with a Connor perspective chapter!

Connor sat on his hospital bed awkwardly as Evan scolded Jared for his choice of words.

  
“It’s a movie quote!” Jared exclaimed, trying to defend himself. Connor rolled his eyes, looking out the window. Maybe if he stayed quiet they would forget he was even there and they would just go home before-

  
“Connor, honey, introduce us to your friends!”

  
Or, maybe not.

  
When he was little, Connor heard of this thing called “Murphy’s Law”. At the time, he thought it was cool that his name related to a well known thing. Then, later, he found out what it meant. “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong” was basically the quote he began living by. It started with little things, his dad crashing his toy plane at the orchard. Then, it got bigger. Losing his relationship with his sister, eventually even losing himself. Some nights, when he couldn’t sleep, he would look up at his ceiling and ask himself, _what happened?_

  
Shaking his head to rid it of those thoughts, he turned to the doorway, frowning as his mom, Zoe and Larry all entered the room. Cynthia looked beyond excited and he couldn’t even blame her, after all this was the most people she’d seen him with since fifth grade. That was the year they had decided he was “different” from other kids. He sighed, gesturing to the two boys.

  
“These two losers are Evan and Jared,” he began, Jared cutting him off mid-sentence.

  
“ _Losers?_ ”

  
“Oh, right, sorry. This is Evan,” he pointed to Evan who smiled nervously and waved. “And the loser is Jared.”

  
Jared gasped, putting his hand over his heart dramatically. From the corner of his eye, he swore he saw Zoe smile, but when he tried to look it was gone. He stared at her a couple of seconds, reluctantly deciding he would have to bring it up later. He watched as Cynthia introduced herself to both of his friends (friends? That’s what they were, right?), Larry rolling his eyes at her enthusiasm.

  
“Well don’t just stand around! Why don’t you two take a seat? There’s plenty of space,” his mother suggested. Zoe took the seat by the window that she had occupied the previous day, Jared simply sat on the window (it was one of those ones that was set up like a couch), leaving the only two available seats by his bedside. He could sense Evan beginning to panic and he clenched his fists. He didn’t get why Evan was so scared of him, it’s not like he could do anything in his condition. He watched Evan as he reluctantly sat in the seat next to his bed, his mom taking the seat next to him. Larry, again, stood in the corner.

  
“So sweetie, how was today?”

  
“ _Cynthia,_ ”

  
“I’m just asking a question, Larry! You know, speaking? To our son? Because I care about him!”

  
He rolled his eyes. Great, another day, another argument. Plus, it was about their favorite subject, too! Him! He could sense the tension in the room growing, and he knew if he didn’t diffuse it someone would end up crying (probably either Evan or Cynthia, but whatever medicines he had been put on the night before were making him emotional as hell so he wouldn’t have been surprised if he bursted out into tears).

  
“Alright, well, if you’re both done arguing. It was fine, Mom. Now, can you guys not yell? Because my head still hurts like hell and I think you’re freaking out Evan” he explained, laying back in his bed with a huff. He felt all of their eyes shift so they could look at him, making him shrink in his spot. He wasn’t exactly lying, the day hadn’t been bad. Dr. Woods had him starting this thing, where he would rate the day on a scale of one to ten. He decided the day was at about a six. He hadn’t done much aside from watching TV and having another therapy appointment, which had been interesting to say the least.

  
He figured if he was going to have to stick with her, he should give Dr. Woods a shot. He had only planned to open up a bit, telling her about his rough relationship with Zoe and how he didn’t really talk to anyone at school. Yet once he started talking, everything just kind of came out. It was embarrassing, really. He had to ask her to stay a couple more minutes just to help him stop crying. He was sure his face was still red and splotchy, but luckily no one had commented on it yet.

  
The time passed by slowly, no one really saying anything. No matter how much he hated the silence, he was a bit grateful for it. When his parents had asked to meet Evan, he was dreading what they would ask him about. His mom would probably ask him everything about his whole life, Larry would probably assume he was a drug dealer and berate him for that, Zoe probably wouldn’t say anything because she hated him and wanted nothing to do with anyone he knew.

  
While they sat, Evan bounced his leg up and down quickly. Connor wanted to yell, tell him it was obnoxious, but he didn’t want to ruin whatever they had going. Instead, he just gave him a look. It wasn’t a harsh one by any means, just a simple look like, _hey, I get it, but maybe stop? Please?_ At least, he hoped that’s what the look seemed like. When Evan looked up from the floor and met his eyes, he watched as the boy went red in the face and stopped quickly. Honestly, he didn’t know why he never talked to him before. He seemed nice.

  
“How come we’ve never met you before, sweetheart?” Cynthia asked, breaking the silence.

  
Right, the fucking letter.

  
“O- Oh! It’s just, I mean, I’m kind of um... easily scared? I guess. So Connor didn’t want to o- overwhelm me?” Evan stuttered out quickly.

  
He was surprised that his mom seemed to believe him so easily. The kid was obviously lying! Though, maybe only he could tell since he’s known him since grade school. Or, not exactly known him, but knew of him. He had watched the boy gradually build up a wall throughout the years, closing almost everyone out. At first, he hadn’t understood why, but when he began to do the same he guessed he could understand at least a bit.

  
“Mom, seriously, don’t interrogate him” he said, rolling his eyes.

  
“I’m not interrogating, Connor! I just want to know why he’s never come over before. Evan seems like a sweet kid!”

  
“Can we not do this right now? I’m sure him and Jared don’t feel like spending all day in a hospital room,”

  
“I dunno, man. Neither of us really have much else to do” Jared added in, shrugging. Connor made sure to send him an obvious glare to get across that he shouldn’t have said that.

  
“Well then you two should stay for dinner!”

  
He sent both boys pleading looks. He couldn’t have them do that. It was bad enough they were already there right then. Staying for dinner? Dinner was a war zone in their family. Larry would ask questions to purposefully fire him up, Zoe would make passive-aggressive comments and Cynthia would try and fail to diffuse the situation. Jared caught his look, nodding.

  
“Sorry Mrs. Murphy, but I already promised the girls Evan would be over for dinner tonight” Jared explained, Connor sighing as his body released its tension.

  
“The girls?” Larry questioned.

  
“J- Jared’s moms? Lisa a- and Angela,” Evan explained. Connor recalled meeting them once in sixth grade during a field trip. They had been some of the nicest people there, giving them some freedom and making sure all of the class had fun.

  
He looked over to Larry, watching as he went through a series of expressions. He clenched his jaw, ready to flip if he said anything. Luckily, no derogatory remarks were made, and so Connor allowed himself to relax ever so slightly.

  
“Well how about you two have dinner with us when Connor is let out? Only three more days!” Cynthia exclaimed. He watched Jared and Evan exchange a look, both of them nodding and promising they would make sure to come. He sighed, supposing he would have to bring it up with Dr. Woods. Eventually, his parents had decided they would go and get coffees or little goodies for anyone if they wanted something (Evan and Jared declined, Zoe asked for a strawberry banana smoothie and he asked for a Vanilla Bean coolatta because they’re fucking good) before leaving the teens in the room.

  
“Sooo...” Zoe began.

  
“Sooo..?” he inquired, raising an eyebrow.

  
“Okay, I knew _you_ were gay. That was pretty obvious,” she stated, Connor flipping her off. “but I didn’t think Evan was? And I didn’t expect you two to get together-”

  
“Are you done yet?” Connor asked blatantly, effectively cutting her off. She gave him a confused look, causing him to roll his eyes. “We’re not dating. Right, Evan?” Evan jumped in his seat, surprised.

  
“Oh! Y- Yeah, right. Silly, huh? I- I mean, us? Pssh, n- no...” he responded, trailing off as Jared snickered in the back. He eyed Evan curiously, trying to figure out why he seemed so uncomfortable with confirming his statement.

  
“Don’t tell me you’re like... really against gay rights or something. Because that would suck ass, and I would have to make you leave the room if you did” Connor explained slowly.

  
“Me? I- _no,_ of course I- I’m not like that! I’m going to Jared’s? W- With his gay moms? I— that doesn’t even- of course I support g- gay rights! I’m _bi!_ ” Evan exclaimed, obviously hurt by the accusation. Well, now he knew his pinning wouldn’t be entirely hopeless, at least he wasn’t some kid with a fragile masculinity who called people gay as an insult. No one in the room tried to break the silence. They all sat, awkwardly waiting around until Jared’s phone starting ringing.

  
“Is that— did your phone just fucking _rick roll_ us?”

  
“Fuck you, Connor. This is my Mums shit!” he responded, quickly going into the hall and answering the phone. After a couple of minutes, he walked back in, declaring him and Evan had to head out. He called out a quick goodbye, Zoe doing the same as the two exited the room. Once they were gone, it was back to silence. Though, this one wasn’t as tense. He looked to Zoe, watching her scroll through her phone silently.

  
They hadn’t been close in years. Not since he started changing and not since she decided she couldn’t keep up with it anymore. For a while she had tried. In fact, it seemed like she was the only one who had sometimes. But then, like everyone else, she stopped. He knew it was his fault. It was difficult, and he knew it was stupid, but he didn’t want her to have to deal with him. At first, he didn’t yell or threaten her, he just started to detach himself. Once she had given up, she would start calling him names with her friends. That’s when he began to turn against her. It wasn’t that he wanted to, he had just been hurt. He wanted nothing more some nights than to go up to her and tell her how stupid they’re arguments were and that he just wanted them to stop, but he knew it was too late. He sighed, picking at his chipping nail polish as they waited.

  
“You know, I could paint your nails for you tomorrow if you wanted” Zoe began, startling him. He looked up at her, a cautious expression gracing his features. “You like black polish, right? Or do you want to change it up? Wouldn’t it be great to see dads expression if we painted them the colors of the rainbow?!”

  
“What- I- no! No rainbow, Jesus Christ,” he mumbled, shaking his head. Sighing, he continued. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do. I don’t know if this is your way of trying to tell me you’re supporting me or whatever, but just... don’t be weird? I can paint them on my own, it’s not a big deal” he finished, shrugging. He heard her sigh, and looking up he was surprised to see her with a tired expression.

  
“Can we just do this? This once? Like old times, remember? You used to come into my room and paint my nails all the time. Every girl at school thought they looked great, and I always told them that you painted them” she smiled a bit, her expression softening. “God, Con. Every girl in my grade was ready to pay you to do their nails, but I knew you didn’t want that. Plus, I guess I wanted to keep you to myself at the time. Which is super selfish, right? I just...” she sighed, looking up at the ceiling with her eyebrows knit together while she thought. “Want to forget the last couple of years for a bit. Let me do this, okay? Then we can go back to hating each other or whatever you want. But just this once, let me have this” she pleaded, looking over at him quietly. Slowly, he nodded, looking down at his lap.

  
“Yeah. We can... I’d like that” he said quietly, trying to hide his small smile. Maybe today was more of a seven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s me, back at it with a ton of italics again!  
> This chapter took me longer than planned to write, but if I’m honest I’m kind of going into a depressive spiral. Gonna have to hit up my girl Beth on Wednesday and be like “well have I ever got some tea to spill.”  
> All jokes about my relationship with my therapist aside, enjoy! Feel free to leave comments about your opinion on the story! It might not seem like it, but they help a ton for motivation.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe decides to visit Connor alone and they have some sibling time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In honor of it being Laura’s last day (happy trails to her! I can’t wait to see what she does next), I decided to write a chapter in Zoe’s perspective to post. As in yes, I did write this in a few hours because Laura Dreyfuss is one of my favorite musical actors and I’m v upset that she’s leaving the cast.

A day had passed and Zoe has decided she wanted to go visit Connor on her own. She knew her mom wouldn’t be there since she had visited in the morning due to her afternoon plans, and she knew she had no worries of running into her dad because of his weird fear of visiting alone. So, she was getting out of her car and walking into the hospital with nail polish, polish remover, a nail file and a sketch pad. Walking in, she didn’t feel the need to greet anyone, going straight to the room. Gently, she knocked on the door.

  
“Hey dick-wad, it’s Zoe. Can I come in?”

  
Instead of a verbal response, the door was opened by Mrs. Hansen. She went to let out a quick apology, but the older women shook her head, saying it was okay. Politely, Heidi walked out of the room, leaving the two siblings alone. Zoe placed her bag down, debating about where she should sit until Connor pat the spot next to him on the bed. She looked at him, trying to figure out if he was absolutely sure. He shrugged, scooting over so there was enough space for her. Letting out a small sigh, she sat next to him, legs crossed.

  
Truth be told, Zoe wasn’t good at conversing. Maybe she was at school, maybe she could smile through a conversation and maybe she knew when to place in a necessary laugh. In reality though? She didn’t know where to start, especially with Connor. Growing up, the two were inseparable. Since they were so close in age, they were going through the same phases at the same time. She wasn’t sure exactly where it all ended, but she didn’t want to think about it.

  
Sitting next to her brother on the hospital bed, she couldn’t help but feel nostalgic. When they were small, if Zoe was upset, he would come into her room, sit on her bed and read to her until she felt better. Now, she couldn’t help but feel as though their positions had changed. Her brother was hurting in ways that she could never begin to imagine, and she was sitting on his bed trying to figure out how to fix it. There were a million things she wanted to tell him, a million different reassuring words she wanted to share. Yet still, she reached into her purse and pulled out the stuff for his nails, holding it out as an offering.  
He looked at one bottle of polish in particular, eye brow raised in question. She smiled, turning it over in her hand. Looking through her collection of polishes, she had found a compromise to her suggestion the day prior.

  
“You know how I was saying it would be funny to paint your nails the colors of the rainbow?” she asked, pulling out her phone. He nodded, curiosity evident on his face. Turning on her phone, she switched on the flashlight, shining it directly on the polish. “I bought this a while back, found it on some website. It’s called ‘holographic’. I bought it because— well, it made me think of you? It was uh... gonna be your birthday present, actually. But I figured I could just get you something else later,” she explained, shrugging.

  
“You... got me a present?”

  
“Well- yeah? Unless you don’t like it. We don’t have to use it—” Connor cut her off, putting his hand on top of hers gently.

  
“We can use it.”

  
To say Connor and Zoe had a difficult relationship would be an understatement. She only would’ve used difficult when he first started distancing himself in elementary school. Now? She wasn’t even sure what to refer to it as. In all honestly, she wanted to scream at him. She wanted to yell at him and tell him how if he had just talked to her or anyone he wouldn’t be sitting in a hospital bed for the last three days. She wanted to scream, cry and then hug him until it was all better like they were ten and nine years old all over again. Instead, she opened the nail polish remover and started to take off what little was left on his nails.

  
While she was working on the task at hand, she let him listen to music on her phone. She hadn’t really planned on it originally, so her headphones were left in her car. He had turned her down when she offered to go get them, saying it was alright. She thought for sure he listened to emo shit, in fact, she _knew_ he did. More often than not she could hear it blasting from his bedroom at night (she decided not to think about how without his music the past few nights all she could hear was her parents arguing). So when he started playing her music, saying she was surprised wouldn’t do justice to how shocked she felt.

  
After all the old polish was gone, she began painting on the new one with gentle strokes. When they were small, maybe around early middle school, Connor had told her it was relaxing to him. Whether he be the one receiving the manicure or if he was the one giving it, it was something effortless for him to put his mind to. He had also revealed a sketchbook to her that day, saying if he wanted something more difficult he would go into it and draw for hours. One day, on the bus after school, he showed her a sketch that he had been making of her with her guitar. Once he finished the drawing, he had ended up giving it to her. To this day, she still had it in her desk drawer as a reminder of the good times between the two.

  
Once she finished the first hand, she moved onto his other. Humming along to the music quietly, she gently held his hand in hers and painted away. It was therapeutic in a strange sense, doing such a minuscule task. She worked mechanically, painting and making sure to avoid the cuticle before sealing it in with a quick drying top coat. Once she was all finished, she screwed the cap back on before placing it into her bag. Hesitantly, she pulled the drawing materials out of her bag and placed them onto Connors lap. He looked at them questioningly, blowing on his nails to help them dry quicker.

  
“Maybe it’s stupid, but I remember you telling me you liked to draw. It helped to calm you down. I dunno,” she shrugged, sighing gently. “I found that on your desk and grabbed some pencils before I could second guess myself. I can put them back if you want,” she suggested. He shook his head, flipping through the pages.

  
“You know, I usually draw in this when I’m high” he began, causing her to roll her eyes. “I draw out all the shit that comes to my head. Maybe I can start drawing when I’m... not. High, that is. You know?” He asked, staring at her. She nodded, turning her body towards his. “Dr. Woods said I needed an outlet that wasn’t self destructing.”

  
“So no more pot?”

  
“Well... yeah, no more pot. Among other things...” he trailed off, shaking his head. “Whatever. Thanks,” he mumbled, placing the book on the bedside table.

  
There were a lot of things that Zoe had reflected upon within the last few days after her brothers attempt. One thing that had been on her mind every day had been repairing their relationship. She knew that Connor wouldn’t initiate it, and she had been telling herself it’s not because he didn’t want to. She knew he had his own issues to work out first, and she was trying to let him take care of himself first. However, she wasn’t letting him go through it all alone this time.

  
“Hey, Connor?” she started, voice soft.

  
“Hm?”

  
“I...” taking a deep breath, she tried to maintain eye contact with him. “This. Us. I’m not letting it go to shit again. Today was a good day, and I can’t let it go back. For your sake, for moms, for dads, for my sake. I won’t let you push me away again, I can’t” she said. “No one's saying you need fixing. We’re not saying your a toy that we piece back together, Connor. You’re a person- for fucks sake, your my brother! God- how could you just-” she choked back a sob, looking down at her lap. “I wanted to hate you, Connor. I wanted to hate you for everything you said and did to me but I still can’t. I’m so sick of this bullshit that we put each other through! I just want to go back!”

  
She felt gentle arms wrap around her and she leaned forward, crying onto his shoulder. For years, she had let it all build up. Almost seven full years. Finally, after so long, she felt like she could let it out. All the anger, all the sadness, all the frustration. So she did. She cried, and cried, and cried until she was just hiccuping and clenching her brothers hospital gown in her shaking hands. She hadn’t even noticed, but he was rubbing her back the entire time, whispering soft words to her as tears fell down his own face.

  
“I... I’ll try. For you. Maybe even mom too. But Zo, you know I can’t promise anything for dad...”

  
“No no! I know, I know, but _please-_ ”

  
“I will. I’m... I’m sorry.”

  
They had cried together for a while. Both knew it wouldn’t fix everything, but they knew it was a start. It was a promise for them to improve.

  
After an almost three hour long visit (they had watched TV together for a while), Zoe started to get up to head home. She could see some fear go into Connors eyes, a look she wasn’t sure she had even seen on him, and immediately promised to come visit again as soon as she could. He nodded, waving to her as she walked out of the room.

  
“Hey, Zoe?”

  
“Yeah?”

  
“I love you.”

  
She stopped, halfway out the door, and turned around. He was playing with a loose thread on the blanket, hair in front of his face. She smiled warmly.

  
“Love you too, Con. Get some sleep.”

  
She drove home in silence. No music, no humming, no singing, no talking, just silence. But it was a welcomed one. For a long time, silence had been something that Zoe feared. It meant that someone would burst and it would be sudden and terrifying. She had always tried to cover the silence which was evidently how she had come to love music. Yet, after everything she and her brother had just gone through, she felt it was necessary.

  
When she pulled into the driveway, she noted that her mom had come back from whatever activities she had that day. Next to her car was her dads. Parking her own, she stepped out, grabbing her bag and heading inside. Announcing that she was home, she was surprised to find her parents watching TV together on the couch. No yelling. Just... sitting. Her mom waved her over, beckoning her to join them. Normally, she would say she had other things to do. Today, she found herself sitting on the floor in front of them, hugging a pillow.

  
They all sat together quietly, nobody having anything to say. Zoe watched the commercials mindlessly, laughing whenever she found something funny (those damn Bernie and Phyls commercials. Where did they even come up with those weird clips?). Eventually, she felt her mom shift behind her. She turned around, looking to see if her mom needed anything. She was surprised when she found her mom staring at her.

  
“Did you have fun at your friends house, sweetie?”

  
Right. She said she was going to a friends so no one would bother her and Connor. Slowly, she nodded.

  
“Yeah. It was really nice, mom. I think I’ll go again tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s really nothing to say? Just a huge thank you to everyone who’s read, commented and left a kudo on this fic. Feel free to continue doing so! Reading your comments makes me super happy and I love hearing things you like so far. It gives me ideas for future chapters :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has a slow morning, neglecting to realize that Connor is released after five days in the hospital tomorrow. Good thing Jared can drive him to school and remind him!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ironic fact that I thought would be funny to mention; my therapist actually had me write a letter as an assignment. I guess it’s a good thing School hasn’t started and I’m only a junior or else like,,, yikes. My anxiety would be screwing with me big time.
> 
> This is an edit but MLB actually flipped through the notebook when I asked him to sign it what are the odds

Evan felt warm. He would blame the weather but something about it just felt... off. He tried to open his eyes, but everything remained dark. The boy thought hard, trying to come up with a logical explanation. Was he kidnapped? Feeling around, he eliminated that option. He knew he was in his room. Going to sit up, he felt something- or,  _ someone. _

_  
_ He was definitely sitting on someone’s boner. The weirdest bit? He didn’t even mind.

  
Shifting, he felt the other person rest their head on his shoulder, kissing lazily over his neck. He bit his lip to hold in the obscene noises that threatened to escape otherwise. A low groan sounded next to his ear, causing a small whimper to form in his throat. 

  
“ _ Don’t hold back, baby. _ ” 

  
“W- Wait, what?!”

  
Sitting up suddenly, his head began to spin as he finally took in his surroundings. Okay, so it was a dream. A wet dream. A ‘nocturnal emission’ as it had been called in health class. A pretty hot one, might he add.

  
Or not. Because why would he find a wet dream hot? Especially when he didn’t see any of it? Groaning, he laid back in his bed. This was bad. Very, very bad. Wet dreams were normal for people his age, he knew that. The voice in the dream though? Far from normal. He couldn’t believe himself. He ran his hand through his greasy hair, frowning at the gross texture.

  
He seriously just had a wet dream about Connor Murphy. 

  
The worst part was, waking up after, he still had a hard-on. And it was uncomfortable. He frowned, getting up and rubbing his eyes. Making his way to the bathroom, he peeled off his now very sweaty night clothes. If he thought things before were complicated, then now it was all a disaster. 

  
Feelings were something Evan generally tried to avoid. They weren’t his cup of tea, not his favorite thing to deal with. Easier said than done, though, since he was an open book and overflowed with emotions. Didn’t stop him from trying. Sometimes, he was successful too. Sighing, he made his way into the shower. Having crushes was another thing Evan tried to avoid, because when he got one he got it bad. Which was how he had been crushing on Zoe Murphy since sophomore year when she entered the school as a very, very pretty freshman. Jared had teased him for it relentlessly, saying how he just couldn’t believe he could possibly like the school stoners baby sister.

  
Well, now he might like Connor, so how ‘bout that?

Shaking his head, he finished up washing off and cleaning up before slipping back into his room to get dressed. As stupid as it sounded, picking out clothes always got Evan freaked out. He never knew if it was too bright or too dark, never knew what was appropriate or cool anymore. He had brought up the issue with Dr. Sherman back in sophomore year, and he had suggested that he should lay out clothes the night before so he would have more time in the morning to get ready. Also suggested picking out a style and sticking to it. Sighing, he looked down at his khakis and polo shirt.

  
Evan liked simplistic things. Didn’t like anything too flashy or stuff that would make him stand out in a crowd, so really, his usual wardrobe was perfect. Yet looking down at the outfit, it felt... boring. Predictable. Left him yearning for something else. Checking the time, he felt a small bit of reassurance. He still had at least forty minutes until he had to get outside for Jared to drive him to school, so picking out a different outfit couldn’t cause too much harm, right?

  
Smiling, he started to look through his dresser. When he had gotten his internship over the summer, his mom had insisted on taking him shopping as a celebration of sorts. Truthfully, he just wanted to watch TV with her and have a calm day to celebrate, but when he had seen the look of hope in her eyes he couldn’t say no. So, they had spent hours of a day together in a small clothing shop in the center of town.

  
Collectively, the two had agreed on a few items that Evan could see himself possibly wearing in the future. They had gotten four different pairs of jeans, two pairs of gym shorts and a handful of graphic tees. When they had been picking up the items, he had felt beyond guilty and dreaded seeing the price ring up at the register. After finally looking at the grand total, he was beyond relieved to only see the items ring up to about eighty dollars. For the amount of clothing they had picked out, eighty wasn’t so bad. 

  
In the end, after some arguing, his mom had finally given in to letting him split the cost with her. After all, he had nothing else to do with his money besides paying his phone bill and occasionally ordering stuff online (maybe buying the occasional plant). Once they had gotten home, he folded up all the clothes neatly and put them into his dresser. Now, looking down at the items, he began to mix and match in his head.

Without overthinking too much, he picked his favorite pair of jeans out of the pile. They were just a light washed pair of blue ones. Not too tight, not too loose. Frowning, he turned to the shirts. He ruled the blue one out due to the fact that he wears the color so often. Ruling out a couple of others that he usually kept to weekend clothing, he was left with two. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes, shuffling them around for a bit and then picking one up. Opening his eyes again, he nodded.

  
It was a black shirt with the friends logo on it. During middle school, before his mom had started up school again and so she only worked the day shift, they had binged the show together. Smiling, he put on the clothes (of course he stuck to his normal new balance sneakers. He didn’t exactly have any other options). Checking the time, he made his way to the kitchen, grabbing an apple and granola bar for lunch. He opted to skip breakfast, not really feeling hungry. Just as he opened the door, he was welcomed by the loud horn of Jared’s car, making him jump in his spot.

  
“C’mon, Evan!” Jared shouted, waving him over. Fumbling with the keys, Evan locked the door and awkwardly jogged to the car. Getting in, he buckled up quickly and kept his bag in his lap. Jared turned to him, raising an eyebrow.

  
“I— um, is... is something wrong? D- Do I have something in my teeth?” he questioned, fidgeting in his seat. 

  
“Nothing in your teeth, no. Just didn’t know you owned anything other than those goddamn khakis. Nice of you to keep the shoes, though. Keeps the whole ‘laid back dad’ aesthetic you’ve got going,” Jared responded, backing out of the driveway. 

  
“A- At least I don’t listen to  _ Cats _ ,” he teased, gesturing to the radio and smiling. 

  
“Well mc-fuckin-scuse you, Mister Hansen. Just because you have horrible taste in shows-”

  
“Wh— Mean Girls isn’t a knock off of Heathers!” he interrupted, crossing his arms defensively.

  
“-doesn’t mean my taste is shit. Which, may I add, them casting Barrett Wilbert Weed was definitely a way to get people like you to believe that. Fuck you, Heathers is the OG.”

Rolling his eyes, Evan decided to just give up on the conversation. Ever since Jared had joined the lighting crew at their school for productions, he had gotten a big head about shows. Of course, he did actually know more than him about productions, but he didn’t have to be so mean about it.

  
Sighing, he began watching all the houses pass by as they drove. He could never quite explain it, but something about looking out the window in a car is always so calming. Really, looking outside was calming in general. That’s why whenever he got too anxious he would go on a small walk to calm down. Of course, last time he did that...

  
He shook his head. Not time for negative thoughts. Plus, Connor was better now. He bit his lip, furrowing his brows as he began to get lost in thought. Really, what if Connor wasn’t better? What if he wasn’t telling the hospital staff? His mom was pretty good about telling when he was lying, but what if she couldn’t read Connor as easily? They could release him and he would try all over.

  
The thing was, he didn’t even know why he cared so much. He couldn’t even pin point why he started calling it a “crush”. Of course Evan was concerned for his health in general, it would be horrible if he didn’t. He cares about everyone’s safety and he doesn’t want anyone to fall down the same hole he did. But something about the older Murphy child was almost captivating.

  
A few days ago, if anyone had asked, he would’ve said he was intimated by Connor. Not scared, but intimidated. He wouldn’t approach the boy outside of class unless absolutely necessary. 

  
Well, he wouldn’t approach almost anyone at that school outside of class, but that’s not the point.

Now, after everything’s that’s happened, he felt a strange sort of connection to Connor. Yet for some reason, it almost felt like he shouldn’t. It felt as though he was intruding into this poor boys life and he should be leaving him alone. But Connor Murphy was like a magnet, and he kept pulling him in. Groaning in frustration, he put his head on the window to cool off.

  
“Jesus, Evan. Save the noises for edgy Murphy, would you? He gets out tomorrow anyways, you guys will have time” Jared teased. 

  
“Um- well, one. Edgy Murphy?” he questioned.

  
“Gotta be able to tell him and smaller Murphy apart” Jared responded, as though it was an obvious fact.

  
“They uh— they have first names. So, you could just use those? B- But! I’m not with Connor? And he even said so. So, like... stop? We’re not gonna do that. Okay?” 

  
Turning his head, the only response he got was a small shrug.

“Jared, seriously. It’s not funny,” he mumbled. “It’s just... I dunno. I feel like I’m being annoying to him and his family, right? And it’s just awful because I don’t want to bother them. Let’s just... be normal, y’know? Not ruin everything for them. I already feel bad enough for what happened.”

  
For a couple seconds, the car was silent. Once Jared pulled into a parking space and turned off the car, he turned to the taller boy. Evan bit his lip, anxiously awaiting his response. He knew Jared wasn’t about the whole sympathetic thing and he wasn’t the most serious person. For once though, he hoped maybe he would be.

  
“You’re not annoying the Murphy’s. Trust me, if Connor didn’t want you there, he would’ve made that clear to his family. They literally seem like they love you, Ev. Zoe’s being casual around you, Mrs. Murphy is having a party seeing that her son is actually talking to people, and Mr. Murphy is...” he trailed off. Evan gave him a hard look, and he shook his head. “Fine, you got me there. But he doesn’t  _ hate _ you. He just seems overwhelmed at the situation” he shrugged, opening the door and getting his bag from the back. Both of them began walking towards the school, surrounded by the mass of the student body.

Once they were inside, they both went to their lockers. A couple minutes later, after they had the necessary items for the day, the began to walk to first period. For some reason, Jared had always been adamant on walking him to his class at the start of the day. When the bell rang, Evan went to open the locker room door, but before he could he felt an arm on his shoulder. Turning, he saw that Jared had a soft expression on his face. An expression he didn’t really see him wearing much anymore.

  
“You won’t ruin shit for that family. If anything, they seem like they could use some help healing. And honestly? I think you could be that help if you let yourself be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, finally I updated. I feel like this is a decent chapter!
> 
> Also, anyone remember when I said I was going to NYC??? Guess where I am now?!
> 
> Well, technically I’m actually in Jersey right now. But literally I can see the city from my hotel room... it’s actually really fuckin cool.
> 
> My therapist recommended a diner to go to where people will sing theatre songs so I’m going there tomorrow and I think my mom is going to go to signature theatre and see if we can get any tickets at the door (I’ve been doing research and an hour before the show they’ll sell any left over tickets!) I told her the plot of BMC and she didn’t seem to mind! Regardless, I told her I wanted to go and get my copy of the book signed because honestly I love the story and Ned Vizzini’s writing in general.
> 
> I guess another thing is I might go to the DEH stagedoor? Definitely can’t see the show becuse like,,, my parents work at grocery stores??? And they’re divorced??? So yeah, we don’t exactly have a ton of money lmao.
> 
> Sorry for updating this story really late? I’ll try to get the next chapter out sooner since I don’t have therapy this week or anything. Idk, I think my mom wants to go to Martha’s Vineyard and DC too so it might be a busy week between that and going to my dads.
> 
> Also, I kind of need to be aware of my mental health. My therapist said I have anxiety, minor depression and PTSD so like... yeah. My head is kind of a mess. Oops
> 
> Sorry for rambling. Enjoy?
> 
> And before I forget! Thank you for over 100 kudos!! That is mind blowing to me!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Connor is screaming and Evan and Zoe can’t figure out why (spoiler, it’s because the small tree lover is adorable with his dorky emoticons).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Writing a dialogue heavy chapter?? Obviously very likely

Evan had slept over the Kleinman’s house that night. It wasn’t that he had originally planned to, but Jared had invited him, and he couldn’t say no. That would’ve been rude. So, he said yes, and now he was stretching as he woke up the next morning in an air mattress on the floor.

  
For whatever reason, people had this misconception that Evan was this big morning person. He wasn’t. In fact, he was very far from it. He liked to stay up late into the night and listen to the sounds of crickets and frogs. Not to say he didn’t like the singing of the birds in the morning, but something about the night felt a lot more calming to him. He figured it was probably the lack of people out and about.

  
Yawning, he got up from the mattress and allowed some of his bones to crack. Smiling in satisfaction, he looked into the mirror above Jared’s dresser. Another thing that people didn’t realize was Evans complicated relationship with his self image. Looking at his reflection, he knew he wasn’t unattractive. He also realized that there was a lot about his body he wouldn’t mind changing.

  
Shaking his head, he ran a hand through his hair. It had been a while since he last got it cut, and the curls were definitely becoming a chore to tame. Going through his bag of stuff that he packed before leaving his house, he realized he had forgotten one thing. Hair gel.

  
So, it was a curly-hair kind of day. 

  
Cool.

  
He worked mechanically. Shower, dry off, brush teeth, get dressed for the day, go back to Jared's room and wake him up before he misses breakfast because Lisa made pancakes and Jared will be upset if he doesn’t get any. Just a normal day after sleeping over at the Kleinman’s.

  
“It’s too early. Jared isn’t here right now,” the shorter boy groaned, covering his face with a pillow as light flooded in through the windows. Evan rolled his eyes, taking the pillow away.

  
“Your mom made pancakes” he stated, not wanting to have to deal with a fussy Jared. The other boy opened one eye, looking at him quizzically.

  
“Mum or Ma?” he questioned.

  
“Your mum.”

  
“Fuck yeah!” Jared exclaimed, pushing past him excitedly before racing to the kitchen. “Move outta the way, Oreo! I have pancakes to eat you fat sack of fur!”

  
“ _ Jared William! _ ”

  
“What?! She  _ is _ fat!”

  
“Don’t fat shame the cat!”

  
Evan snorted, going to grab two pancakes and a cup of orange juice. Mornings with Jared and his moms were always something else.

 

 

  
Around two in the afternoon when Evan was watching some vine compilations with Jared, he came to a sudden realization.

  
“Oh my god we have to go to the Murphy’s tonight!” he shouted, flinching when he saw Oreo jump off of Jared’s lap and run away.

  
“Yeah, so? I thought that was already established.”

  
“No, Jared— I look stupid! I’m wearing a graphic t-shirt and shorts and I didn’t style my hair today or anything and—”

  
“Okay, hold on. Ouch? You literally just described my day-to-day appearance, asshole” Jared stated, gesturing to his outfit. Evan opened his mouth to respond, closing it after deciding nothing good would come from answering. “Also, who cares? It’s not like we have to impress anyone.”

  
“They’re rich? And rich people can practically smell poor people. They’re gonna sense it like a hound dog or something and then hate me!”

  
“They’ve literally already seen both you and your mom. I think if they cared they would’ve taken back the invitation by now” Jared said, shrugging. “Anyways, they invited both of us. More people get red flags to ‘gay moms’ than ‘no money’, and they’re still letting me come over” he explained. “Now, stop your sweating and help me find my little princess that you so rudely scared away.”

  
Evan took a deep breath, wiping his palms onto his pants. In for one, two, three, four, hold for one, two, three, four-

  
“Dude, stop hyperventilating“ Jared cut in, fixing him with a weird look.

  
“What? I’m— I’m not hyperventilating?”

  
“You’re having considerable trouble breathing.”

  
“Jared, I’m having no trouble breathing-”

  
“Do you need a paper bag?” Jared questioned, getting up to head to the kitchen.

  
“I’m not hyperventilating!” he whined, crossing his arms and pouting. “I was just  _ breathing. _ Because people need to breathe to survive? Just... go find Oreo.”

  
In all honesty, he had been slightly hyperventilating. The thought of going to the Murphy’s was freaking him out big time for multiple reasons. Firstly, Connor was being released today, and he had no clue how that went. Secondly, both of his crushes would be in the same room and he would have to deal with them an entire meal. Thirdly, he had no idea where they lived.

  
He could easily fix the last one by texting either of the siblings and asking. The more he thought about it, he should probably ask what’s for dinner while he’s at it. He hoped to god no one was planning on making pork, because that would just be awkward.

  
“Jesus, Hansen. Are you on your period of something?” Jared huffed, leaving to search for the small calico.

  
“That’s highly offensive!” he shouted after him, pulling out his phone.

Now, who to text. 

  
He could obviously message Zoe. They had actually been talking every now and again over the past couple of days and it was nice! She had a really witty sense of humor, and it always put a smile on his face. While it made sense to text Zoe, he couldn’t help but feel as though he should message Connor. The boy had just been released after a suicide attempt, and he wanted to make sure he knew people were happy to see him getting better outside of just his family. Frowning, he decided to make a risky move.

  
_ You’ve added Zoe M. and Connor M. to a group chat!  _

_   
_ E: Hey! Quick question?

  
Z: Yeah?

  
E: What’s your address for tonight? Totally forgot to ask haha

  
Z: Let me send you it over google maps so you can have directions :)

  
_ Zoe M. sent her location. _

_   
_ E: Thanks, Zo!

  
C: Ew stop flirting while im in the chat

Evan sputtered, face turning bright red. 

  
E: I wasn’t flirting?? 

  
E: and hi, Connor!

  
Z: There was no flirting in there, shit face. Also, get your ass in my room. We need to talk.

  
Evan frowned, watching the siblings text back and forth. That was something he had noticed about Zoe recently. At school, she was very kind and preppy in a way. Whenever he saw her she was wearing a smile and would talk to anyone if they came up to her. Around family, she seemed significantly more angry. Like she had pent up emotions that she wasn’t letting out around them. In a way, it really worried him.

  
C: were talking rn

  
Z: Connor!

  
C: zoe!

  
Z: God, you’re so insufferable sometimes! I’m coming to your room.

  
C: not like i can stop you since i no longer have a fucking door

  
E: Not to intrude... but do you always use improper grammar while texting? I just found it to be a funny detail is all. Kind of like a fun quirk?

  
C: ...

  
Z: ...

  
He sucked in a breath, the air catching in his throat. He felt like an absolute idiot for writing that.  _ Stupid! _

_   
_ E: Sorry, that was dumb. Ignore me :P

  
His number one defense mechanism in texting; use dumb emoticons to cover his awkwardness. Seven out of ten times, it was effective. He watched the time at the top of his screen change while he waited for a response. In the first minute, Connor had began typing on three different occasions, erasing them quickly. During the second minute, there was no bubble from either sibling. By the third minute, he saw Zoe begin to type.

  
Z: So Connor just ran into my room like a fucking mess? He’s rambling on and on and I can’t understand him please come over and help me calm him down before my mom comes upstairs and has a heart attack.

  
Evan stared at his screen, his face heating up in embarrassment. 

  
_ Zoe M. is calling you... _

_   
_ Shit!

  
“Um, hey! Is everything okay? I uh-”

  
“He’s laying on my bed and screaming into my pillow. What do I do?” Zoe asked, concern and confusion clear in her voice.

  
“Oh, I-”

  
“Stop exposing me like this!” he heard Connor yell, his voice muffled in the back.

“Stop screaming into my pillow!” Zoe yelled back.

  
He assumed the loud screaming he heard in the back was answer enough to her request.

  
Evan fidgeted in his spot while the two siblings bickered on the other end of the line. Next time he had a question to ask, he would definitely just text them individually. Apparently, group chats were a huge no-no with the Murphy’s. Detail noted and filed away. 

  
“I- If you want Jared and I could maybe come over? Early? Then we can help out? N- Not to be rude and just invite us over! I just— phones? Aren’t my thing?” he said, trying not to freak out over the prospect of interrupting their argument.

  
“Fuck, I forgot you didn’t like talking on the phone” Connor mumbled. He heard the bed squeak and figured Connor had finally sat up. “Yeah, come over early. It should be fine. Right, Zo?”

  
“Sounds good to me. How soon could you be over?”

  
“Oh! Um...” he checked the address, quickly mapping it out in his head. “Fifteen minutes? Twenty tops. I have to get Jared first”

  
“‘Kay. Cool. See you then,” Connor responded.

  
“Connor, give me back my phone!” was all he hard from Zoe before the line went dead.

  
He stared at his phone, a lot of things racing through his head in that moment. One small, minuscule detail stood out to Evan from the short interaction.

  
Connor had remembered he didn’t like talking on the phone.

  
He knew it was stupid to most people, but it was really sweet to him. Most of the time, people (usually Jared) made jokes about things like that. They thought it was funny that he got so overwhelmed on the phone and decided to call him regardless. It was really nice that for once someone remembered and took his feelings into consideration over the matter.

By the time Jared finally gave up on trying to catch Oreo and got back into his room, Evan already had all of his overnight items back in his bag. He grabbed the car keys on the nightstand, tossing them to Jared.

  
“So, remember how I said we had to go to the Murphy’s for dinner still?”

  
“Yeah, I recall you freaking out about that” Jared said, catching the keys and looking at them curiously. “What about it?”

  
“We need to head there now? Connor was being weird and Zoe didn’t know why? So, yeah. We’re... leaving now, I guess. Grab your stuff.”

Jared shrugged, twirling the key chain and sliding on the shoes by his bedroom door. He smirked, heading to the dresser. Evan gave him a weird look when he opened the bottom drawer, pulling out a small item and tossing it to him. When he looking at the foil package, he threw it to the floor in shock.

  
“Jared!” he exclaimed, red faced and beyond flustered. Jared laughed, wiping a tear from his face.

  
“What? We’re going to the  _ Murphy’s!  _ I don’t know which sibling you’ll be needing it for, but I figured you could use the protection!” he shot back, covering his face when he let out a loud snort.

  
“I don’t— no one needs any condoms! We’re going to dinner!”

  
“It’s for the dessert!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of a fun filler so there’s somewhat of a transition from the last chapter to the dinner scene. I think I might put one more up before then too?? It’ll be one that makes you all very frustrated in me. You’ll know when you see the tags with it, but until then, I’ll leave you all wondering.
> 
> Um, life update for anyone who cares I guess? I got back from NYC last week and I had a blast there and I got to meet the cast of DEH and they were so incredibly kind (especially MLB!! He was such a sweetheart even my mom was saying so too. In her words - “‘of course, of course!’. He seemed nice. What does he do in the show?”)
> 
> I got photos with almost everyone that I met (didn’t get one with Mallory or Phoenix. Also didn’t meet Taylor or JLT) and they signed my notebook! It was super fun!
> 
> Then I got home and I saw my cat and I went to my dads and told him about the trip... he’s thinking of a day trip there and maybe seeing a show and I’m hyp E
> 
> That’s the happy stuff I guess?
> 
> The more heavy stuff is that we saw someone get hit by a car, I didn’t have therapy last week so I’ve been a bit anxious lately and I had to go to a baby shower and get insulted by my grandmother!! Love you too, Nonnie.
> 
> That’s it for a life update??
> 
> I made an Instagram for this account! It’s @just.an.anxious.kid and you can talk to me there or send me writing requests!! :)
> 
> Enjoy the chapter? I hope you like the silliness of it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe finally confides in Connor, and from there everything goes downhill very quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the beginning has a lot of the stuff from the last chapter, but it was important to set the scene for what was to come from Connors perspective. Also, I just thought it would be fun to get Connors take on the events!

As much as Connor didn’t like going home, he wouldn’t deny that he was looking forward to his discharge. The hospital room had felt stuffy and suffocating throughout his stay, and he wanted nothing more than to sleep in his own bed again. Of course, when he had actually gotten home, he had to take deep breaths like Dr. Woods had taught him to avoid throwing a fit when he noticed everyone had gone through his room. 

  
With his frustrations, he had decided to be in his room for a while. At least as a sign that he didn’t want to be talked to at the moment. Of course, the lack of a door couldn’t stop anyone from barging in if they wanted, but he figured his angry expression was warning enough if they tried. 

  
He had been reading on his phone when he first got the message. He quirked his eyebrow, opening the text. Running his hand through his hair, he rolled his eyes and grinned. 

  
_ You’ve been added to a group chat with Zo by Ev! _

_  
_ E: Hey! Quick question?

  
Z: Yeah?

  
E: What’s your address for tonight? Totally forgot to ask haha

  
Z: Let me send you it over google maps so you can have directions :)

  
_ Zo sent her location. _

_  
_ E: Thanks, Zo!

  
God, Evan was seriously the biggest dork he had ever met. He knew it was wrong to tease the boy about his crush on his sister, but a twist in his stomach made him feel like he needed to make a point. 

  
C: ew stop flirting while im in the chat

  
E: I wasn’t flirting?? 

  
E: and hi, Connor!

  
He smiled a bit, beginning to type out a message back and stopping when he saw Zoe’s.

  
Z: There was no flirting in there, shit face. Also, get your ass in my room. We need to talk.

  
He frowned. There was nothing for them to talk about at the moment. Connor had no doubt that she was just trying to get him out of his room out of concern, but he didn’t want to get up. 

  
C: were talking rn

  
Z: Connor!

  
C: zoe!

  
Z: God, you’re so insufferable sometimes! I’m coming to your room.

  
C: not like i can stop you since i no longer have a fucking door

  
With every word, Connor only grew more frustrated. He started to write out an angry message, getting cut off by Evan.

  
E: Not to intrude... but do you always use improper grammar while texting? I just found it to be a funny detail is all. Kind of like a fun quirk?

  
C: ...

  
Z: ...

  
Dear, God.

  
E: Sorry, that was dumb. Ignore me :P

  
_ Jesus Christ. _

He began to type out a message, backspacing over and over until he finally gave up. Standing, he made his way to Zoe’s room. Without bothering to knock on the door (because if he doesn’t get that luxury then she won’t either), he made his way in and began pacing.

  
“Connor, what the fuck? Now you come to my room?”

  
“It’s not fair, Zo! Like— what the hell?! Who even gave anyone the right— it’s like, he just— and then-!” he groaned, flopping onto her bed and covering his face. “I’m too gay for this shit, Zoe. Like, way too gay. Who gave guys the right to be so cute? What the fuck? It shouldn’t be possible!”

  
He turned over, screaming into her pillow in frustration. He could hear Zoe typing away on her phone and only assumed she was going back to passively flirting with Evan. At least now he left his phone in his room and didn’t need to read it all. But, alas, all good things must come to an end, because apparently she decided to call the nerd.

  
“He’s laying on my bed and screaming into my pillow. What do I do?” he heard her ask, causing him to groan and flip her off. 

  
“Stop exposing me like this!” he yelled, face flushed in embarrassment. 

  
“Stop screaming into my pillow!” Zoe yelled back, clearly annoyed with his antics. In retaliation, he screamed a very loud  _ ‘fuck you!’ _ into the pillow.

He heard the desk chair she was occupying move, and looked up to see Zoe glaring daggers at him. She set her phone down, probably putting on the speaker before making her way over to him to bicker. He rolled his eyes, preparing himself for whatever she had to say.

  
“Connor Lawrence Murphy-”

  
“Fuck. You.”

  
“If you don’t quit acting like a five year old, so help me!”

  
“See this?” he motioned to his blank face. “This is my care face. Fuck off.”

  
“It’s my room!”

  
“You told me to come into your room, did you not?!”

  
“I didn’t know you were gonna be an ass!”

  
“I- If you want Jared and I could maybe come over? Early? Then we can help out?” he heard Evan say in the background. He quickly shushed Zoe, listening to what the other boy had to say. 

  
“N- Not to be rude and just invite us over! I just— phones? Aren’t my thing?” he heard him finish, and then he remembered. 

  
“Fuck, I forgot you didn’t like talking on the phone” he mumbled, sitting up and rubbing his temples. “Yeah, come over early. It should be fine. Right, Zo?” he asked, glaring at Zoe. She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms.

  
“Sounds good to me. How soon could you be over?” 

  
“Oh! Um...” he heard Evan trail off and begin tapping at his phone. “Fifteen minutes? Twenty tops. I have to get Jared first”

  
“‘Kay. Cool. See you then,” he responded, grabbing Zoe’s phone to hang up.

  
“Connor, give me back my phone!”

  
“Too late,” he shrugged, tossing it to the bed. “Now if you’re done bitching, why did you need me to come to your room? Or was it just to bitch at me?”

  
“You know what? No. Fuck you, Connor” she replied, giving him a cold look. “I don’t even know why I thought talking to you would be a good idea. I guess you don’t want to try to fix this, after all. Haha, jokes on me, huh? You had me fooled,” she said, rolling her eyes and sitting at her desk again.

  
Connor huffed, trying to calm himself down. He looked down at his nails, thinking to two days prior. Sighing, he bit his lip. Dr. Woods had said mending his family relationships wouldn’t be easy, and he had a feeling that was the understatement of the year.

  
“No, I’m sorry. I was an ass. I do want to fix... um, us? It’s just hard, you know? I am trying though. Just,” he clicked his tongue. Conversing definitely wasn’t one of his strong points. “What’s up?”

Zoe spun her chair around, surveying Connor and searching for any signs of insincerity. When she found none, she sighed, playing with a piece of her hair.

  
“Promise me you won’t laugh?”

  
It was at that moment that Connor knew he was either going to find out something that could be life changing or incredibly stupid. He nodded, trying not to show any signs of panic. He watched as she went through a series of emotions, her face turning red, and oh  _ no. _

_  
_ “I think I might like Evan?”

  
_ Well, fuck. _

_  
_ “It’s just, we’ve been talking a lot the past couple of days and he’s so sweet! Plus he’s definitely not hard on the eyes. He... he always tries to make me smile, you know? It doesn’t hurt that he has a really good sense of humor, too. I just... I don’t know, Connor. What do you think I should do?”

  
He stared at her, trying to think of the right words to say. Connor was glad that Zoe was finally opening up to him, and he was glad that she found someone who made her happy. But Evan? 

  
He would be happy for them, he really would. He could tell that the boy would never do anything to hurt her. There had just been a hope that Evan could be his friend. Someone that chose him for once instead of making him an afterthought.

  
In a way, he knew that way of thinking wasn’t exactly healthy. That he shouldn’t solemnly count on Evan to be by his side whenever he needed him. After all, the boy deserved to have a life outside of Connor, and he didn’t want to restrict him in anyway. It was just a selfish voice in his head telling him that whatever they had was special, that maybe they could even be more than just friends.

  
“Connor?” 

  
He took a deep breath, forcing a small smile.

  
“That’s great, Zo. You should go for it.”

  
When he saw her face light up, he knew he had done the right thing for her. But seriously, had he done the right thing for him?

  
“I’ll say something after dinner then! Hey, earlier, didn’t you mention a cute boy? Who was that all about?”

  
“Oh! That was...” okay, think, Connor! Who could she believe he had a crush on? “That was about Jared!” 

  
That might’ve just been the dumbest thing to ever come out of his mouth.

  
“You like Jared?” she asked, words slow as she gave him a weird look. He nodded, trying to avoid eye contact. “As in Jared Kleinman?”

  
“Do I know any others?” he shot back. She put her hands up defensively, shaking her head.

  
“I was just making sure! But hey, he’s coming over for dinner, too! You should totally ask him out” she reasoned, smiling gleefully in a way that made him feel sick.

  
“Oh, I don’t know...”

  
“Seriously, Connor! He seems alright. Plus if he makes you happy, then why not?”

  
There were plenty of reasons as to why he shouldn’t ask out Jared. One, he didn’t actually like Jared. Two, he likes another boy. Three, the other boy was Evan, and he couldn’t just go out and tell her that because then he’d crush Zoe. 

  
Weighing his options, Connor came up with three options. He could just tell Jared what was going on, that way they didn’t actually have to awkwardly date. Or he could just tell Zoe that he wasn’t ready to date yet so she should would get off his back about the situation. Or, the last option.

  
“Okay, I’ll ask him out” he said, rolling his eyes when Zoe hugged him happily.

  
“That’s great, Con!” she exclaimed.

  
Of course, talk about perfect timing, it was at that moment that the doorbell rang and they knew the two boys had arrived at the house. He stood up, slowly following after Zoe as she made her way down to the stairs to open the door. He was halfway down when he saw it open, revealing the boys on the other side. Jared of course looked like his usual nerdy self, but Evan?

  
That boy would be the death of him.

  
He had seen him in casual clothing before. Jeans and a graphic tee. But today? He never thought the khaki and polo boy could rock shorts and messy hair so well. Those curls? He just wanted to run his hands through his hair and tell him how beautiful he thinks he is-

  
No.

  
He can’t.

  
Zoe likes Evan, Evan likes Zoe, and he can’t ruin that. He would never forgive himself if he did. He needs to fix his relationship with his sister, not make it a million times worse.

So instead of doing anything along those lines, he finished making his way down the stairs and tried to avoid making eye contact so he wouldn’t turn scarlet and throw himself off a bridge. An easy plan, right? Wrong. Because of course, he just had to have the genetics that made him six-fucking-feet tall and so even while looking down, his eyes only caught onto Evan. Fuck whoever decided being tall was a good trait to have. The only good thing about it was that he could leave his weed in high up places and no one else could reach it.

  
“So, because I told my moms we were heading out to a friends for dinner, they insisted that we make a desert. You should both feel  _ blessed, _ ” Jared began, holding out a tray of cookies. “Because my Ma is the best damn baker in the world.”

  
Connor tried to ignore the way Zoe nudged him towards Jared, rolling his eyes and accepting the batch. “Yeah, great. Thanks,” he mumbled, motioning the two boys in and going to place the dessert in the kitchen. 

  
His grip on the tray only tightened when he heard Zoe and Evan talking, both laughing about whatever stupid stuff had been going on at school. It made his stomach twist in an uncomfortable way, and he knew that the night was going to be a long one. He rolled his eyes, scowling as he put the cookies down just a bit too roughly.

  
_ Welcome home. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, yes. Please do not hate me for what I’ve done.
> 
> Honestly? I’ve had the idea for this chapter since I began writing the story in late June. At first, I thought I might just scrap the idea entirely. But as I kept writing and thinking about it I knew I couldn’t pass the opportunity.
> 
> This entire story just got a whole lot messier, didn’t it? 
> 
> Oopsies.
> 
> To the reader “thayoneguy” who always leaves the sweetest comments, I’m sorry to keep you waiting! I promise you Evan and Connor will get together and you will get your dinner scene! 
> 
> And although I have apologized multiple times, I would like to say I regret nothing of this chapter. I feel proud of myself for throwing in this twist. 
> 
> Find me on Instagram @just.an.anxious.kid and talk to me about musicals or send in requests! Hell, we can even go on about our favorite actors! Don’t think I won’t go on about how unbelievably attractive I think Jazzy Jones is. Don’t you doubt me.
> 
> Until then, enjoy the chapter! (Or yell at me about it, both are understandable reactions)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is jealous of Jared, but he can’t even focus on that right now because Zoe’s acting weird and what?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the dinner scene is kind of underwhelming, there will be more at the Murphy’s house in the next chapter!

When Evan and Jared had finally arrived to the Murphy’s, he was glad to see both siblings up and greeting them at the doors. He knew it was rude not to be paying attention to Jared when he spoke, but something about Connors demeanor seemed off. Forced, almost. He didn’t quite catch what he mumbled before storming away, the tray of cookies in his hands.  Sighing, he stepped inside, taking his shoes off and leaving them on the rack by the door.

  
“Oh my god, Ev! You totally look like Benji from pitch perfect with your hair like that!”  Zoe exclaimed, eyes sparkling. He laughed a bit, shaking his head.

  
“Me? God, I’m no Ben Platt. I wish though!”

  
Evan wasn’t sure if he was insane or over-reading the situation, but he swore he saw Zoe’s cheeks turn a slight hue of pink at his small comment. He smiled, deciding to continue.

  
“You know who you look like?”

  
“Oh please do tell, wise one.”

  
“You look like that girl who was in the sixth season of Glee. She was one of the guest stars?”

  
Zoe snorted, looking at him in disbelief. “Me? I look like Laura Dreyfuss to you? I’m not nearly that beautiful!”

  
“No, but you see, you are.” he reasoned, only processing what he had said after he had already said it. He had a feeling that Zoe’s face wasn’t the only one turning a deep scarlet. He took a deep breath, deciding that it was worth the risk. “Actually, I think you’re more beautiful?”

  
Down the hall, he heard a loud cough. He tore his eyes away from the younger Murphy, meeting them instead with the older of the two. He sputtered, trying to say something, or really anything, to save him from the embarrassment of the situation. Connor didn’t even have to say a word, but he had a look, and if Evan knew any better it would’ve sent him scrambling for the door.

  
Unfortunately, he didn’t. 

  
Instead, he tried to be brave and stand his ground. So, he cleared his throat, put on his best smile and waved to the taller boy.

  
“Uh— hey, Connor! Um, welcome home?” he forced out, and he guessed that he must’ve said the wrong thing because the way the other boys face twisted made his heart rate speed up.

  
“Sure, Hansen” he muttered, pushing past him and making his way up the stairs two steps at a time. 

  
Evan was worried about Connor. Of course he had been for the past five days, but even after his discharge he didn’t seem better. In the hospital he had seemed scared, but at home he seemed angry. At this point, he wasn’t sure which was worse.

  
Turning to Zoe, she only shrugged, frowning as she watched him go up to his room. He fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, not really sure what to do or say next. He had a feeling he should follow after the boy, check in on him and ask him what’s wrong. Yet a small voice in the back of his head told him that was a bad choice. That if he tried talking to him at the moment, it would be the first day of school all over again. He bit his lip, waiting for someone else to make the first move.

  
“Awkward timing, but mind pointing me to the bathroom?”

  
He turned to Jared, face blank. The shorter boy shrugged.

  
“Better than holding it in.”

  
“Jared! That’s disgusting!”

  
“Down the hall and to the left of the kitchen. It’s right before the office,” Zoe said, rolling her eyes. Jared nodded, thanking her and making his way to the room. Evan looked at Zoe helplessly, hoping she would say something that they could do. “Hey, Evan? Can I tell you something?”

  
His heart hammered in his chest. Those five words could have so many different meanings behind them. She could tell him that she secretly hated him and that she wants nothing to do with him. She could tell him that his family knows him and Connor weren’t actually friends before the incident and that they’re all disgusted in them for lying. She could say she found out he wrote the letter and that she thinks he’s a disappointment and can’t wait to never talk to him again.

  
Taking a shaky breath, he nodded.

  
“Okay, so, earlier Connor comes into my room, right? And he’s rambling about this cute boy or whatever. So I asked him about it, and he says he likes  _ Jared _ ” she explained, and he was beyond shocked. His expression must have showed it, because she continued. “Exactly! That was my reaction, too! I was like, ‘are you sure?’ and he was like ‘yeah I’m sure!’ and I want him to be  _ happy _ . Please, please,  _ please _ help me get them together? Connor said he would ask him out but he always gets nervous about that stuff,” she said, eyes pleading. 

  
Evan wanted to help the boy out, he really did. But something about the situation felt wrong. He tried to think about it rationally; why did he feel so turned off by the request? Logically, it was probably because of the fact that for the past four years Jared and Connor hadn’t looked at each other without making some kind of snarky comment up until just this past week. Somewhere in the back of his head was telling him that wasn’t the only reason though. That he was almost jealous of Jared. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.

  
“ _ No? _ ”

  
“Wh— no! Oh my god, yes! I mean yes!” he quickly reassured. “Yes I’ll help. Sorry, I just— sorry. Yeah. Of course I’ll help! I just don’t think I understand? I mean, why Jared?”

  
“Why me for what?” Jared asked, making his way back to the other two. Evan shook his head quickly, trying to come up with an excuse. 

  
“Nothing,” Zoe replied. Grabbing Evans hand, she began leading them up the stairs. “You two can wait in my room, I’ll go get Connor.”

  
Evan nodded, staring down at his hand in shock as him and Jared sat and waiting patiently on the floor. He closed his palm tight, holding it for a couple of seconds before opening his hand and turning it over. Looking over at Jared, he was surprised to see that the other boy was looking at him with an equal amount of confusion.

  
“What the hell is up with you and smaller Murphy?” he questioned. Evan tried to ignore the bickering down the hall when he responded.

  
“I- I don’t know? She just— I thought it was just me who thought it was weird! You see it too?”

  
“No way! She keeps staying close to you and smiling at you when you’re not looking. It’s creepy as hell. It kind of reminds me of you!” Jared said, playing with the sand clock on the younger girls desk.

  
“What, you think Zoe  _ likes _ me?” Evan asked, practically having a heart attack when Jared shrugged.

  
“I don’t know! She’s acting like it. What did you do?”

  
“Wh- me? I didn’t ‘do’ anything!” he exclaimed, face heating up. “All I’ve done is text her the past few days and we’ve talked a bit at school! Isn’t that what friends do?”

  
Jared shook his head, rolling his eyes. “Let me see your phone.”

  
“What?! No!”

  
“Evan!”

  
“Why?!”

  
“Just trust me! Jesus Christ, have I ever done shit to hurt you?”

  
“Yes!” he practically shouted. “Literally all the time!”

  
Jared huffed, holding out his hand expectantly. Evan frowned, shoving the phone into his hand. He watched Jared tap away, eyes scanning over the screen as he did whatever it was he was doing. He watched his thumb glide over the glass as he adjusted his glasses. After a solid thirty seconds of silence, he handed the phone back.

  
“ _ Well? _ ”

  
“You’re dense.”

  
Evan rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Jared.”

  
“She’s been flirting with you for the past two days, idiot.”

He opened his mouth to respond, to say that there was no way, but the door to the room slammed open. He jumped in his spot, turning around quickly to see an annoyed Zoe and an angry Connor. Biting his lip, he picked at his cuticles and looked away, trying not to let the situation become any more tense than it already seemed to be. He flinched when Connor sat to his left, anger practically radiating off of him. Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself down.

  
“Hey,” he squeaked out, cringing at his own voice crack. 

  
“Hey” Connor mumbled back. He looked at Zoe nervously and she shrugged as if to say she didn’t know what was wrong either. Sighing, Evan played with the fraying edges of his cast and tried not to be too awkward.

  
“Okay, so a fun Murphy family fact; Mom loves trying new diets. Like the others, the current one sucks. So, what does everyone want to order to bring up here after? Connor and I usually do pizza, but we’re open to other things.”

  
Jared shrugged. “Pizzas good with me, but only if we get Hawaiian.”

  
“That’s actually disgusting. No. Meat lovers at most” Connor replied, eyeing Jared weirdly.   
“I bet you’re a real meat lover, Murphy.”

  
“Jared! Apologize!” Evan shouted, eyes wide in shock. He tried not to curl in on himself when Connor and Zoe stared at him in shock. Jared only rolled his eyes, crossing his arms in annoyance.

  
“Sorry that your taste in pizza sucks,”

  
“ _ Jared. _ ”

  
“Okay, okay! Jeez! I’m sorry. Happy?”

Evan shook his head, sighing. “I don’t really have any money to help you guys buy the pizza,” he mumbled. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Connor move, turning his body towards him.

  
“Our parents are loaded. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

  
Finally, he looked up to make eye contact with the taller boy. Finding nothing but warmth in the pools of normally cold blue, he nodded. He tried to hide the way his face was definitely heating up when the door opened, revealing Mrs. Murphy.

  
“Dinner time, kids!”

  
Evan smiled politely, Jared calling out a quick thank you as Connor and Zoe groaned. He eyed the siblings weirdly. Cynthia’s cooking couldn’t actually be that bad, could it?

  
Sitting down at the table next to Zoe and across from Connor, he could confirm that the food was indeed just as bad as it had been made out to be. Just looking at it had made Evan feel queasy, but he couldn’t not eat anything! Not only would that be suspicious and hint to their plans of ordering delivery, but it would just be rude. So he sucked it up and took a heaping serving of gluten free lasagna.

  
The one compliment he could give on the meal was that it definitely didn’t taste as bad as it looked and smelled. Of course, that wasn’t to say it tasted good. Just not awful. After one serving, he mostly stuck to the salad. After all, no one could really screw up a salad. And it was good! He smiled, munching away contently while listening to the others converse.

  
“So, Evan. You and Connor are friends?”

  
He looked up to the owner of the voice, meeting with Mr. Murphy. He nodded a bit, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

  
“Uh- yeah! Connors a really good friend. You and your wife did a wonderful job raising your children.”

  
He was well aware that he sounded like a mom at a middle school field day, but it felt like the right thing to say. The smile and nod of approval he received only confirmed his thinking more. For a while, everyone simply went back to eating, getting lost in their own heads.

  
“Well how long have you two known each other?”

  
That one was definitely more difficult to answer.

  
Looking across the table to Connor, he hoped he didn’t look like a deer caught in a set of headlights. The taller boy shrugged, looking at his cast. Evan gave him a weird look, and the other boy kicked his leg on the table, and  _ oh!  _

  
“Um, not long? W- We actually met sometime in late May...”

  
“Early June” Connor added.

  
“Or early June! And we um, we went to this place with... with these tall, tall trees. Where was it exactly, Connor?”

  
“The orchard” he replied, shrugging. “It’s nice and quiet there.”

  
“Right! Exactly. So, we’re walking around the orchard and I’m like, ‘wow. I bet the sunset looks pretty from the top of one of the trees’” he tries. Connor nods, flashing him a quick smile.

  
“So you know, me being Mr. Daddy long legs-” he began, giving Jared a dirty look when he laughed loudly in his seat next to him. “I decided to race the kid up a tree.”

  
“Which, I totally won” Evan challenged, because there was no way he would let Connor try to seem more impressive with his tree knowledge. The other boy rolled his eyes, playing with a cherry tomato on his plate.

  
“Is that really important, Evan?”

  
“Absolutely” he responded, smiling proudly.

  
“I think it’s more important that you fell out of the fucking tree, like a dumbass-”

  
“Connor!” his mother gasped, giving him a look of disapproval.

  
“-and then proceeded to break your arm.”

  
“Yeah, well, at least I won.”

  
Connor groaned, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, a trip to the ER.”

Evan shrugged, finishing his meal. Next to him, he saw Zoe get up, announcing she had finished. She nudged him on her way past him to the kitchen, and he quickly stood up, scrambling after her and thanking Cynthia for the meal. It wasn’t until they were putting their dishes into the sink that he had even realized how bad of an idea leaving Connor and Jared alone with Cynthia and Larry was. He looked to Zoe, trying to come up with a plan to get them to come upstairs with them.

  
“D- Don’t you think we should get Connor and Jared? I mean, that’s not fair, right? Especially when Connor, um... y’know?”

  
“Look, they’re big boys. I think they can handle themselves for a couple minutes. Plus, I wanted to ask you something. Alone?”

  
Evan looked at her wide eyed. He felt his stomach drop, his face probably going a sickly pale in his moment of panic. Eyes darting around, he began scrambling for the bathroom with the earlier directions.

  
“Y- You heard Jared earlier! Better to let it out!”

  
He slammed the door shut, and took a deep breath. What the hell?   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t hate this chapter or anything, but I do wish it came or better. Sorry for that. 
> 
> Anyways, take a wild guess at what Zoe’s going to ask him in the next chapter? I bet you all can figure it out. 
> 
> Check out my instagram @just.an.anxious.kid where you guys can talk to me or just ghost me. You could even by like thayoneguy (yes I’m calling you out) who jokes with me about different shows and has even given me some ideas for future chapters!
> 
> Seriously, I don’t bite. Odds are the worst I’ll do is send you photos of my cat.
> 
> That’s chapter 15, folks! Chapter 16 will probably be up sometime later this week, so I’ll see you all then. Enjoy! :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe asks Evan out, resulting in a lot of awkwardness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if this feels rushed or not sorry guys :(

    Evan had lots of experience hiding in a bathroom and hyperventilating. At his fourth grade graduation, at his bar mitzvah, during eighth grade graduation, during freshman orientation and throughout many presentations. To say he was used to it would be an understatement. Evan Hansen hyperventilating in a bathroom was practically a weekly tradition at this point in his life. What he wasn’t used to was someone following after him.

  
    “Evan?” Zoe called, banging on the door. “Are you okay in there? You seemed really panicked in the kitchen and it’s worrying me a lot. Can you open the door?”

  
    He shut his eyes tight, turning on the water to try and help drown out Zoe’s voice. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate her expressing her worries, it was nice to be noticed, but it was too much. First the phone call, then finding out Connor liked Jared, then dinner? He felt beyond overwhelmed, and he just needed a moment to collect his thoughts before she told him whatever it was she had to say.

  
    For at least three minutes, he did his breathing exercises. When he finally opened his eyes, he sighed shakily at the look of his face. All over it was red from heating up in his moment of panic, and he was definitely sweaty. Maybe he could borrow Connor’s cologne?

  
    Taking a deep breath, he splashed some cool water onto his face before patting it dry. Opening the door, he came face to face with a very concerned looking Zoe. Before he could even let out any form of an apology, she began scolding him.

  
    “That wasn’t funny, Evan! You should’ve responded. Oh my god, I was going to get Connor! Jesus, what happened?”

  
    “Oh! I, uh, just... needed a minute. Sorry, I won’t do it again” he promised, looking at her apologetically. She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

  
    “It’s fine,” she mumbled. “Just give a warning next time, please? That was kind of scary.”

  
    He nodded, apologizing again quickly. She shook her head, giving him a small smile before taking his hand and leading him upstairs. His face, if it wasn’t red enough before, probably looked like a tomato as he stumbled after her, trying not to focus on how definitely sweaty his hand was. Once they were in her room, she shut and locked the door.

  
    “Okay, I say we have about five minutes until-”

  
    “I know you probably hate me or whatever so I can leave and go home I’m sorry for annoying you and your parents!” Evan quickly yelled out, covering his mouth in embarrassment. Zoe slowly turned to look at him, confusion all over her face.

  
    “Evan, I don’t hate you, and you weren’t at all annoying” Zoe began slowly. “Is that what you thought I brought you up here to say?”

  
    He nodded, not really trusting himself to speak. If he opened up his mouth again odds were he would go on a whole tangent by accident and tell her his life story. If someone let the boy, they could probably write a biography on him with the way he rambles.

  
    “No, oh my god! I’m not kicking you out of the house or anything like that” Zoe reassured, and he smiled a bit.  That was good. Now he wouldn’t have to make Jared drive him home, and Connor could spend more time with him. “Evan, I wanted to say... oh, god, this sounds ridiculous.”

  
    “Nothing you say sounds ridiculous!” he quickly said, trying not to focus on the way that her freckles popped against the red of her flushed cheeks.

  
    “Then, I guess I’ll just say it! I like you a lot, Evan.”

  
    “Oh, I mean, I guess you should if we’re friends? That would be awkward otherwise, because who hates their friend?”

  
    “No, Evan. I _like_ you. A lot. I like-like you” she tried. “As in I would like to go on a date with you?”

  
    _Holy shit._

    Evan had been dreaming of this day since the tenth grade. He had spent nights just thinking about the day that Zoe Murphy would notice he existed. Now that it was happening, he couldn’t explain how he felt. The whole time, he had always pictured that it would be like fireworks going off. In the actual moment, all he felt was a small twist in his gut. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure what to make of it.

  
    He stared at Zoe, probably looking like idiot with the surprised expression he was wearing. Truthfully, he didn’t know how to respond, and that was probably the most confusing part. It should just be an immediate ‘yes!’, shouldn’t it? So why was he standing there, practically hyperventilating (again) over the situation?

  
    He opened his mouth, trying to find the right words. Instead, all that came out was a small squeak. Covering his mouth, he looked down in embarrassment. Well that was just great, wasn’t it?

    “You don’t have to say yes or anything, you know. I get that it’s sudden an-”

  
    Everyone always says actions speak better than words, right?

  
    So that’s why Evan went in for the kiss.

  
    For a moment, Zoe froze, and he thought he messed up. Before he could start to pull away, she gently cupped his face and began to kiss back and _wow she was a good kisser._ It wasn’t that there were any sparks, but it definitely felt good. Even if there were no fireworks, there was definitely some kind of loud bang that no one ever mentioned should happen. It almost sounded like there was shouting too? Evan tried to ignore it up until-

  
    “What the hell?!” Connor yelled, roughly shoving them apart. “Quit sucking face with my little sister!”

    The moment he fell to the floor, Evan knew he had made a mistake. Not only had he kissed his new friends baby sister, but he betrayed his trust. That was a friendship thing, right? Not to date your friends siblings? He groaned, cradling his arm as he curled in on himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

  
    There was definite arguing going on in the room around him. He could hear the muffled yelling between the siblings as Jared tried to separate them. Normally, Evan would do his best to fix the problem, but he couldn’t bring himself to bother. He had already screwed up at least ten times since arriving at the Murphy’s, he couldn’t do more damage. He would seem like a horrible person. He should’ve just left with Jared earlier.

  
    “Connor, what the fuck?! Haven’t you heard of knocking?!” Zoe yelled, shoving her brother. He rolled his eyes, flipping her off.

  
    “If I don’t get that luxury, neither do you!” he snarled.

  
    He thought he heard Jared scolding both of them, but he wasn’t quite sure. In all honesty, everything began to feel fuzzy. His breathing definitely picked up, and this time he couldn’t calm himself down. Not when there was so much noise and it was everywhere. Instead of trying to make it stop, he simply mumbled to himself under his breath as he curled up in the corner.

  
    He wasn’t sure how long he stayed there in the corner, hyperventilating quietly. It wasn’t until he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder that he finally looked up. A wave of deja-vu washed over him as he stared at the wavy haired brunette.

  
    “Evan, can you breathe for me? Remember what we did earlier in the week? C’mon, with me” Connor stated, and he found himself following his instructions. He carefully mimicked Connor’s actions, inhaling with him, holding as the other boy counted, exhaling through his mouth at the same time.

  
    It took at least a couple minutes to calm him down. His breathing was finally under control, but he was definitely still jumpy. He smiled gratefully when Connor handed him a fidget spinner to play with. As he began spinning it in his hand, letting the weight shift back and forth, he finally willed himself to look at the other two occupants in the room.

  
    Jared seemed tired. Like he had panicked with him through the whole situation. Evan gave him a sympathetic look, figuring the boy actually might have. He never handled stress well. Turning to Zoe, she seemed completely freaked. He couldn’t blame her either, if he had witnessed the kid he had just admitted to liking have a panic attack, he would probably be shaken up too. Or crying. Same difference.

    “S- Sorry,” he mumbled, wincing at the sound of his scratchy voice. Zoe meekly handed him a bottle of water, which he gladly took and began to take big gulps of. Connor sighed, shaking his head and assuring him it wasn’t his fault.

  
    Jared awkwardly held out his hand, an offering to help him up off the floor which he accepted. Getting up and dusting off his pants, he handed the bottle back to Zoe, thanking her quietly. She gently rubbed his back, trying to give any comfort she could. Evan felt bad for leaning away from the touch.

  
    The group of four stood in the purple room, all looking anywhere but at each other. Jared looked at some pictures that Zoe had around the room, Connor played with the strings on his sweatshirt, Zoe playing with a fuzzy pillow and Evan just staring at his feet.

    “So...” Zoe started, clearing her throat awkwardly. “Are we just gonna stand here or..?”

  
    “Oh! Uh, no, we can talk. Sorry, that’s my fault, I shouldn’t have-”

  
    “Hansen!” Connor bellowed, giving him a hard look.

  
    “Sorry!”

  
    Again, they went back to the silence.

  
    Now, Zoe had her phone pulled out and she was scrolling away. Connor was examining his nails, picking away at his cuticles. Jared was tossing a small stress ball up and down, spinning it in his hand expertly. Evan suddenly decided that the fidget spinner had a beautiful shine to its surface.

    “Yeah, I’m sick of the awkward silence. Are you guys gonna explain what that kiss was or are Jared and I gonna have to assume Zoe promised to kiss you in exchange for you to do her chem homework?”

  
    Zoe quickly hit Connor’s arm, Jared letting out a loud laugh at the comment. Evan looked down shamefully, hating the way that he couldn’t control his face burning up all over again.

  
    “I asked him out, dumbass!” Zoe hissed, crossing her arms in annoyance. Connor shrugged, raking his hands through his hair.

  
    “So you instantly started sucking face? Should I grab you condoms for later?”

  
    “See?!” Jared exclaimed. “I knew you would need one!”

  
    “We don’t— I don’t... no! We don’t need any condoms!” Evan quickly shouted, clutching his hands at his sides.

  
    Jared’s laughs only grew in volume, Connor rolling his eyes as Zoe intertwined her hands with Evan’s. He sheepishly looked at their hands, smiling at the sight. It was different. Kind of nice.

  
    “Look, just because I got a boyfriend first doesn’t mean you have to be a bitch about it,” Zoe shot back.

  
    “Oh? We’re playing that game?”

  
    “We’ve been playing it, Connor.”

  
    “Fine!” Connor huffed, turning to Jared. “Go to get ice cream with me.”

  
    “And why should I?” Jared questioned, grinning at the taller boy.

  
    “Because I told you to.”

  
    “And what’s the occasion?”

  
    “I want to get a fucking ice cream.”

  
    “And why me?”

  
    “Jesus fucking Christ! Are you willing to go on a date with me or not, Jared?!” Connor shouted, angrily tugging at his hair. Jared grinned, patting him on the back.

  
    “Free ice cream sounds good to me, Murphy. But let’s not do the whole label thing yet, yeah? Still deciding if I’m appalled or intrigued by you.”

  
    “Whatever floats your boat, asshole.”

  
    Evan stared at the whole scene, shocked at how it played out. Not only was he surprised that Connor _actually_ asked Jared out, but he was beyond surprised that Jared actually _accepted!_ Zoe squeezed his hand gently, a happy smile on her face. He felt his stomach flutter at the sight, but he wasn’t sure if it was a happy flutter.

  
    “Hey, what if we do a double date?” Zoe suggested.

  
    He knew that one definitely _wasn’t_ a happy flutter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! It’s my last day of summer, and I wanted to get out this chapter before tomorrow. Through some snooping I’ve found out I have English with one of my closest friends and my study teachers name is Mrs. Roland.
> 
> What are the odds?
> 
> Anyways, tomorrow marks the start of junior year! I’m not at all looking forward to it.
> 
> Obviously, with school starting, I’m not going to have as much time to write. I’ll still try to get out as many fics as possible though! Right now I’m working on two (a Jared one shot and another part for “The Adventures of Kinky Queer Teens” series!)
> 
> I don’t really know what to put in these notes? S o r r y
> 
> My instagram is still @just.an.anxious.kid so feel free to talk to me there! I mostly post DEH and BMC stuff (you’ll see a photo of me talking about how much of a snack Christian Borle is, though. I mean, am I wrong?)
> 
> Until next time, enjoy the chapter!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Connor have a “date”.

They had agreed that the double date would be the next week, that way everyone could hang out beforehand and the date wouldn’t be awkward.

  
So Connor was at Jared’s house.

  
Very, very much awkward.

  
He sat on the end of the shorter boys bed, softly petting the calico cat in his lap. The plan had been that they would do their homework together (or rather that Jared would help Connor with work he had missed the past couple of days). Now, he watched as Jared tried to finish his homework after Connor had breezed through all of his own. Apparently, people didn’t think that he was very smart. All he had to respond to that was his full list of honors courses strongly disagreed.

  
He wasn’t really sure what he had been thinking days prior when he had asked Jared out. The plan had been to simply tell Zoe he liked the boy and never actually do anything about it, blame the lack of actions on “fear of being rejected”. Clearly his sister had other ideas, egging him on so he would ask the boy out before he could over think the situation. Now he had to actually try and converse with the boy and if he were to be completely honest, it kind of made him want to vomit. 

  
Connor didn’t necessarily hate Jared. He just couldn’t forgive him for all the shit he had said and put him through yet. Maybe over time he could, but not so soon. He scratched under the cats chin, his expression softening as she meowed up at him. If Jared was smart, letting him hang out with Oreo more might help the forgiving process go quicker.

  
When he heard the desk chair Jared was sitting on glide towards him, he decided not to look up. If Jared had something to say, he had no doubt that the boy would say it. He just continued to appreciate the small ball of fur in his lap, letting her play with the string of his hoodie. If anyone asked, he would deny it ever happened.

  
“Finished the devils work,” Jared stated, stretching in his seat. Connor hummed to acknowledge that he heard the comment, but nothing more than that. “Now what?”

  
“I don’t know,” Connor replied, rolling his eyes. “Isn’t this where we start making out?”

  
“If that’s what you want” Jared said, shrugging. Before Connor could even react, the smaller boy was pulling him for a kiss. His eyes shot wide opened and he quickly shoved him away, flinching when Oreo suddenly got up from her spot and ran out of the room. If looks could kill, he was sure Jared would be long gone by now.

  
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” He screamed, rage boiling within him. The shorter boy simply got up, dusting himself off cooly with a grin. Connor clenched his fists as his sides, trying to resist the urge to punch him. “Why are you smiling?!”

  
“Because I was right!”

  
Before his fist could collide with the cocky boys face, he stopped, because what the hell did _that_ mean?

  
“So now that we’ve established you don’t actually like me-”

  
“Wait, what?! Who said that?!”

  
“You shoving me to the ground was a pretty big hint.”

  
Connor studied the smaller boy, his eyes narrowed. He hated to admit that Jared was right. Now it was just a matter of how to admit it, or if he was actually going to. He could play it off as shock, or he could tell him the truth. Telling him the truth also just sounded disastrous. How do you tell someone you like their best friend, who, mind you, is dating your little sister? Oh, right, you don’t!

  
He took in a deep breath, crossing his arms angrily before looking away. “I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

  
“You have no clue what I’m talking about?” Jared asked, scoffing. “Tell that to my sore ass.”

  
Connor rolled his eyes, he really wasn’t in the mood to have this conversation with Jared. He didn’t like that the shorter boy had figured it out so easily and that he seemed so damn proud about it.

  
“I didn’t expect it,” he mumbled, “that’s all.”

  
“That’s all?” Jared challenged. 

  
“Yup.”

  
“Then kiss me.”

  
Now this could go one of three ways. He could suck it up and kiss him, he could not kiss him and yell at him for being a wise-ass  _ or _ he could tell him he wasn’t ready to kiss so early on. Connor scrunched his nose, holding Jared’s face in his hands and kissing him as quickly as could be considered acceptable in the situation. When he pulled back, he saw the smaller boy grinning smugly all over again. He crossed his arms defensively, narrowing his eyes at Jared. 

  
“What now, Kleinman?”

  
“No wonders you were always an ensemble role in the middle school productions! You can dance and sing but you can’t act for shit, dude.”

  
If Connor had actually still been doing musicals, he probably would’ve been offended. Considering he couldn’t care less about the school productions, he let that one slide for the time being.

  
At this point, Connor knew he had to tell Jared the truth. It was simply a matter of how much of the truth he actually had to tell him. He could just say he didn’t like him and then leave it at that, but Jared seemed like he knew more about the situation. Not that he would ever admit it out loud, but the thought of Jared knowing the whole situation kind of freaked him out.

  
Think about it; if Jared found out that Connor liked Evan, there was no telling what he would do with that information. Despite the boys lack of popularity, he knew that he could get the word spread if he really tried. It’s not like it was a difficult task anyways. All he had to do was say it to one person in a crowd, and then someone else would hear, and then everyone would know because the stupid school just  _ loved _ gossip for whatever reason. 

  
“Alright, whatever,” Connor mumbled, “ask away oh-wise-one.” 

  
“Gladly!” Jared exclaimed, leaning back in his chair. “Why did you lie and say you liked me? Not offended by it or anything, just curious why you chose me.”

  
Connor kicked his feet back and forth lazily, trying to think of how to word his response. The room suddenly felt extremely stuffy, and he hated it. 

  
“Guess I just wanted Zoe to get off my back about who I liked, ya know? Just said the first name that came to my mind.” 

  
Jared hummed thoughtfully, and for a bit it was silent in the room.  The stuffy feeling was quickly becoming suffocated, and he hoped to God it would go away soon. 

  
“So you like someone else?”

  
“Yup.” He responded, exaggerating the P.

  
“Can I ask who?” Jared questioned, leaning forward in his seat.

“You can do a lot of shit, Kleinman.” Connor replied, rolling his eyes. 

  
“You’re right,” the shorter boy retorted, “I just wanted to know if you’d answer or not.”

  
“I’ll humor you this one time.”

  
“Is it Evan?”

  
“What if it is?”

  
“Then I’d support you.”

  
Connor raised his eyebrow at that. It wasn’t that he was upset with the answer or anything. More so shocked by it. Most would assume he was shocked by the fact that Jared was being nice to him, but he was more shocked by the support. The boy hadn’t been nice to him since the seventh grade, so he couldn’t fathom why he would want to start all the way in twelfth grade. 

  
Actually, why had he even stopped in the first place? Honestly Connor couldn’t remember being mean to Jared until the other boy had insulted him first. He had sat with the boy at lunch every time they had the block together and then one day Jared just began ignoring him. For a while,  Connor would just sit there regardless and eat, trying to converse with him. That came to a stop the day that Jared had shoved him, calling him a freak and telling him not to sit there anymore. 

  
“Why are you suddenly being nice to me?” He asked, looking at Jared quizzically. The shorter boy shrugged, leaning back in his seat.

  
“Evan seems like he wants to be friends with you, which means I’ll get dragged along, so I can’t just keep hating you.”

 

“So this is like a... truce?” He questioned. Jared grinned, holding out his hand.

  
“I think it is, Murphy.”

  
Taking a deep breath, he shook Jared’s hand firmly. “It’s a truce.” He responded, letting his hand fall back into his lap. 

  
Thinking about it, calling a truce with the boy had probably been a wise idea. Not that he necessarily needed Jared on his side, but it couldn’t hurt to have his help. Especially considering that now he knew the boy supported whatever it was he felt for Evan. He grinned to himself, kicking his feet back and forth at the side of the bed. Hell, maybe Jared could actually be a wingman of sorts! He could probably find out how Evan felt through the shorter boy and use that to his advantage.

 

From that point forward, the rest of the night had went smoothly. He ate dinner with Jared and his moms (who had surprisingly both remembered him) and they watched TV together for a while after. Of course, him and Jared had fought over which shitty show they should watch. It had ended in a battle between My 90 Day Fiancé and a cheesy movie on The Hallmark Channel.

  
Connor had won with Hallmark, because those shitty romance movies had to be the funniest things he’d ever watched. As a commercial was running and they were eating popcorn, Jared turned in his spot to face him.

  
“So do you wanna like... date Evan?”

  
“That’s sorta the plan.”

 

“Cool.” Jared responded, turning back to face the TV. 

  
They continued like that for a while, neither speaking while they watched the movie. It was one where the girl went on some vacation and ended up meeting the prince, then proceeding to fall in love with him. You know, kind of like a modern day Cinderella. But with a much lower budget in its producing. 

  
“Just one more thing.” Jared interrupted, causing Connor to roll his eyes. “Hey! Don’t be like that! All I’m saying is I don’t want you to try and take advantage of Evan, alright? Life’s basically already fucked him over enough, he doesn’t need more shit. If you’re gonna try and date him or whatever, don’t be an ass about it. Right now he’s with Zoe, and you need to respect that. The only reason I’m supporting you in the situation is because I honestly don’t think they’ll last, they’re more like friend material.”

  
“Yeah, yeah,” Connor sighed, “I know all that. I’m just worried about hurting them both, you know?”

  
“I get what you mean.” Jared said, popping a piece of popcorn into his mouth. “I think we just gotta let their thing work itself out first is all, but it shouldn’t take too long.”

  
Connor furrowed his brows, turning to face Jared. 

  
“What makes you say that?”

  
The whole day, he felt like Jared was actually being pretty cool about the situation. When the only response he got was a grin and the shorter boy turning up the volume, he thought throwing a pillow at him was reasonable.

  
“Asshole.” He mumbled, taking the bowl of popcorn.

  
“You’ll thank me later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took so long to come out and i’m so sorry. I had a ton of stuff going on which includes;  
> School starting   
> Tests  
> Essays  
> Quizzes  
> Lab reports  
> Therapy   
> An internship  
> My grandmother being in the hospital  
> Spilling tea onto my hand and burning it  
> Many panic attacks
> 
> I swear I didn’t just forget about this fic, it’s just taken a bit is all. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to write the next chapter, but it will be out! This fic isn’t dead or anything. It’ll just take a while. I’m sorry.
> 
> Anyways, my instagram is @just.an.anxious.kid so you can follow and talk to me there if you want but keep in mind I might be really awkward at first because like,, hello have you guys ever read my notes like i’m the most awkward ever ew.
> 
> Regardless, I hope you enjoy the chapter! Sorry that I made you guys wait so long for it.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On his way to the Murphy’s for a causal date with Zoe, Evan finds himself reliving in the past. The only problem was it wasn’t all happy memories. When was it ever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys just a warning but Evan does reflect on some touchy stuff in this chapter

To say Evan was terrified would be an understatement. 

  
Who would’ve thought his second trip to the Murphy’s would be to take the girl of his dreams on a date?

  
Actually, could he even call her that anymore?

  
Here’s the thing; calling Zoe his “dream girl” implied it wasn’t a reality. But if he was taking her to a picnic at Ellison, then is it really just a “dream” anymore? At this point, it more seemed like she was just... his girl. Or, well, not  _ his _ girl. He didn’t own her or anything. It’s weird to try and phrase.

  
It had been four days since Zoe and him had gotten together (were they actually together?), and Evan felt confused. Every time that he had dreamed of it before, he had pictured it to feel magical to date her. To kiss her. To just be with her in general. Yet, now that it was happening, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. That’s why he took the matter up with his most trustable resource.

  
Google.

  
His fingers began tapping away, “what do you do when you like a girl but when you kiss her you don’t feel anything?”

  
The first result was a thread about how a lot of guys had the same experience. Most say to wait it out, maybe they kissed to early, only one or two say to break up with her. Evan frowned, scrolling up and down to double and triple check the responses. 

  
The thing was, the more he read, the more he was getting the feeling that something was different between him and Zoe. From the way these people were talking about it, it sounded as though all the people writing felt an emotional connection with whoever they were kissing. Evan wasn’t so sure he had that with Zoe.

  
It’s not that he didn’t like Zoe. She was pretty, smart, caring, funny. Everything he was supposed to want in a girlfriend, right? But it wasn’t right.

  
Evan felt awful about it. He honest to god wanted to like her again. He wanted to like her back because he thought it was horrible that for two years he liked her but the second she says she feels the same he only views her as a friend. Honestly, he wanted to blame it on getting to know her for real. Wanted to say it was because for the longest time he was basing his feelings off of idealistic traits, but now he can base them off of real traits. The only issue? 

  
He’d be lying. 

  
It wouldn’t even be good lying, either. Evan knew he was awful at hiding his feelings. It stressed him out and then he usually ended up crying over it and going on a walk until he felt better.  He was even too stressed to actually say what it was exactly that he would be saying as a lie. 

  
Yeah, he liked Connor. 

  
His lie would be that he didn’t like Zoe for some other reason, because who stops liking someone just to say they like that persons brother?

 

He knew it was stupid sounding to say that’s what happened, but the thing was that this time it was different! With Zoe, a lot of his feelings for her were based off of traits he hoped she had or thought she had. With Connor, he had actually talked to the boy. Gotten to know him. Hell, he’s known him for almost his whole life! That’s just kinda what happens when you go to the same school for so long.

Looking at the time, he sighed, taking one last look in the mirror before starting his walk to the Murphy’s. Shoving his hands in his pocket, he let his feet carry him down the familiar path.

  
Not that he goes to the Murphy’s a lot! Ellison was right by their neighborhood was all, so he had walked by their house a lot over the summer. Of course, he didn’t know it was their house at the time. He had assumed the family lived on the street somewhere, but he didn’t track them down like a stalker! That would be creepy!

  
Shaking his head, he took in his surroundings. Although it was still early September, it was obvious that nature was in her final days of blooming. It was almost beautiful in a funny way. Every year, the flowers bloom and make the world colorful and beautiful. Then, just as soon as they bloom, the bitter cold of autumn sweeps in and kills it all. But every year, without fail, they bloom once again. It was almost like a battle, but there was no clear winner.

  
One foot, then the next. 

  
His job at Ellison wasn’t the first time Evan had made his way down this street. When he was little, him and his dad used to go on little walks together. His dad had wanted to teach him about nature. He tried to keep the tradition alive after his dad left, but when his mom had started taking up more hours at work it had become progressively more difficult.

  
Left, right. Step. Step.

  
No matter how hard Evan tried, he could never have a good memory without a bad one following. Yes, him and his dad had bonded walking this path for a long time. Yes, he did the same with his mom when his dad left. Yet, this was also the same path he had to be driven down on his way to the hospital not too long ago. 

  
Looking down, he frowned at his cast. That dumb reminder. The reminder that even when he screamed, he was nothing more than silent. His cries for help fell upon deaf ears.

  
_ Step. _

_  
_ Laying in the grass, his arm twisted in an unnatural way.

  
_ Step. _

_  
_ His sobs, raking through his whole body. He was shaking, breathing shallow.

  
_ Step. _

_  
_ But nobody came.

  
_ Step. _

_  
_ He looked up.

 

“Evan! Hey!” Zoe greeted, pulling him into a hug and giving his cheek a quick kiss. She beamed up at him, green eyes full of joy. Her freckles popping out against his light skin as she urged him inside. 

  
“Hey.” He greeted awkwardly. 

  
Sometimes, it felt like he was going backwards. He was supposed to be making progress, his mom liked to remind him every morning. Dr. Sherman liked to remind him every other week. Standing in the foyer to the Murphy’s, Evan felt like he couldn’t be any further off of progress. His hands felt clammy, and he couldn’t really focus on anything. He took a deep breath, trying to bring himself back to reality.

  
Five things he could see.

  
“Evan?”

  
The hardwood flooring, the staircase, the TV, a family picture and a candle.

  
“Evan, are you okay?”

  
Four things he could feel.

  
“Can you please answer? You’re scaring me!”

  
The stickiness inside of his cast, the sweat of his palm, the roughness of his jeans as he wiped his hands, his backpack slung over his shoulder.

  
“Evan!”

  
Three things he could—

  
Suddenly, he was turned by a rough tug to his arm, causing him to whimper. He felt warm, secure arms wrap around him. Taking a deep breath... why couldn’t he take a deep breath? He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a warm tear slip down his cheek. Oh. 

  
Had he been having a panic attack?

  
Fun.

  
At this point, Evan was pretty sure he had so many that it was becoming hard to tell when he was having one. His body had almost adjusted to that level of stress. It would be scary if his body didn’t feel so numb at the moment.

  
“Evan, please look at me!” 

  
He let his eyes drift down, locking in with a concerned pair of green staring right back up.

  
“Are you okay? Do you need something? Please just talk to me! I wanna help!” Zoe pleaded, holding his hand between her smaller ones desperately.

 

He felt himself coming back to reality, if only slightly. Squeezing her hand, he couldn’t help but ask himself; was she always this concerned? It was difficult to understand. He knew Connor had some problems, but if he had such a great support system, why would he do what he did? It didn’t make sense to him. Maybe he just didn’t understand. He probably just didn’t understand... right?

  
He heard a small voice, causing him to become confused as he tried to figure out who it belonged to. It wasn’t Zoe, her lips hadn’t moved and it was too low. Definitely a males voice. Mr. Murphy and Connor didn’t seem to be near though, so who was it?

  
When he heard a small squeak, he made the connection. It was him talking. That was his voice. His own voice, small and fragile. What was he even trying to say?

  
“N- Need...”

  
Need  _ what? _ What did he need? To sit? A glass of water? A hug? A kiss?

  
No, not a kiss. Why did he even ask that one? Idiot.

  
Zoe squeezed his hand back, pulling him into the living room and having him sit. She turned the TV on, letting it play as a white noise in the back. He looked up at her, eyes probably glazed over as he tried to pull himself back in.

  
“Listen, I’m gonna get you tea. Mom has some in the kitchen, and that’s supposed to help people calm down. It’ll only take a few minutes and I’ll be the next room over. Is that okay?”

 

He could see the kitchen from his spot on the couch. If he needed anything, all he had to do was call her. In the next room over. While she made tea for him. Because he was annoying and acting like a baby, crying over absolutely nothing. He shouldn’t have even come over. Should’ve stayed home, cooped up in his room like usual and wasted the night away doing nothing. Honestly, what had he been thinking?

  
“Evan,” he felt Zoe’s hand on top of his, “is that okay? You can say no. It’s okay to say no.”

  
“N- No.”

  
“No?” 

  
“No! No, I mean, i- it’s fine! Totally fine. A-Okay. Sorry, I was unclear. That was dumb. I’ll shut up. Sorry.”

Zoe smiled weakly, kissing his forehead gently before making her way into the kitchen. He might’ve seen her turn, but he was too busy staring at the ground to be positive about the fact.

  
Putting his head in his hands, he frowned, trying to think things over. What did Connor have that Zoe didn’t? Not much. Everything he thought of was small details, little things that he was surprised he even noticed. Like that when Connor laughs, he nose scrunches up in the most adorable way. That when he smiles, his dimples pop. How sometimes, when he’s deep in thought, his tongue sticks out just slightly and his eyes narrow as he stares off. Not to mention how he has this vibe to him. This almost calming aura that he only seems to share with those he’s close to. It’s a way he never thought he would describe Connor Murphy from their experience in school together, but now that he’s realized it he can’t seem to stop going back for more. 

  
Everyone has their addiction. To some, it could be drugs. To others, it could be work. A lot of people in his school had a clear addiction to coffee. Evan wasn’t afraid to admit he would stumble upon his own addiction in life, he just hadn’t expected it to be a someone. 

It was almost scary, how one person could always leave him wanting more. More of that smile. More of their hands brushing when they passed each other. More of his witty comments, and his cheesy humor. Hell, even more intimate moments. Moments together, alone. Alone and curled up with each other, watching a movie together with a silent conversation only exchanged in the most intimate looks.

  
Connor Murphy was a drug, and he couldn’t get enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, this took a month to come out. I’m sorry. I don’t even have a proper excuse. 
> 
> I also don’t have much to say besides I hope you all have a great Halloween and remember to take care of yourselves!!! Also, I guess a fun thing is I got the DEH novel? I high key love it, not gonna lie.
> 
> My instagram is still @just.an.anxious.kid if anyone’s curious. 
> 
> Yeah, that’s about it...
> 
> Sincerely, me.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets lost in his head a lot, usually making him distracted. He should probably stop doing that, because it makes him say really stupid things.

It was maybe five minutes until Zoe had finished making the tea, joining him on the couch with her own mug. He held it in his hands carefully, looking over the design. It was cute, a cartoon looking lighthouse on a beach. The family probably bought it when they were on a vacation one time. Not that he would actually ask.

  
They sat together, not speaking as they watched the commercials on the TV. It wasn’t exactly an unwelcome silence, but it wasn’t one he had really hoped would settle in. He had been hoping to avoid silence with Zoe. Silence meant they weren’t communicating, and if they weren’t communicating then that meant they weren’t learning new things about each other, which then meant that neither could make a good enough judgment on each other to know if they were a good couple. In short, it kind of stressed Evan.

  
Evan wanted to believe what those people said online. That they had rushed into kissing and needed to know each other better first. They needed to bond with each other. The only problem was that Evan wasn’t sure how to really bond with someone. What do you do? Ask them their favorite color? Their favorite food? This isn’t the first day of preschool, he wanted to be serious.

  
“How are you feeling?” Zoe asked, sipping at her tea.

  
He fidgeted in his spot, turning the mug in his hand. He wasn’t really sure how he was feeling. His best answer would probably be confused, but that would launch Zoe into the questioning of what he was confused about, and then he’d get anxious trying to explain it. As usual, he went with the safe option.

  
“Fine.”

  
He could see Zoe giving him a questioning look from the corner of his eye, and it made him feel slightly guilty. Lying wasn’t his goal here, but he felt like lying was all he could do sometimes. Anyways, it’s not like it was really a lie. He did feel fine compared to earlier! “Fine” can be defined in a bunch of different ways, so she just might have interpreted it differently. Doesn’t mean he’s lying, just means she’s misunderstanding.

  
They both sat there, just watching the news on the TV. Nothing new. Just the basic routine of someone saying this, then someone else responds with that, and then everyone’s angry with each other again. It felt like he was back to when he was seven, watching his parents argue day and night. Some things just never change.

  
“So...”

  
“So...?”

  
He turned to face Zoe, giving her a curious look. She seemed nervous. Like she wasn’t sure how to say what she wanted to say. He could understand that. 

  
“Well... the date?”

  
“Oh my God! The date!” 

  
How the hell is it that he went to the Murphy’s to take Zoe on a date, just to forget about the date? Negative 10 points to Evan Hansen. What a champ.

  
“Sorry! We should go now, oh my God, I’m so sorry. That was completely irresponsible of me,” he tried, stumbling over his words, “we should go now. I’m sorry.”

  
“No! It’s fine,” she assured him, “don’t worry about it. Let’s go.”

  
With a small, awkward smile, Zoe grabbed her jacket and they both started their walk to the park. It wasn’t a long walk at all, it would take them maybe ten minutes to get there, so Evan had roughly five to get his shit together. 

  
He thought that maybe a small date together would be okay. He figured they would be fine to talk for a while, go on a walk and have lunch before their double date with Connor and Jared. Which, the double date.

  
The double date didn’t sound like a good idea to him. It actually sounded like a really bad idea to him. Think about it - going on a date with your girlfriends (are they even dating officially?) brother and your childhood best friend? Why had anyone agreed to that? Why had  _ he _ agreed to that when he was confused about whatever he was feeling for Connor? Why had he agreed to go on this date when he wasn’t sure how he felt about Zoe’s brother? 

  
It wasn’t a good idea. None of it was. Evan Hansen and dating weren’t a good combination and he really needed to just accept that already and get past it. He was probably going to be alone forever knowing his luck.

  
Connor and Jared. 

  
Jesus Christ, how was he supposed to react to that one?

  
He hadn’t expected it. It didn’t make sense to him. Maybe he could see Connor liking Jared since he hadn’t talked to Connor too much, but he didn’t understand Jared liking Connor. Despite Jared acting like they were only “family friends”, whatever that was supposed to mean, they had always told each other everything. It was like some kind of unspoken rule between them, and he didn’t understand why Jared would hide this from him.

  
Unless he was ashamed of it.

If Jared was ashamed of liking Connor, then that wasn’t okay. He shouldn’t be ashamed of who he is and who he likes. He should feel okay to be himself, it wasn’t as if anyone he was close to would care. Why should they? No one cared about his mothers being gay, it would be hypocritical of them to judge him.

Then there was the possibility that Jared was ashamed of liking  _ Connor. _

_   
_ They sound like they’re the same thing, but they’re not. See, the first one is simply Jared being ashamed that he likes Connor, a guy. The second is he’s ashamed of liking Connor, period. Two very completely different things.

  
The second option was a lot sadder to think about. He didn’t want to think that Jared was ashamed of liking Connor because of who he is. In fact, he didn’t want to think that Jared didn’t like Connor for any reason.

  
Well, no, he did want to. In his own selfish way, Evan absolutely wanted to think that Jared didn’t like Connor. It was sick, he knew it was. He knew it was awful to wish for your friends crush (who’s your other friend for that matter) to not like that friend back. It was horrible and selfish in every way, but he did. He didn’t want to think like that, he didn’t like to think like that. But of course, lo and behold, Evan wasn’t a good person. He was selfish and he wanted Connor to himself. God, what was wrong with him?

  
It wasn’t until Zoe took a hold of his hand that he even realized they were at the park. He had a habit of getting lost in his head, but he was hoping that wouldn’t end up being an issue today. Why he even bothered, he wasn’t sure. Nothing ever went how he planned.

  
“I haven’t been to this park in years.”

  
He turned to look at Zoe, studying her face. She didn’t seem upset or anything, so maybe it was a good thing they were there.

  
“When the Orchard first closed, our parents started taking us here.” She continued.

  
“Oh, yeah! Right, Connor told me all about it. He said he had a lot of happy memories here.”

  
“Connor hates it here.”

  
“Yeah, no, that’s what I meant. Connor loved telling me about how happy he was whenever you guys left! That’s what he told me. Sorry, that was really unclear. I should’ve been more specific.”

  
If Zoe was giving him a weird look, he would just pretend not to notice. He should probably talk to Connor about whatever their “friendship” consisted of. He should also tell him about what he said to Zoe, that way if she asked he isn’t thrown off. This was gonna be a mess.

“Did he ever tell you about when we were little?”

  
See, now how was he supposed to respond to that? If he said anything too specific it could be completely wrong and then she’d know.

  
“Oh, yeah! Yeah, we talked about when we were little sometimes.” That should be good enough, right?

  
“What stories did he tell you?”

  
Jesus, he thought this was a date, not an interrogation. 

  
Okay, think Evan! What did he know about Connor from when they were little? What did he remember about him from school? What did he remember seeing in his room?

  
Books.

  
“Oh, he said he used to like to read a lot! He always had a book with him, he loves stories.”

  
She nodded, squeezing his hand as they walked through the park. Every now and again Evan would stop to tell her about the different trees and landmarks that they walked past. 

  
He wasn’t sure why he had thought to mention Connor. Maybe it was just the fact that Connor had already been on his mind when she started asking him questions. He was probably just subconsciously trying to find some kind of neutral territory between them. 

  
They eventually stopped in an open area where the trees split, Zoe’s eyes widening in shock.

  
“Did you set up a picnic here?”

  
He had come straight after school. Laying out a blanket and a small picnic basket, he figured the spot would be great for the date. If they stayed long enough, it would make for a great view of the sun setting.

  
“Yeah. I thought I would go for a surprise kind of thing, you know?” He joked, rocking back and forth on his heels. “Gotta keep you on your toes.”

  
She leaned up, holding his face in her hands and kissing him right on the lips. Honestly, he didn’t expect her to take the statement so seriously!

  
“It’s perfect.”

  
If only he could say the same. 

  
“Can we talk?”

  
Had he actually just said that? Why had he even said that? What did he plan to talk to her about? The negative points were just racking in today. What was he at now? One-hundred? 

  
“Talk about what?” She asked, holding his hand between both of hers. 

  
He took a deep breath, trying to think about what he should say. He knew what he should say. He knew he should tell her how he wasn’t sure he liked her anymore and they should probably just stay friends. Honestly though, how could he go and tell her that? That would be extremely rude of him in the middle of their date. He didn’t want to seem like a jerk. Plus, talk about a dick move. Not only telling her that he doesn’t think he liked her, but to tell her he might like her brother? God, what an idiot. He shook his head, trying again. 

  
“I...” He began trailing off.

  
“You...?” She tried to prompt him on, smiling politely. 

  
“I’m just...” He took a deep breath, putting on a smile. “I’m just really glad we’re here. Together. Thank you. I’m... I’m having a really good time.”

  
Evan Hansen hated lying, but sometimes he felt like there was no way around it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This.  
> I have no excuse.  
> This should’ve been out so much earlier, oh my god.   
> Also it feels like a repeat of the last chapter with Evan being a gay mess,,  
> Sorry.  
> But, yeah, at least it’s out.  
> My instagram is still @Just.An.Anxious.Kid if anyone cares anymore.  
> I don’t really know how this fic has so many kudos, but thank you.  
> Sincerely, me


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dates end, people go home, and Evan makes himself a promise. He just isn’t that good at keeping those.

    The rest of the date had gone fine. Nothing that exciting had happened for their picnic, and the rest of their walk through the park when Evan brought Zoe home was peaceful. Now, Evan just sat in his bedroom, looking at his laptop screen and the newly opened document blankly.

  
    _Dear Evan Hansen,_

 _  
_ _Today was... interesting. You went on a date with the girl of your dreams, and she kissed you! She’s actually kissed you multiple times, but that’s not the interesting part. Oh, no, it never is._

 _  
_ _Kissing Zoe Murphy feels nothing like it should. Instead of warmth and fireworks, all you feel is empty and confused. So, congrats, I guess. You’ve managed to screw up dating the girl you’ve wanted to date since you saw her in the jazz band freshman year when your teacher said there was extra credit for going to the concert. Then, to top it all off, you didn’t even tell her you didn’t really like her! So really, good job, Evan._

 _  
_ _And for the love of God, get over Connor. If not for yourself, do it for Jared. You’re a real dick._

 _  
_ _Sincerely, me._

 _  
_     If Evan had to describe how he felt with himself, he’d use the word “angry”. Not that angry was even a strong enough word, but it got the point across. Honestly, how much of a jerk could he be? Not only was he a complete asshole for going on a date with Zoe and lying to her, oh no, he had to go and get a crush on his family friend’s (whatever that was supposed to mean) boyfriend. So, really, he was more livid with himself than anything for being so selfish.

  
    There was really no point in even trying. He should be happy with what he has, but he couldn’t even manage that. Can’t speak on the phone, can’t order a pizza, can’t tell the truth, can’t be a good friend — what can he be? Nothing but a failure, it seemed.

  
    He clicked out of his document, opting to go onto his instagram to scroll around and see what the rest of the kids in his grade were up to. Probably not sitting in their rooms alone while their mom is at work living a way more exciting life then him. Sighing, he signed in. Just as he began to read Sabrina Patel’s caption, his phone dinged on his bed next to him. He was sure it was just his mom reminding him to have dinner, but he was more then surprised to read that it was from Connor Murphy.

  
    C: hey just wanted to tell u that my date with kleinman was kinda shit or whatever so i guess that means less time with a boyfriend and more time for us to hang out while u read like a nerd and i sleep

  
    _Oh._

 _  
_     Straight to the point, huh?

 

    Or, well, maybe _straight_ wasn’t the right word to use here.

  
  
    He read over the message a few more times, trying to process it. Why had Connor even told him? Why didn’t he wait for school the next day? Was this something friends did? Should he tell him about his date with Zoe?

  
    Wait, no, definitely not.

  
    Maybe if he kept some kind of invisible divider between the two siblings, things could work out. Maybe if he made sure not to hang out with them at the same time alone, his feelings would keep themselves in check. No more Murphy family drama for Evan, please!

  
    He sighed, shaking his head and looking back down at his phone. Taking a deep breath, he started typing out a response.

  
    E: I’m sorry things didn’t go well! :( Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? Besides “being a nerd” since I guess that’s what you view me as.

  
    If he came off a bit rude, he would try to pretend he didn’t notice. Connor had started it, anyways.

  
    C: wow the attitude 

  
    C: didnt know u had it in u

  
    He could practically feel Connor’s smirk across town.

  
    E: Then I guess I’m just full of surprises, aren’t I?

  
    C: that u r

  
    C: but theyre good surprises so dont panic over nothing

  
    He wouldn’t deny cracking a small smile over that message.

  
    C: wanna hang out for a bit?

  
    He blinked a couple times. Had he read that right?

  
    E: Connor, it’s 9 at night. I don’t even have a car to drive over!

  
    C: say no more u useless queer

  
    C: be there in 10 minutes

  
    E: Wait, what?

  
    _9:03._

 _  
_     E: Connor?

  
    _9:05._

 _  
_     E: You were serious?!

  
    That was how Evan found himself rushing to get into a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, waiting in his living room anxiously for Connor’s arrival. What he hadn’t suspected was a loud honk from his driveway, and what he certainly hadn’t expected was for Zoe to be driving Connor. There was no way his face didn’t show his level of surprise when he stepped out onto his porch, because he swore he saw Connor grinning just slightly.

  
    “Are you coming?” Zoe called out, looking at him curiously.

  
    Apparently, Connor and him had taken the conversation very differently.

  
    “I thought, I mean, Connor said... you want me to go to your house? Like... like this?!” He cried out, looking down at his pants. They used to be his dads. Of course, they never fit right on Evan. “I can’t go like this! I look gross!”

  
    He could just barely make out Connor rolling his eyes before turning to Zoe. Evan knew he saw his mouth moving, but he couldn’t quite hear what the other boy had been saying before he stepped out of his car and made his way onto the porch. He froze, looking up at Connor in shock.

  
    “First off, you don’t look gross. Second off, you can literally change if you want to. Third off, you’re gonna make Zoe upset if you don’t come over. She wants to do a movie night thing.”

  
    Well how the hell should he respond to that one?

    Of course he wanted to hang out with the siblings, why wouldn’t he want to? You know, besides the fact that literally fifteen minutes prior he had made an agreement to himself to not hang out with the two of them at the same time to avoid Murphy family drama.

  
    Then again, he had promised himself that he wouldn’t be scared to order pizza anymore, ether.

  
    “It’ll only be for a bit, right?”

  
    “You can spend the night if you want,” Connor replied, shrugging, “it’s Friday, anyways. Our parents won’t care.”

  
    “Oh, no no no, I couldn’t stay the night on such short notice, that would be rude!” He squeaked.

  
    “Look, it’s your choice if you want to. I’m just saying you’re more than welcome to.” Connor said with a stern voice. “Mom would probably be thrilled if you stayed over. She thinks you’re a good kid.”

  
    Honestly, Evan didn’t understand Connor. Sometimes the boy was all warm eyes, slight smiles and small jokes. Other times he was cold eyed, blank faced and emotionless. Maybe it was best if he did spend the night, if only to make sure he was okay. Right?

  
    Which was exactly how Evan found himself in the back of a blue Volvo, trying not to seem too awkward but not saying anything unless absolutely necessary. He made sure to send his mom a quick text to let her know he wouldn’t be home when she got back from work (you know, at three in the morning. Not like she would bother to check if he was there before she went to class, anyways).

  
    When he pressed the send button, he felt awful.

  
    E: Hi mom! I’m going to sleep over Jared’s tonight. Love you.

  
    Short and simple, but a short and simple lie.

  
    It wasn’t fair to her, he knew that. He knew it wasn’t fair to lie to his mom about sleeping over the Murphy’s, especially since she somewhat knew the family. He just knew if he actually told her there would be so many questions that he just didn’t want to deal with. It made it easier to say he was going to the Kleinman’s. He would just have to let Jared know in case his mom asked him, that’s all.

    Honestly, the only reason he was going was because he was worried about Connor, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Sure, it kind of meant he was a good friend, but that was the only positive he could think of. The negatives far outweighed that.

  
    For one thing, did it make him a bad boyfriend? The way that he was going about everything almost made it seem like he cared more about Connor than Zoe, and that wasn’t right. God, he needed to dig himself out of this hole before he got in too deep.

  
    Then, of course, it was the fact that he was worried about Connor. Connor was supposed to be getting better, and when he showed up at the door he seemed bitter and unwelcoming. It would’ve scared the shorter boy had he not known the other better, knowing that cold and bitter really meant the poor boy was holding something in.

  
    He wasn’t even sure when he began to pick up on details like that.

  
    The only terrifying part to Evan about the situation is the fact that he now knew he had to ask Connor what was wrong, but it was a dangerous move to do in person. See, with Connor, if you asked something before he was ready to talk about it, it practically guaranteed that you would get yelled at.

  
    Or, well, at least, that’s what Zoe had told Evan.

  
    Evan just wasn’t prepared to be yelled at, so he was kinda scared to see what was wrong. It’s just that he was about ninety percent sure none of the other Murphy’s knew something wrong, or maybe Zoe wasn’t showing she knew, and so he was worried that something would happen to the taller boy. He seriously just wanted the best for him, and if that meant having an anxiety attack and being shoved again.

  
    Well, he guessed he would just have to have an anxiety attack and get shoved again.

  
    That’s just what friends do for each other. They check in on each other to show they care. Even family friends do! Maybe not as nicely, but Jared still would make sure Evan was okay if he could tell something was wrong. Sometimes, he would even give him homework if he knew he was particularly stressed.

    It was starting to seem like “family friends” was something completely different from what Jared tried to say they were.

  
    He was snapped out of his internal dialogue when they pulled into the driveway and the car parked. Sighing, Evan checked if his mom had sent a reply.

  
    _Checked at 9:26._

 _  
_     Well, at least he knew she saw the message.

  
    Walking inside, he went through the same motions as always. Wipe his way too worn out new balance sneakers on the door mat, bend down to untie the laces that seemed to be becoming thinner every day, and then slide them off while hoping that no one was looking at them too closely because then he would look pathetic.

  
    The average day in the life of Evan Hansen.

  
    He looked back at the siblings, hoping for some kind of instructions on what to do next. He was surprised to see them in a stare off. Or, it what seemed like one to an outsider. To Evan it more seemed like a silent exchange of words, maybe even a challenge. It looked like Zoe was winning.

  
    “Fine,” Connor muttered, shoving his way past both of them and into the living room, “but you owe me for it.”

    Furrowing his brows, Evan followed uneasily. He had a sneaking suspicion it was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Hi. I suck at updating this story.
> 
> Also, this took me three tries to upload because AO3 kept glitching, so that was fun :) 
> 
> Um, a lot has been going on, so yeah. But some good stuff happened!
> 
> Like, I saw Hamilton two weeks ago, and I’m seeing Charlie And The Chocolate Factory on Wednesday! No, neither were on Broadway. I wish. But it’s still really exciting to see tour casts!
> 
> I have no excuse for this being so late. Yell at me I guess.
> 
> My instagram is still @just.an.anxious.kid and a few people have messaged me which is really cool! I’m glad you guys are enjoying the story :)
> 
> Also, I can’t believe it almost has 300 kudos? Thank you so much!!
> 
> Sincerely, me.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sitting down, watching a movie. Just the three of them and Evan’s thoughts. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, right, everything.

    “You want something to drink?”

  
    “Oh, no, I’m fine. Thank you.”

  
    “Water. Grab some popcorn, too. There’s some in the cabinets.”

  
    Evan had settled in on the far end of the couch while Zoe went to the kitchen to receive the items Connor had asked for. He figured it was the safe option for seating since it left options for the siblings on who would sit where. Sitting in the middle was a dick move, obviously. That was kind of like a power move, and Evan didn’t do power moves for obvious reasons. Then, of course, sitting in the single seater was worse. That was almost like saying “I don’t like you so I’m not sitting with you because I’m better than you”. So, he sat on the far end of the couch, taking up as little space as possible.

  
    He watched Connor out of the corner of his eye while the older boy studied the room. He looked like he was going through the same internal debate that Evan had just gone through himself, except he almost looked more hostile during his contemplating. Evan shifted in his spot, pulling out his phone to try and look busy in order to avoid any awkwardness. When he felt the weight of the couch shift next to him, he turned just slightly to see Connor sitting in the middle. Well, he hadn’t expected that one.

  
    “What’re you looking at?”

  
    “Oh! Me? Nothing. I’m not looking at anything.”

  
    “You were giving me a look, like I’m a freak.”

  
    “No no no, I wasn’t giving you any look!”

  
    “Why are you so awkward around Zoe?”

  
    “What?”

  
    “Don’t pretend to be stupid, answer the question.”

  
    “Zoe’s not the only one I’m awkward around. I’m awkward around everyone.”

  
    “But you’re especially awkward around her. Why?”

  
    “Am I? I don’t feel like I am.”

  
    “You’re way less awkward with me, you haven’t stuttered once.”

  
    “But that’s because we’re friends.”

  
    “Are we though?”

  
    That certainly stopped him in his tracks.

  
    He knew that they had started trying to act closer than they were because of the whole letter situation, but it wasn’t like that’s all there was to it. Obviously they had talked a bit before that, and that had to count for something. Plus, Connor was staying downstairs to watch movies with him and Zoe. Why would he do that if they weren’t friends?

  
    Before he could open his mouth to respond, Zoe had walked back into the room, tossing Connor a water bottle. He flinched when it landed on the couch, but tried to pretend like it didn’t happen. He swore Zoe stopped when she realized the arrangement for seating, but if she did it couldn’t have lasted more than two seconds since she was already situating herself on the other side with the popcorn in her lap.

  
    “Why did you two stop talking when I got here?” Zoe asked, grabbing the remote to look through the movies on Netflix. Evan went to open his mouth and answer, but a light hit to his arm from Connor stopped him.

  
    “None of your business.” The taller boy said, giving Evan a hard look.

  
    “Asshole.”

  
    “Bitch.”

  
    Then they gave each other another look, but this one was softer. Last time, it was more of a glare. This time there was a hint of humor in it. Evan felt himself relax just slightly, smiling calmly. That was improvement for them.  
 

   Next thing he knew, Zoe had a movie put on and her legs laid across both his and Connor’s laps. Connor was turned slightly away from him, leaning against his arm just enough for Evan to feel it, but not enough to bring it up. He tried not to pay any mind to it, rather attempting to keep his focus completely on the TV in front of them. That was the acceptable response in this situation, right?

  
    Zoe had put on Kissing Booth, which is definitely what Jared would refer to as a _chick flick._ But Evan couldn’t make any comments about it, because that would be rude, and who was he to be rude in this situation? The siblings had invited him over to watch movies, the least he could do was be polite.

  
    Actually, why had they invited him over? It almost felt like he was intruding on something. God, he was an idiot, he definitely should’ve just stayed home for the night. Now he had made himself an awkward third wheel to two siblings who were trying to fix their relationship and he had lied to his mom. Now he was a bad boyfriend, friend in general, and son. On a scale of one to ten of how good of a person Evan was, he would say his number is so low that it’s in hell.

  
    He sighed softly, trying to watch the movie, and talk about irony. A girl falls in love with her best friends brother, starts to date him, and doesn’t tell her best friend? Seems like an almost spot on representation of his life! You know, just replace the best friend thing with girlfriend and leave out the part where they’re having lots of sex. Then it’s perfect.

  
    “God, their relationship is literally so toxic.” Zoe mumbled, tossing a piece of the popcorn into her mouth.

  
    It almost made Evan want to scream. Key word being almost, because he definitely wouldn’t. That would be extremely inappropriate.

  
    “Yeah, definitely.” He tried, wiping his hands on his pants.

  
    “If Alana dated Connor... I mean, first off, ew.” She started, scrunching her nose distastefully.

  
    “I’m gay, Zoe.” The taller boy cut in, giving her a weird look. It made Evan snort, and he tried to cover it up with a cough with Connor turned to him.

  
    “Second off, it would just be weird! I dunno, maybe I could get used to it...” She trailed off, looking at the screen, deep in thought.

  
    “Did you miss the part about me being a homosexual?” Connor asked, rolling his eyes.

  
    “Oh, I heard it,” Zoe responded, matter-of-factly, “I’m just ignoring you.”

  
    “Very mature.” The eldest responded.

  
    “I learned from you, brother dearest.”

    “A poor choice, truly.”

  
    And then he laughed. Like, actually laughed, and Evan’s heart kind of melted at the sound. He had never seen the boy so relaxed. His shoulders weren’t tense like they usually were, he was leaning back against the couch, his expression was happy and almost vulnerable in a way. God, he couldn’t get enough of it.

  
    He tried to tear his eyes away, look at Zoe, see if it was the same, and yeah. It wasn’t. She definitely had the same look, but it was different in a way. It didn’t make Evan’s heart skip a beat in the same way Connor had. Maybe he had to just try a bit harder. That could work, couldn’t it?

  
    “Why the fuck are you looking at me like that?”

  
    Just like that, the moment was over. Connor physically recoiled, his entire figure going rigid as he gave him a harsh look. It was almost defensive, like he was scared to let anyone in for too long. Almost as if he was worried it would make them leave.

  
    “Connor.” Zoe tried, giving him the same hard glare from earlier. They were already at challenge number two, and he had only been there for about an hour.

  
    “No, he was giving me a look. I wanna know what it’s supposed to mean.” The older boy shot back, crossing his arms.

  
    “N- Nothing! It meant nothing. There wasn’t any look. I’m sorry.” He sputtered out, curling in on himself. “Can we get back to the movie? Please?”

  
    He could see Zoe trying to shift, find a way to get closer to him. Maybe it wasn’t even just physically. She was looking at him, her eyes holding something like a plea. Asking _let me in,_ saying _you’re okay._

 _  
_     He needed a way out.

  
    It all happened in a blur. One second he was sitting on the couch, tears welling in the corners of his eyes. Next thing he knew, he was on the porch, shaking as he gripped the railing.

  
    He could hear the siblings arguing in the living room, but he tried to block it out. Right now, he just needed to focus on his breathing. In for four, hold for four, out for four. Maybe even do it four times. Keep a pattern.

  
    He sat down, looking over the street as he rested his body against the railing. It was cool out now that it was night and the temperature had dropped. Not cold enough for a jacket, maybe for a hoodie though. He was fine with his t-shirt, it let the crisp air hit him full force. It helped to keep him grounded.

  
    Late drivers went down the street, and he watched the cars go by. Kids from school getting home from their significant others’ houses, parents and students going home from work, all that kind of stuff. Evan always found it strange how many people he could meet everyday who have so many different life stories that he’d never know. It was almost sad in a way, because he was sure no one thought that about him.

  
    He closed his eyes, listening to the noises of the night. Air rustling through leaves, owls hooting in the distance, a cricket chirping somewhere in the lawn, even the deep croak of a frog in a pond somewhere nearby. He liked the sounds, they were calming. Almost a reminder that no matter what, you’re not alone. Even when it seems like nobody’s there, there’s always gonna be something for someone.

  
    “Hey.”

  
    He turned, and there Connor was. His expression was calm but his body was stiff. Maybe it was best not to answer.

  
    “Sorry. About earlier.”

  
    Probably just apologizing because Zoe told him to. It sounded genuine, though. Connor could just be a really good actor.

  
    “It’s just been one of those days, you know?”

  
    Right. Obviously. That’s what everyone says.

  
    “They still haven’t found the right concoction of meds yet I guess.”

  
    That one was followed by a bitter laugh. It made him feel just a little sorry.

  
    “I shouldn’t be taking it out on you. You haven’t even done anything wrong.”

  
    Oh, how he was wrong about that. Everything he had done was the wrong move. It was like a game of chess, and he was the middle pawn. Barely important, and extremely weak.

  
    “You don’t wanna talk, though, and that’s fine. I get it. I wouldn’t wanna talk to me, either.”

  
    “I’m tired.” He croaked out, and yeah, he was.

  
    Connor looked at him quietly, one of those quiet and sympathetic looks.

  
    “You wanna sleep in the spare room?”

  
    “Your room, please.”

  
    He was sure his expression matched Connor’s from surprise. He wasn’t even sure where that had come from.

  
    “Never mind, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry. I’ll just sleep in the spare room, it’s fine.”

  
    “I’ll set up the air mattress.”

  
    Just like that, Connor went inside, and he was alone again. Alone with the owl, crickets and the frog. He wasn’t sure that he even wanted them around right now.

    He felt numb, looking around. It was like he didn’t belong. He shouldn’t be in the rich neighborhood, shouldn’t be with the guitarist from the school jazz band, shouldn’t know her stoner brother. Definitely shouldn’t want to know them.

  
    Taking a deep breath, he stood up. He didn’t have an option now, did he? He had gotten himself into this mess, so it was his job to get himself out. Take responsibility for his actions. Try not to watch Connor sleep, because that would be weird.

  
    He opened the bedroom door, going to step in, looking up and coming eye to eye with a half naked Connor.   

  
    “Oh my god I’m so sorry!” He screamed, slamming the door shut quickly.

  
    Maybe it really was one of those days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you ask, not even I know what this chapter was. 
> 
> I also wrote half of it in like, 2 days, so yeah.
> 
> But, I’ve been busy. Midterms happened, and college visits happened, the school musical is in two weeks, and I have to do course selection next week for senior year and I’m really not looking forward to it! :)
> 
> Oh yeah, and my mom fired my therapist. There’s that, too. I almost forgot about that.
> 
> So I guess I’ve kinda cried a lot, and my anxiety levels are really high, so yeah. I’m not really cranking out writing like usual. Sorry.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, though. Sorry it’s kinda all over the place.
> 
> As always, my instagram is @just.an.anxious.kid and I post lots of theatre stuff (and my story is usually my cat), so feel free to follow or message me if you want!
> 
> Have a good day.
> 
> Sincerely, me.


End file.
